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No one knows how to act around me anymore


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Let me first say that, I am very familiar with grief. My dad died of natural causes when I was young but that doesn't prepare you to have your husband murdered for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. No one knows what to say or how to act around a 31yr old widow. I find myself standing quietly in a corner wanted to scream, "I'm still me". I find myself in crowded rooms feeling completely alone because as much as people try, no one really understands what I'm going through. Most days I'm still living in denial that he will be walking through the door with that amazing smile and the words "hey beautiful" on his lips. When I'm not in denial, I'm angry at God for letting such a horrible thing happen to such an amazing husband. Or I'm angry at everyone around me that still has their loved ones but tries to tell me it'll "be okay". Nothing's okay. What do you do when everyone around you, looks at you like you died right along with your spouse? 

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Hi DM31, I'm so sorry for your loss, my heart really goes out to you. To have your husband taken from you in such a way must be truly devastating. I too have lost my partner, to Huntingdon's disease at age 54, and the grief is still raw after 5 months. All of us on here are feeling the immeasurable pain and solitude of losing our loved ones. The journey to recovery is a long, slow and at times difficult one. So please feel free to vent your rage because you'll never be alone. There are many inspirational people on here, and we're all here for each other. God bless you at Easter and take care.

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I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so unfair. 

For many of us, it felt like the entire universe was shattered when our true love died.  For me, it was as if I had a traumatic brain injury.  I couldn't  understand how the world was just moving on as usual. Everything was changed.  How could it be that no one else  could see that. 

For your husband to die so young, so unexpectedly, so violently, it is no wonder that 'nothing is okay'.  It can take quite a long while to get to okay.

Unless someone has lost their true love, they really don't have a clue as to the pain you are going through. Sadly, the folks on this site get it, because our lives have been shattered too.  

We each have unique stories of how we lost our partners, but the pain we endure has many common elements. 

Come here to rant, cry, question or just read the posts of others.  There is some comfort in knowing you are not alone. 

So sorry you have reason to join us on this unwanted grief journey. 


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@DM31 I am terribly sorry for your loss, I can only imagine the horrible feelings you're having with things so fresh. I also can relate to your feelings that nobody around knows how to act around a young widow, I'm few years older than you, so none of my friends or even my parents have experienced something like I did. So basically nobody can even imagine how you feel - some don't even want to imagine themselves in same shoe, and then some would try to "comfort" you by relating to a break up they experienced, some would try not to think about it and say "things that people say". Unfortunately there are even some who say hurtful things.

I know there is no word that can give you much comfort, it is the most terrible thing that happened. But I hope that at least you don't feel that you're alone here, we all share similar pain here.

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I am so sorry.  I know age & loss is no respecter of persons but when your peers have not experienced it, you can feel so alone in it, at least that's how it was with me and my husband was 51 when he died, we didn't meet until our mid-40s.  Our friends were in their 40s and none of them got it, every single one of them disappeared immediately, my two best friends didn't even bother attending his funeral!  It adds to our grief, this isolation.  And now with Covid, we are isolated enough, throw grief in the mix and it can feel like too much.  My heart goes out to you.  

I learned to go where I felt understood, namely my grief site, and not expect my sisters to understand as they all still had their husbands.  There is no way we can begin to get across to people how hard this is.  I am so sorry for how all this happened as well as your immense loss.  To say life is not fair is an understatement.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.


There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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