Missing him more than ever

[PatsyFrancis]

2020 has been such a year of loss for me. My dearest friends’ daughter overdosed in May, my husband‘s battle with cancer ended in July, I’ve lost three dear friends to Covid and I just just lost another friend last week to heart attack.  My 83-year-old mother lives with me, she has dementia. She came home from the nursing home the day before my husband passed. I feel like I’ve been on a nonstop roller coaster ride and I’m just so exhausted. I’m suddenly grieving my husband in ways that I didn’t have an opportunity to before. 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you're dealing with, all that loss. It's understandable that your mourning process was "delayed" because of so many other things, so I hope you allow for that and know it's OK and understandable...even without all that other loss, dealing with something like this can take quite a lot of time. I hope you have some help with your mother and in general!

I had many things happen to me when I lost my beloved that prolonged my grieving process as well, so I can relate. It still enrages me when I think about it - as if losing her wasn't enough - the gross injustice of it all. I wouldn't be surprised if you felt the same at times. 

Hold on; it may not seem possible now, but you can survive this. And this is a great group of people here to unload on as you feel the need. 

[KayC]

We want to welcome you here and am glad you found your way here as it helps to express yourself and know you're heard.  I am so sorry for everything you've been through and are going through!  We may not be able to take away your pain but I hope we can bring you comfort and a light as you go through this journey.  I have an e-book that was very helpful to me as my mother went through this (she passed 6 1/2 years ago), short and simple, that's what I like about it because no one has time when they're a caregiver but it helps you enter their world and know how to be there for them.  If you message me your email address, I will send it to you, it's an e-book.  My heart goes out to you with everything you have going on in your life.  You will make it through this and you've found a place where others "get it" and understand...at least a portion.  Everyone's different and the same with their relationships, but we have enough similarities to relate also.  Everything you're feeling is valid and normal under the circumstances, even when at times differing!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

Grief Process
Multiple Losses
Dementia: Caregiving