How do I cope when it feels others just don’t understand

[BeautifulSunshine]

I am new to this forum, or to forums period. I lost my mother tragically on January 4, 2021. I am struggling with accepting her being gone. I am also struggling with feeling like no one(boyfriend, coworkers) is understanding how I am feeling. I feel I don’t have much support and unfortunately my boyfriend really doesn’t understand what I am dealing with. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas or would be willing to talk to me that would be great. Also, I would like to say I am terribly sorry for everyone who has lost a parent. It is so extremely difficult to learn life without the people who are supposed to always be there and guide you. Thank you for your time. 

[Monty]

Hello BeautifulSunshine,

I am so sorry about the loss of your Mum. Losing a parent suddenly is devastating. I lost my Mum suddenly 4 years ago to a brain aneurysm and my Dad suddenly in October. The emptiness left inside is all consuming.

I think it is hard for others to understand this type of loss unless they have been through it themselves. My partner lost his Dad 20 years ago so he gets it but my sister and brother’s significant others have not experienced this type of loss and do not understand. They are not as supportive and expect them to be over it. It doesn’t work that way.

I liken the loss of my parents to being stuck out in a little row boat out at sea with no oar to row with and no compass to guide me. I am devastatingly alone. I have to ride out the massive waves that hit my boat alone. Grief is a bit like being hit by waves I think.

I want to end my post by saying. You are not alone. People on this forum understand you and the pain you are experiencing. We too, have an arrow through our hearts. Come on here and reach out. We are here and above all else, be kind to yourself. Your Mum would want that for you. 

[BeautifulSunshine]

Thank you very much. I like how you put it, with the row boat and the massive waves. I feel like my soul has been ripped out of my body and I constantly have to watch it be tortured with agony and suffering and pain. I know it is difficult for others to understand how it all feels if they have not experienced it. I think it is hard for me to grasp not showing compassion when someone is so hurt. Thanks again for responding. 

[Afraid and Angry]

Hi

I read your post and I was drawn to write and reach out. I lost my mom and best friend last July. 10 days after her 63rd birthday. She had a stroke and it was very quickly. Worst part was with this virus it made it difficult to choose to either race to the hospital and take a risk of getting infected which would put my husband and child a risk too or stay away and let my father in law handle everything. Problem with that is my mother and he had problems in the marriage and he was never good in any emergency situation. So I ran took the leap and ran to be with my mom like I have since I was 8. I never left my mother's side when she was in the hospital all her adult life and I couldn't leave her now in the worst. When I heard my father in law say that she had a stroke as he cried on the phone I was in disbelief that it was all that serious. She was gonna come out of that hospital like she always did but when I showed up. That look on her face. She was clenching and twitching. She had tubes all on her face and down her throat. I watched as her toes clenched and relaxed. I was in total shock. I mean I just saw her two days before. We we're suppose to hang out that day. I still feel guilty because she asked to see me the day before but I just wasn't in the mood for company. I have been in counseling before she died and dealing with being a domestic violence survivor. If it wasn't for my mom's strength and encouragement I don't where I would be today. Not that my current husband hasn't been supportive through everything including my mom's death but I just feel like he doesn't understand. He can sympathize but not empathize. I always feel like I am constantly repeating the same feelings over and over again but he never complains.. He just sits quietly and listens but I feel like he can grasp the shock I felt seeing her in that state. The angry I felt towards my father in law who left me in that room alone with her to go get high cause that is how he deals with situations and feelings. I was alone with her when she officially passed. Clinically I knew because of my knowledge I gained in nursing school. Still when it's your own mom and you watch as it is happening. I can't get this image of her passing out of my head. I know she will always be with me spiritually and all that stuff but I feel like I am losing faith in everything I once knew. I feel like I am at a stand still. I can't go forward because I am not ready to say good bye. I so desperately want to go back but I can't. I feel so alone and lost. Worst part is having to pretend or feeling like I have to pretend for my little girl's sake. I can't cry in front of her because it scares and hurts her even though she says she understands. I am a stay at home mom and getting away is not an option even though sometimes I just want to run so far away and scream and cry and freak out. I want to lash out and say WHY!!! To make matter worse I lost my father in August of last year also to heart failure. He and I were never that close and had alot of unresolved issues but I am just ready to even process that right now. My therapist is no help anymore. She has been getting in more of that habit of talking about her problems and not mine. She gave me a test about stages of grief and her only advice is as long as your moving forward you are ok. What a load of crap. So I only see her once a month now and my husband thinks I should seek someone else. I am currently looking but today almost landed me in the ER because of physical ailments due to all my stress in life so I am sorry for all this babbling. I just didn't know what else to do or where else to go. If anyone is listening. Thank you. Thank you for taking your time to read. I really apperciate it. 

[Pennywyze43]

@BeautifulSunshine I'm sorry for your loss. My dad passed 2 years ago in February. But I wanted to share this with you. You have to remember no one is ever going to know your level of emotional pain to the extent you do. It's not really (at least for me) about finding someone to understand 100% because they can't due to the fact that they are not you. We just have to be patient with others. 

When my husband died suddenly at 34 years old, I didn't just lose my spouse, I lost my best friend, my soulmate, my life for the past 16 years. When we're in the first year of loss, we're essentially in shock that entire 365 days. Jeremy has been gone for 2 years now, and it's has gotten a lot easier to live, to breathe, to exist. And trust me, I never thought (in that first 365 days) that it could get better, but it has. 

Good luck to you. I don't work so I'm always available if you want to talk.