Breaking Heart

[Remember the Big Mo]

My husband of 40 years passed away on 4/2 after having been diagnosed with cancer 18 months ago. We had just retired and downsized to a condo that he lovingly made perfect for us. The retirement plans we made for leisurely travel to visit friends all over turned into doctors visits, treatments, hospital stays, hope, despair and end of life. He was able to see his son get married with just us and bride’s parents present-but grandchildren will never know this wonderful man. His daughter will not have her Dad at her wedding...I can’t stop thinking of the huge black hole on the road ahead. 
 

[steveb]

BigMo, I am so very sorry for your loss.  We can cherish the fact that we spent wonderful and loving years with our partners. I too have a son and a daughter. They aren’t married, but I often wonder about grandchildren.  My wife Chong would have made a wonderful grandma.  I think your children and future grandchildren will help fill that hole in your heart.  I hope by posting and reading here that you can gain some measure of comfort                                   God bless, Steve.

[Sparky1]

6 hours ago, BigMo said:

My husband of 40 years passed away on 4/2 after having been diagnosed with cancer 18 months ago. We had just retired and downsized to a condo that he lovingly made perfect for us. The retirement plans we made for leisurely travel to visit friends all over turned into doctors visits, treatments, hospital stays, hope, despair and end of life. He was able to see his son get married with just us and bride’s parents present-but grandchildren will never know this wonderful man. His daughter will not have her Dad at her wedding...I can’t stop thinking of the huge black hole on the road ahead. 
 

BigMo, I am also sorry for the loss of your husband. I understand what you're saying about the children and grandchildren. Our grandson was born 2 weeks before my wife passed away, fortunately the hospital allowed her to see him but it was a bittersweet moment for all of us. Another daughter is yet to get married and my wife won't get to see her all settled down. Another grandchild from my stepson is due to be born in the fall, close to when my wife passed away. These little children should be bringing joy into our lives, yet at the same time there is so much sorrow and heartache, knowing the grandmother is not around.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry. Any loss is terrible, but the timing of this for you must make it even harder.

If there's one thing I learned about this, it's that there are many things one can say at a time like this...and most are ill advised. So for now I'll just point you to the web site I created after my loss, where I addressed things I wish someone had told me at the time...I hope you find some of it useful:  

https://bill5454.wixsite.com/griefhelp/about-me   

[AnnRA]

Widower 2 - I have now had a good read of your website and I love it.  Your page to the grievers is spot on, with such a personal spin on your guidance and tips.  I know from your history there and on this website that you have absolutely been there.  Your messages of hope and guidance to move through this are now up on my ipad at all times throughout my day.  Thank you for your clear thinking, compassion and confidence to show us that we can live through this. 

 

[KayC]

BigMo, I am so sorry, sorry anyone has to go through what I have, what others here have.  We all know it too well...

You have found a caring site of people who "get it" and understand, I hope you will continue to come here and read/post.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[jmmosley53]

Hello BigMo,

I am sorry for your loss.   I have no children so I could be all wrong about this but; I think that way before there were children and grandchildren there was a sweet couple that got married 40 years ago.  I think that black hole you describe is the realization that what that young couple 40 years ago had planned - the getting old together and retire and travel and the whole beautiful dream just went way with your beloved husband.

I just know that you and your husband were first and foremost a couple.  I think you miss that wonderful man you married and loved all those years.  I say this because I think grief is hard enough to bear without the added efforts to make others in the family comfortable.  Please take good care of you.

I wish you strength and peace.

[KayC]

I agree, let your family handle their own feelings, you focus on you and getting through today.  We're here for you, come here and talk any time, or if you don't feel like that, read, it helps to know we're not alone in this.  It may not change what's happened but it's good to know we aren't crazy or isolated.  

[Remember the Big Mo]

All the things we did together, I do alone. I am sad and mad at the same time.

I am still dealing with all the admin tasks..this week I have to turn my husband lease car in and deal with selling my car and purchasing a new one. I am not good at this, and I am scared to make a mistake. All I can think of is what would he do? We would talk everything over-we would joke that it was analysis paralysis. Now I make lists and spreadsheets with no one to talk it over with. It feel like a stranger in a strange land. All around looks the same but everything is different.

 

[luckystarhongkong]

2 hours ago, My Big Mo said:

All the things we did together, I do alone. I am sad and mad at the same time.

I am still dealing with all the admin tasks..this week I have to turn my husband lease car in and deal with selling my car and purchasing a new one. I am not good at this, and I am scared to make a mistake. All I can think of is what would he do? We would talk everything over-we would joke that it was analysis paralysis. Now I make lists and spreadsheets with no one to talk it over with. It feel like a stranger in a strange land. All around looks the same but everything is different.

 

I felt the same as you. My wife took care of all the practical things of our home: investment, money, vacation tickets etc. When she was gone I suddenly found myself at the helm, which is kinda awkward for me. I don't know what to do. Normally it was her who give orders so I follow. Now I have to make decision all by myself. That makes me nervous. And most gruelling is that make me all the more miss her. Just can't understand why God decided to ruin a happy little family which was always my refuge; I was always proud of my wife and daughter; our loving relationship was the envy of our friends; but now, it's gone; and I am devastated. Yeah things look the same but is different now. You just don't feel the world to be a safe place where you can become happy again. 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, My Big Mo said:

All the things we did together, I do alone. I am sad and mad at the same time.

I am still dealing with all the admin tasks..this week I have to turn my husband lease car in and deal with selling my car and purchasing a new one. I am not good at this, and I am scared to make a mistake. All I can think of is what would he do? We would talk everything over-we would joke that it was analysis paralysis. Now I make lists and spreadsheets with no one to talk it over with. It feel like a stranger in a strange land. All around looks the same but everything is different.

 

You will do okay, and it'll build your confidence in yourself as you navigate this uncharted territory.  I've been at this for 16 years and was also new to this when I started.  Sometimes it's not a matter of right or wrong, but doing our best and being okay with that.  I've made some mistakes but view them as learning experiences that help me in the future.  Imagine how proud he is of you for tackling this!  Realize he would also feel as you are, dealing with uncharted territory, out of his comfort zone.

11 hours ago, luckystarhongkong said:

Just can't understand why God decided to ruin a happy little family which was always my refuge

I don't view God as the culprit, destroying my life, but rather human bodies are imperfect (and also bear the consequence of our choices), although in some situations life is just plain unfair through no one's fault.  

[Diane R. E.]

I agree with you, Kay. The world is not perfect, and neither are human beings, so sometimes bad things just happen. There is a poem that ends with "The day God took you home". The poem is comforting to me because I believe that physical circumstances are what caused my husband's passing, but at the moment he did pass, THEN God took him home.  My heart goes out to you, luckystarhongkong.