You should know, Babe

[Pennywyze43]

Dear Jeremy,

I'm writing you this letter to inform you of how my life has been since you been gone. I gotta tell ya, my love, making it through the first 365 days was almost like a dream. Except I keep waking up without you in bed with me. As much as I love Steven, it sucks I have to wake up to someone who isn't you. I can't even begin to describe what that's like. It's earth shattering. It's heartbreaking. It's my new reality, and frankly I don't like it one bit. Though emotions are more under control than they were at first, I still find myself missing you and crying all day long. 

I know, I know I'm trying to move on and put Steven first, but you and I have so many unanswered questions between us. You and I are soulmates. We are, you and I, even beyond tomorrow. 

You will be glad to know, the emotional pain is different now. Nobody chose to tell me that the first year is so very, very raw, that making it through the first 365 days is a testament to how strong I am. For some reason, nobody ever sat down with me and painted a clear picture of what they meant by what they said. That was annoying. But, the one thing that infuriated me was when I heard, “You just need to get over that”. I heard that, within the first month, so many times I was sure that statement would be the one thing that sent me spiraling out of control. Of course, when the jerk who told me that realized I had just lost you that April, they felt like such an ass.

Then, the first holidays without you began to slowly, yet rapidly, approach. I didn't know how I was going to make it through the holidays without you, and keep myself from being placed in a mental health facility. 

However, our Autumn had an instinct that she would do better to chase me down and take me home with her than she would to leave me out there on the streets until after the first of the year. So, on November 19, 2019, Autumn found me sitting under the bridge. She had such immaculate timing because I had just asked one of the other homeless people how I was going to make it through without you. Not 5 minutes later, I was looking at a version of me that was 20 years younger than me, but i was looking in a mirror, but when did I dye my hair blue? At first, I didn't recognize her because she had blue hair, but the longer I looked in her eyes, the faster I realized that I was looking at Autumn. She took me to Livingston for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's, and that's how I made it through the first holidays without you.

I love you, Jeremy. You are always in my thoughts and dreams and you will live in my heart...beyond my last breath, and into the afterlife, I will NEVER stop loving you. I can't tell you how hard has been for me to get to know someone else's ins and outs, and ups and downs, and everywhere else in between. I'm sure you remember the day I started telling you that: "Daddy, I hope you never leave me. I don't wanna have to get to know someone else's ins and outs, and ups and down, and everywhere else in betweens". You promised, every time I would say that to you, that you weren't going anywhere. Even though, as of today, I am thoroughly convinced that we both knew I would be losing you. Of course, I didn't know exactly how I would would lose you. My opinion about what I think you knew? I think you knew that you were leaving, matter of fact, that job in North Dakota, was your way out. Thing is, I believe you knew that you were going to die. I'm not sure if you knew when or how, but I think you knew that it was time for you to leave from this earth. Especially after you parked the KIA in that tree the week before my 40th birthday. We both knew, but it wasn't exactly the best topic of conversation even when you and I were alone. 

Besides, I don't know what I would have been able to say about it. What was I going to say, “Hey, my sexy handsome daddy I need you to know that since the morning you fell asleep behind the wheel, I've had a feeling you are going die?” Baby, as much as you loved me, I think you would have looked at me differently from the moment my fear addled rant ended.

It's never "Goodbye", instead it is, "I'll see you later". One day, I will see you again. We will spend the afterlife intertwined amongst each other when I get there, so get ready for that...lol

 

 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, CleverPennywyze said:

Nobody chose to tell me that the first year is so very, very raw, that making it through the first 365 days is a testament to how strong I am. For some reason, nobody ever sat down with me and painted a clear picture of what they meant by what they said.

I've come to understand that not only does out society suck at handling or even acknowledging death and grieving, but there was no way anyone could tell me or explain fully what it would be like for me or any of us.  I realized that there are no words and no way to express the depth of the pain of losing my love and the shattering of my life and heart.  That moment each morning when I wake up, just that tiny instant, is when I still forget that I am waking up alone.  It doesn't hurt as much, but it is still a little jab in my heart.  Even if someone had described it to me, I still couldn't have fully grasped how it would feel.

Every day we get up, breathe in and out, and take a step forward is a testament to a strength most of us didn't know we had.  As much as the 1 year mark should not be considered a turning point or time to "move on" (we don't; we move forward though, slowly and with patience), it is a time to realize we've made it that far.  I don't know how I did it because most of the first year is a blur, but I do know on reflection that I made small steps forward on my journey--and that's something.

 

[KayC]

I was out of my mind the first year & beyond, it was the hardest thing in the world to wrap my brain around, I felt in shock and definitely had grief fog!

[Pennywyze43]

@Kay C

Sometimes, I feel like I have everything, including my emotions, under control. Other times, there's very little control, and I don't mind. Now, I don't go out breaking the law. I've never been like that. What I mean by having very little control is, when my tears fall. It's rare I care about where I am when I cry. Especially when I'm crying over Jeremy.

[KayC]

This is a journey where waves hit for sure!