Sudden Loss of Mother

[AllisonD94]

I never thought I would be here on this website a month ago, but I lost my mom suddenly on the 22nd. She was only 64 years old. She was bedridden due to sores on her legs. We tried to get her physical therapy, but her physician assistant refused. She even tried to refuse my mom medical help like getting her medications until we got a senior company involved. That company was supposed to "evaluate" her on getting physical therapy in-home. She had too many high risks for COVID, so we wanted in-home therapy if possible. The company never called us back, that was late November. 

She had a stuffy nose a few days before she died, a bit confused, saying things I didn't understand. The night she died she said she was really tired. When I asked if she was okay, she kept repeating "I'm here, I'm fine" 

I didn't know that would mean losing her that night. She looked over at me and reached her hand out for me as she passed. That night keeps repeating in my mind. I'm the one taking care of her final affairs, my dad and sister (we have a difficult relationship) have not helped at all during this process. The house, jeep, etc is all left to me, but I don't want it. I want her back. I miss her so much. 

I feel like I didn't do enough for her. I didn't fight enough for her. I am filled with so much guilt that this is somehow my fault, that I didn't push harder to get her the physical therapy. I even called companies who do in-home physical therapy and they all refused because they needed a doctor referral. Granted the no was from her PA, she said that her doctor would say a definite no. COVID cases were rising, it was not safe for her to be in a hospital last year, so I took care of her 24/7. I slept next to her, in case she needed more water. 

She was the one who loved me the most in life, and now that she's gone, I can't help but feel utterly alone. No one loved me like she did, and living life without her seems so hard. I really don't have many people to rely on for this. No one in my area is helping with anything. All sympathy cards are from my hometown, I can barely manage to sleep, let alone make meals. I suppose my question is this: How can I stop replaying that night in my mind, screaming that I didn't want her to die as I watched her die in bed right next to me? How can I stop feeling like it's my fault for her death? I can't even afford therapy to help answer these questions, since I'm unemployed. My whole life was taking care of her, and now I am empty. Thank you to anyone who reads this, you don't have to answer, I understand this is a lot to handle and it is heavy. 

[reader]

Dear Allison,

(((hugs))) I am so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences.

I hope this article will help you.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

I know it's extremely hard to lose a beloved parent. I know I felt as you did about your my dad. It's been 5 years and I still do.

It's clear how much you loved your mom and did the best you could under very difficult circumstances with the health pandemic. Please try and be gentle and kind to yourself during this sad and difficult time. 

And know there is support online. I hope these websites will offer some comfort to you.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

Grief Share

Sending my thoughts and prayers.

 

[CChicago]

Dear Allison,

I lost my mom in December, unexpectedly. She was also only 64. It's been 4 months, and I still get hit with guilt attacks thinking I could have done more to save her. My list of "if only.." is miles long. As time unfolds, my "if onlys" are getting a little more realistic. I can recognize that the outcome was not directly my fault, not driven my actions or lack of actions, and very heavily driven by terrible chance, horrible circumstances, and her own actions and tendencies. It doesn't at all soften the severe pain of her absence, but it does soften the anguish of accountability that I have been wrapped in. It takes a lot of work, and my default thinking is still that I could have - should have -been able to change the outcome. 

It sounds to me that you did the very best you could in the circumstance - and that circumstance includes navigating a scary pandemic, limited care options, etc. Self compassion is so important. I struggle with it every day, and every day have to remind myself that I also did the best I could in the circumstances, even though the outcome has been a nightmare that I'm living in. Realistically, I couldn't have changed my mom's willingness to get the care she needed, or that she hid from me how sick she was feeling. At times it's almost harder to accept that there actually wasn't anything else I could have done - but my mind likes to entertain all sorts of ideas. When they pop up, I put my hand on my heart and tell myself I did the very best I could, that my mom knew I loved her with my whole being. At times I've found guided self-compassion meditations to be helpful. It takes daily practice. 

I know this pain, you are not alone in it. I feel it too. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself like your mom would love you. 

[AllisonD94]

5 hours ago, CChicago said:

Dear Allison,

I lost my mom in December, unexpectedly. She was also only 64. It's been 4 months, and I still get hit with guilt attacks thinking I could have done more to save her. My list of "if only.." is miles long. As time unfolds, my "if onlys" are getting a little more realistic. I can recognize that the outcome was not directly my fault, not driven my actions or lack of actions, and very heavily driven by terrible chance, horrible circumstances, and her own actions and tendencies. It doesn't at all soften the severe pain of her absence, but it does soften the anguish of accountability that I have been wrapped in. It takes a lot of work, and my default thinking is still that I could have - should have -been able to change the outcome. 

It sounds to me that you did the very best you could in the circumstance - and that circumstance includes navigating a scary pandemic, limited care options, etc. Self compassion is so important. I struggle with it every day, and every day have to remind myself that I also did the best I could in the circumstances, even though the outcome has been a nightmare that I'm living in. Realistically, I couldn't have changed my mom's willingness to get the care she needed, or that she hid from me how sick she was feeling. At times it's almost harder to accept that there actually wasn't anything else I could have done - but my mind likes to entertain all sorts of ideas. When they pop up, I put my hand on my heart and tell myself I did the very best I could, that my mom knew I loved her with my whole being. At times I've found guided self-compassion meditations to be helpful. It takes daily practice. 

I know this pain, you are not alone in it. I feel it too. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself like your mom would love you. 

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. That is definitely how I've been feeling, tomorrow it will be a month since she's been gone and it doesn't feel real. My "what ifs" are getting more realistic, what if i just called 911 sooner? When I first noticed her stuffy nose? I just thought it was a stuffy nose, I didn't know it was anything beyond that. I try to be kind to myself, it's just so hard sometimes because I feel so alone in life now. She was the person I turned to when things got bad, and now things are bad without her, and it's so hard to cope. 

[TLN]

On 4/11/2021 at 12:47 PM, AllisonD94 said:

I feel like I didn't do enough for her. I didn't fight enough for her. I am filled with so much guilt that this is somehow my fault, that I didn't push harder...

Dear @AllisonD94, I, too, am at times racked with guilt over not defending my Father fiercely enough before he died; it seems like if I had pushed harder for his honor while he was alive; he would not have descended into the madness that eventually took his life. I am so sorry for your loss; we so often condemn ourselves for that of which we are not guilty. I hope you overcome these feelings you are having; I am learning, especially these last three years, to counter condemning thoughts in my mind. Self-talk is crucial, said a good counselor I once knew whom I have recently reconnected with.

Quote

On 4/21/2021 at 3:45 PM, CChicago said:

At times it's almost harder to accept that there actually wasn't anything else I could have done...

 

I know how you feel, @CChicago. When you do all that you are able to do, "to the hilt", as they say; and you see not the desired fruit of your labor; when the terrible thing you were trying to prevent happens in spite of all your efforts--there is fear in having nothing else you can do to stop it. What then? I am afraid of the answer to that question--because what if the answer is, Nothing. The horror of that Nothing chills me to the bone.