Mom currently at the end stage

[Jennyalice]

My mom was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2018, she was doing so well, but over 2020 her cancer spread and now she’s at the end stage. I’ve been her main caretaker through this all and I’m so scared to lose her. I feel like I’ll be so alone once she’s gone since she’s one of my best friends and we’ve done so much and planned to do so much more together. She’s not passed yet, but I fear it’s coming soon and I don’t know what to do or tell her during this remaining time and I hate seeing her feel so bad and weak.
 

It’s breaking my heart and I burst out in tears randomly now, I don’t want her to see me breakdown, I want to be strong for her and not make her worry about me during this time we have left. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so guilty for not doing more for her and for not always treating her with the utmost empathy. I’m not ready for this I’m only 25 and I’m not close to my father and I don’t feel like I have a solid support system behind me. I’m just so devastated and already feeling so alone. 

Do you have any suggestions on what I should tell her or do with her before she passes? Anything you wish you were able to tell your parent?

[Monty]

Hi jennyalice,

I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I have no words of wisdom on how to handle this end stage as both of my parents passed suddenly. I do know that I would do anything to have one more conversation and hold the hand of my mum and dad again. Make sure you tell your mum how much you love her and tell her stories about things you remember her doing for you or times you shared together.

Hopefully others who have been in a similar situation will reach out to you and cab offer you support and guidance. Be strong but be kind to yourself. 

[Nayana]

Dear Jennyalice,

I'm so sorry you have to experience this at such a young age. I am 21 and unfortunately I know the pain and fear you are going through. I know it doesn't seem real right now, but these are the moments you will remember. I hope you can spend as much time with her as possible. You are strong enough to get through this, and you have this community to lean to whenever you need to. Be kind to yourself, and look after yourself. Sending you lots of love, take care

[Jennyalice]

9 hours ago, Monty said:

Hi jennyalice,

I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I have no words of wisdom on how to handle this end stage as both of my parents passed suddenly. I do know that I would do anything to have one more conversation and hold the hand of my mum and dad again. Make sure you tell your mum how much you love her and tell her stories about things you remember her doing for you or times you shared together.

Hopefully others who have been in a similar situation will reach out to you and cab offer you support and guidance. Be strong but be kind to yourself. 

Thank you for your kind words and suggestion on how to show and face get feel my love for her in our remaining time together. 

11 minutes ago, Nayana said:

Dear Jennyalice,

I'm so sorry you have to experience this at such a young age. I am 21 and unfortunately I know the pain and fear you are going through. I know it doesn't seem real right now, but these are the moments you will remember. I hope you can spend as much time with her as possible. You are strong enough to get through this, and you have this community to lean to whenever you need to. Be kind to yourself, and look after yourself. Sending you lots of love, take care

I’m sorry for your loss at an even younger age than me. Thank you for your kind words and compassion. I hope I’ll be able to show her and have her feel how much she means to me and love for her before she passes

[imissmydad55]

Hi OP

I just went through this. It fucking sucked.

Wishing you warmth and positivity from Canada.

25 is young - 58 is young. Life isn't fair.

Be good to yourself. <3

[Juls3252021]

Hi,

First I am so sorry you are going through this. You are so young to have to face this especially with not much of a support system. When I read your post it sounds exactly like my experience (aside from your young age). My mother just passed away 2 weeks ago from leukemia after being diagnosed in 2018. I was also her primary caretaker as she was a divorcee and we both had no relationship with my father (her ex). Being a caretaker is probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done and I have 3 kids and a stressful technology career. I can't imagine how strong you must be even if you don't feel it sometimes. Do not beat yourself up about not always having empathy...I did the same exact thing. It is hard to always have to be the strong one and you need to take care of yourself too. As my mom just passed somewhat suddenly even though she was at end stage AML some things I wish I had done/said were:

1. Make her feel comfortable and try to ease her fears. Focus on positive memories from the past. My mother did not like to talk about her disease or the end so I didn't push it.

2. Let her rest as much as she needs to. I had my caretaker hat on too much at the end and kept trying to push her to get better instead of just enjoying some quiet time with her even if she was just sitting there or sleeping. 

3. Do something for yourself. When she does pass, the pain is very difficult to bear. I never prepared myself for it because I was always holding on to so much hope that she would recover. 

4. Depending on how you will grieve, I took many photos and videos of her and am so thankful for those as I watch them every morning now since she is gone. Even just mundane ordinary videos of every day life with her. Those are the best. 

Again I am so sorry you are going through this. Forgive yourself often and it's ok to have all kinds of feelings as you go through this...good and bad. 

[Danierenee19]

Im so sorry your going through this.. My mom was sick on and off for about 20 years.. all cancer related. She passed away March 20th (cancer treatment related) so although it was not "sudden" we were not expecting it at that moment in time. She had just fought cancer for the 3rd time. I would just talk and hug your mom as much as possible. Tell her you love her.. forgive each other if need be. Comfort her and take comfort in the fact that she will no longer suffer. That is what has some what gotten me and my sister through this time... my sister is 25 and I am 33. Talking it out and finding someone to confide in definitely helps. My young boys watched my mom pass away so we decided to put them in therapy. Professional help is never a bad idea. I will pray for you and your mom that you both feel peace and comfort in this difficult time.

[nuvar]

Sorry to hear your story. how i would approach this would be to just talk to her when she feels better, im sure when she sometimes feels better she would like to hear u talk. maybe just random current things (nothing too depressing). 

However, I remembered when my mum was ill she didnt really cared about other things. You can talk a bit about the past or just be there for her to give her a massage (using moisturizer? or those oils/lotions approved by doctors/therapists) or help to clean her, hold her hand