Up, Down and Afraid

[Elkse]

When physical pain is less, when I've gotten sleep, when there is something to look forward to, I get a bit optimistic. Well, at least less depressed so that I actually want to crawl out of bed. 

Today was a good day.  I got dressed and worked in the kitchen.  These good days are rare and can cause trouble. I am afraid I think the good will continue but it never does. In an "up" moment, I make plans then I fear I've  set myself up to be let down or I'll let others down because what goes up always comes down.

Received an invitation to my 50th high school reunion and said I'd attend. Yeah, right.  In my big fit of optimism over being dressed and in the kitchen, I didn’t really think that one through. I would not only have to get dressed but actually leave the house. And I couldn't just throw on any old thing. There would be people wanting to talk--asking questions I don’t want to answer, over and over. Would I really attend the function alone? All highly unlikely and to top off the absurdity of my quick acceptance of the invitation, I'd have to fly out of state. 

I'd have crowds, stress,  exhaustion, anxiety, expense, discomfort and acute lonliness. It doesn 't sound like much fun even to my optimistic self. I guess I just pretended to be normal there for a while.  

[Gail 8588]

Yeah, I have done that too. Optimistically over promised something, then got stressed out, failed to actually do what I promised, then beat myself up for being such a failure.  Not a good cycle to get in. 

If it is stressing you out,  it really is okay to cancel. 

Good luck whatever you decide. 

Gail

 

 

[Roxeanne]

Yes i only went out with people when i was sure that no one ask me about him

It's a kind of self-defense and i felt safe in that way

Not comfortable with all my emotions  and the sense of loneliness...but bravely i faced the world and people without him!

It's a hard thing to do Elkse and it's a huge step you can do when you are ready, when you feel strong enough....take your time!

 

[ScotJ65]

12 hours ago, Elkse said:

In an "up" moment, I make plans then I fear I've  set myself up to be let down or I'll let others down because what goes up always comes down.

Hi Elkse, please don't give a seconds thought about letting others 'down'. You're grieving the loss of your husband, so your only concern should be your own wellbeing and getting yourself through this. People will understand, and if they don't then that's their problem. Make sure you're getting all the support you can, if you haven't already consulted a doctor about your depression then please do so. I know from personal experience that trying to cope alone is just too much. And, if possible, keep in touch with friends and family, don't be isolated. And last, but not least, vent your feelings on here because we're all here to listen and help each other. Take care and be kind to yourself ((((Hugs))))

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Elkse said:

when there is something to look forward to, I get a bit optimistic.

I've found it helps to have things to look forward to.  That's what's been hard about the last year, with Covid isolation, nothing to look forward to.  Always alone.  Everything has changed.

You're dealing with new loss on top of it, that's tremendous.  If it's stressing you out, it's not something to look forward to, it's more anxiety and apprehension.  You aren't overthinking it, you have some good points you're considering (people asking questions you don't want to answer).  You have our permission to cancel!  Don't have to give a reason, you owe nothing to anyone but yourself.

I've only gone to one reunion, the 5th, wasn't a good experience, people trying to impress each other, the ones I wanted to see I've never found.  Was supposed to have 50th last summer, canceled for Covid.  I've connected with some on FB but none I was close to.  One died, two disappeared, one lives clear across the US.  I'm just 60 miles away and likely won't attend, do I really have anything in common with these people?  I'd have to find someone to watch Kodie, a tall order, no kennels in town.  I can't drive at night.  Nope, easier to stay home and wish them well on FB.  My life moved on many moons ago.  

[Ellie m cobain]

14 hours ago, Elkse said:

When physical pain is less, when I've gotten sleep, when there is something to look forward to, I get a bit optimistic. Well, at least less depressed so that I actually want to crawl out of bed. 

Today was a good day.  I got dressed and worked in the kitchen.  These good days are rare and can cause trouble. I am afraid I think the good will continue but it never does. In an "up" moment, I make plans then I fear I've  set myself up to be let down or I'll let others down because what goes up always comes down.

Received an invitation to my 50th high school reunion and said I'd attend. Yeah, right.  In my big fit of optimism over being dressed and in the kitchen, I didn’t really think that one through. I would not only have to get dressed but actually leave the house. And I couldn't just throw on any old thing. There would be people wanting to talk--asking questions I don’t want to answer, over and over. Would I really attend the function alone? All highly unlikely and to top off the absurdity of my quick acceptance of the invitation, I'd have to fly out of state. 

I'd have crowds, stress,  exhaustion, anxiety, expense, discomfort and acute lonliness. It doesn 't sound like much fun even to my optimistic self. I guess I just pretended to be normal there for a while.  

Sending you love, prayers and hugs my dear xoxo LoLo