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I can't eat, drink, I just keep crying over my terminally ill Clarkie


KristaGus

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Clarkie, you are my baby, my best friend. I've hugged you more times than I can account for. As I myself can't find the strength to eat or drink, I watch you go through the same. I'm not ready to lose my best friend and I not ready to lose you this fast. 

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My heart goes out to you, I am so sorry.  I took my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, to the vet for what was supposed to be a routine teeth cleaning 6/6/19.  He'd just had a physical and passed with flying colors two weeks before.  The next day they called with the results of the blood tests and told me he had inoperable cancer and liver shutting down.  It is one of the worst moments of my life, akin to when I lost my husband nearly years ago.  He was my everything and I couldn't imagine life without my Arlie.  Going through the cancer journey was like living death, he consumed all of my time and thoughts, and I did everything I could to help him through it.  I cooked for him since I adopted him (he had acute chronic Colitis(=), gave him supplements, SAMe is good for helping them feel better as well as joints, etc and safe for dogs.  I had him on Milk Thistle for his liver.  Probios all his life.  He was and always will be my "Little Boy."
Anticipating the Death of a Cherished Pet

It might help you to read some of my journey with him, in the first it's my way of memorializing him through sharing memories of him, in the second, it is our cancer journey together.  You are not alone.  Come here any time and read/post, it helps to express yourself to others that get it and have been there.  Keep hugging him, enjoy every moment you have.  We are never ready to lose them, and there's no way to prepare.  You will get through this, even though your heart feels otherwise.  :wub:  Be in tuned to his needs, just keep loving on him.

 

 

 

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Thank you so much KayC, you words touched me and I will read them to Clarkie later when he lies down for a nap. I can't stop crying and don't know how. I feel so completely alone in this, so you being here has certainly lifted some of that loneliness away. I just hope I can do everything he needs me to. I can't have kids of my own and never thought I would feel that mother-baby bond and he is the first soul I connected with that I felt that mother-baby bond with. It is such a beautiful bond and he has brought me so much joy over the years. I am so so terribly sorry your Arlie had to suffer as well and that you lost your soulmate. I am learning that pain as well. How did you manage to return to daily life after? I can't envision my life without my Clarkie either. 

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Oh God, it was so hard!  A neighbor asked me to walk their chow, Joe.  I did that for ten months until he bit me doing damage to my hand, I also got a severe injury to my other hand for his pulling me a jerk hard to the right.  Now both hands have lost strength and the surgery worsened it, now have arthritis set in, injuries for life.

Everything was a reminder of Arlie's absence.  Arlie was so considerate, when I broke my right elbow, he never once pulled on me, being careful of my arm, he was in his prime then and 140 lbs.  This dog was so perfect for me, so in tuned to me.  I miss him with every fiber of my being.  I still have the sympathy cards I got, on display, on my dining room table.  I can't take them down and it's been 1 2/3 years since I lost him.

My son brought me a puppy, Kodie, and I thank God for him, he doesn't replace Arlie, no one ever could, but he definitely wormed his way into my heart!  Tall order with all my grieving, he just persisted and loved me.  I am so glad I have him.  He was conceived when Arlie died, born on my birthday, even his name showed it was meant to be!  The whole thing was a miracle as this breed is rare, HTF, costs $3,500, you place your name on a waiting list for a year and pay for them sight unseen, fly them in to your state, drive several hours to the airport to pick them up.  My son found one for $800 just two miles from his home, in a little remote town in Oregon!  What are the chances of that!  The breeder's first batch.  

When the time comes, do whatever brings you comfort, whether it's leaving his dishes out and his toys, his bed, etc. Take your time with this, baby steps.  I just now gave away some of Arlie's toys that are too big for Kodie.  I still have a corner of my room dedicated to Arlie, with a lock of his fur, a copy of our memories, a bracelet commemorating him, the vet's assessment.  I had a custom bracelet made with A for Arlie and paw prints, which I wear.  I buried him with his first toy, a stuffed duck with a squeaker.  He chewed up so many but never chewed up that one, he slept with it.  I still have his coat hanging on my chair (I had to customize it after this picture to cover his neck) and I hold it sometimes.  His collar and leash hang by the door as if I'll be taking him for a walk again.  They retired with him, they are his.  His truck sits idle.  I start it once a month.  No more doggy rides in it.  :(

 

Arlie coat 121013 sm.jpg

Arlie bracelet.jpg

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I just noticed the Memories posted twice instead of Living with Loss (our cancer journey) so fixed it. ;)

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Oh KayC, 

Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story with me. I love that you found ways to commemorate him in the home you once shared with Arlie. I am so sorry you lost your soulmate as I am losing mine. I just don't know how to return to normal life, it doesn't seem possible. It seems like I will just be crying at work every day. How did you eventually stop crying all day every day? I am so sorry you had to go through all this pain and suffering and I hope comfort finds us both. 

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Tears have a way of outpouring and then just drying up. It's nothing we do, maybe we only have so many tears....then we carry our grief inside of us.  We can still smile at a neighbor, but inside, the grief is with us.  We learn to coexist with it.  I feel like it's another dimension added to us.  It's hard to remember a time I didn't have grief, but the hardest has been losing my husband, and losing Arlie.  I've lost 24 dogs and cats, I loved them all, I've missed them all, but some stand out more and hit me more.  It's unfathomable to us, but we get used to this eventually, in a way I can't describe.  Normal.  What is normal?  Does any of us know anymore?  I think "normal" is what we're used to, and that changes.  To us, this whole last year seems anything but what we viewed as normal.

It took me years to process George's death, years more to find purpose, and years more yet to build a life I could live.  Then Covid came along and destroyed it.  But my building blocks came down earlier than everyone else's, they toppled when my Arlie died, and losing Kitty on top of it...it just seemed more than I could bear.  Then I got hit with physical maladies from which there's no return.  It's amazing how resilient a human can be.  Never say never, you don't want to find out.  What's weird is, I remember a time when I had a family, activity, was useful, didn't have pain or grief inside of me...now that's just a memory of another time, another life.  I don't have anything to look forward to anymore.  Not even little things I used to build into my life, because no one makes social plans anymore.  Often the things we look forward to are sharing with others, sometimes it requires $ or good health, I have none of those anymore.  I live in today.  That is the thing I've learned most in grief...take one day at a time, look for good in today, live in the present moment, practice gratitude.  That's the summation of what I've gleaned on this 16 year journey.

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KristaGus,

I'm sorry for your suffering.  I can certainly identify.  I'm without children and got incredibly attached, over 11 years to a very sweet, gregarious Cockatiel.  She died suddenly this past Friday (April 23, 2021) and I'm having trouble functioning. It is incredible how attached we can get; the pain is close to unbearable. Of course your situation is different since your pet is still alive but the pain of loss or losing is just enormous.   

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