Grieving estranged, toxic mother and nobody understands why

[grievingalone75]

My mom passed away 4 weeks ago, I hadn't seen her in about 4 or 5 years. We no longer spoke. I had decent memories of her as a mother back when I was little, not so much as an adult. She suffered a lot from depression, mental health issues were always present. She also had a lot of physical ailments/illness all her life. She grew up in a broken home, was abused, etc. So I understand why she grew up to be such a toxic person, she herself was completely broken and never healed.

She basically couldn't wait to stick my dad in a care home when the time came (he went there in 2019). She then sold his property she was living in (she was his Power of Attorney, and since she knew my dad was leaving me the property upon his death, she sold it as quickly as she could so that she could get the proceeds, and not me, since we were no longer speaking.) She never even informed me she sold his house (this was during our estrangement). She took all the proceeds, and ran. She got a condo for herself, got rid of all his belongings, started a whole new life on her own...and 3 months later had a stroke (in early 2020, according to her doctor whom I spoke to after her passing). Her health dwindled from there on out, never once reached out to me during that time, and was then located deceased in her apartment last month. The police notified me at my door that night (I live in another city). I drove up there the next day, and started dealing with things as I'm the only next of kin, and dad of course is in a care home.

My problem is this. My mother did a lot of toxic things. She cut me off from seeing my dad when she became his Power of Attorney (would hang up on me or my spouse when we would call to speak to him, would slam the door in my spouse's face when he tried to go visit, etc). We knew she was trying to isolate him completely so that she could be in full control of his affairs without anyone knowing what she was doing. She put him in the care home literally without even telling me. I only found out over a year later when the care home called me to say he was there, and my mom had stopped paying his care home fees. I took over Power of Attorney at that point. Nobody knew where she was living. I have 2 children, that she didn't even care to get to know because she was so wrapped up in making sure nobody had access to her or my dad. She just completely shut the world right out of her and my dad's lives, and then she died completely alone.

My spouse and some of my friends don't understand my grief. Why would I grieve a mother that treated me like crap? I have a HUGE amount of mixed feelings about it. Part of me grieves that mother that I never really got to have. The mother that I actually liked when I was little, that was a decent mother. But the other half of me is painfully aware of all the crappy things she did in her later years of life, and how she took advantage of my dad's finances, couldn't even advise me that my dad was put in a care home, she sold his property which would have been rightfully mine upon his passing, etc. I feel both sides equally, but nobody else seems to understand this. My spouse has little compassion for her passing, he is furious at what she did to my dad. There's so many conflicting feelings inside, and it's so difficult to know how to process everything. 

Not sure if anyone is still reading this far...if you are, thank you. I just needed to vent this out somewhere. I am feeling all sorts of stuff, but nobody seems to grasp why I'm 'grieving' a mother like that. I just feel a bit lost. 

 

[reader]

Dear grievingalone75,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We all grieve in our own way and for our own reasons. There is no right way or wrong way. It's so important to acknowledge and validate our own feelings and thoughts. None of us know how we are going to feel till we are faced with the reality of our loss. 

No relationship is ever perfect especially those with parents. I think I was so raw because once my dad was gone the chance to talk or fix or understand was all gone. Did my dad even know me? Love me? Did he even understand me? Was he sorry for the times he hurt my feelings? 

Please know we are with you. 

[grievingalone75]

8 hours ago, reader said:

Dear grievingalone75,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We all grieve in our own way and for our own reasons. There is no right way or wrong way. It's so important to acknowledge and validate our own feelings and thoughts. None of us know how we are going to feel till we are faced with the reality of our loss. 

No relationship is ever perfect especially those with parents. I think I was so raw because once my dad was gone the chance to talk or fix or understand was all gone. Did my dad even know me? Love me? Did he even understand me? Was he sorry for the times he hurt my feelings? 

Please know we are with you. 

Thank you for your kind word, really appreciate it

This may sound crazy to some, but have you ever seen a medium? I have so many unanswered questions and unresolved feelings, and wonder so much if she carried all that pain and anger with her to the other side. Does she feel bad for anything she did? I want to know these things...I'm hoping a medium may help in some way, I'm seeing one tomorrow. Never had a reason to ever see one before, so I'll be interested to see how it goes....

[reader]

Dear grievingalone75,

It is normal to have these questions and feelings after losing a parent. It's not crazy at all and I do know many people who have seen a medium. I haven't personally because I feel I am too skeptical and cynical to know they are connecting with my father specifically. 

When I went to see the grief counsellor, she suggested I write a letter to my father. She also made me pretend to sit across from him and tell him everything I wanted to say. And then pretend to be my father and imagine what he would say back to me. 

Grief is different for everyone. We all need different things. 

I hope the medium gives you comfort and peace and some answers.

Thinking of you.

 

[TLN]

1 hour ago, grievingalone75 said:

This may sound crazy to some, but have you ever seen a medium? I have so many unanswered questions and unresolved feelings, and wonder so much if she carried all that pain and anger with her to the other side. Does she feel bad for anything she did? I want to know these things...I'm hoping a medium may help in some way, I'm seeing one tomorrow. Never had a reason to ever see one before, so I'll be interested to see how it goes....

No, not personally. But my aunt who died several years ago used to be into that one medium on TV named James van (I think) Prague. She was really comforted by him after the death of her husband. (He had a nickname for him; he used to call him "van Fraud"...but I am sure they laugh about it now!) I don't think they carry it with them; I think you leave your baggage at the gate. I hope it goes well for you. Be well, @TLN.

[grievingalone75]

Well....I saw the medium today.

She started telling me things about my mom and mentioned specific things that my mom was saying to her, that the medium would literally have no way of knowing. I told her absolutely nothing about my mom going in, and she mentioned some things that were very spot on about the way my mom was when she was alive, and she said my mom was telling her she's not like that now, and sees things very differently over there, and recognizes the mistakes she made in her life (she gave me specifics, which were things that I had always been upset about with her, and the medium knew nothing about, but stated my mom was aware that it was her fault for those things, not mine). There were sooo many little points of 'validation' throughout the session on things, and the 30 minutes just went so fast, I want to go back to hear more lol. I found it almost a relief in some ways, but also made me sad and I miss her even more now :(. But was comforting finding out the things I did. 

If anyone hasn't gone to see one, I would recommend it entirely.

[reader]

Dear grievingalone,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I'm glad you found it comforting. (((hugs)))

[tessa]

Dear grievingalone,
I went to see a medium after my mother passed. She was useless. She made it up. But there are mediums who are spot on. It's a case of finding a good one.
I understand why you are grieving your mother despite what she did. I didn't have a good relationship with my mother but I still miss her.
It's like the umbilical can never be cut. No matter what, we are part of them. Somehow there is something inside us that forgives and loves unconditionally.