Grief and guilt

[Healing2021]

I keep waking up early and the emotions hit me hard. We got my dads Ashe she the other day and that was a huge trigger. I felt like I did something wrong by letting them cremate him. When I saw him at the hospital, I had this intense urge to yell at the doctor and tell them they had to done enough. To come fix him. When I got his ashes, it almost felt the same. I was almost his caregiver, and he looked to me to help. He asked me for help when he wasn’t feeling well and I did everything I thought was right at that moment but I didn’t help him like he wanted. I keep going back and wondering what if I did this and what if I did that. If covid wasn’t around would I have taken him to a hospital? In the months leading to his heart attack, I would try to get him to stop smoking. I’d try to get him to eat better and we’d try walks. It felt like I had horribleness anxiety around losing him ever since covid started and sometimes I blame myself for that. I blame myself for quarantining him, wondering if I didn’t need do that would I have seen the heart attack sooner. His last day he spent alone in his room because of me. 

At night he was really hurting And I was up listening and checking on him. But it doesn’t feel like enough because it wasn’t enough. My brother said, “we shouldve just taken him to a hospital when he wasn’t feeling well”, and that triggered me a lot also. I just feel like this was my responsibility and I let him down. I’m not a doctor, I keep getting told. I did what I thought was right in the moment, I keep getting told.  But none of that seems right now. Now when I google things I see the symptoms. I was worried for months he was sick,but I thought it was just my own anxiety. I worried about him and my brother so much after all we’ve been through. 

 

I know now there are stages, and my loss just happened under a month ago. But it feels like the guilt stage is never ending. I want to believe that his is not my fault. I want to believe even if i had gotten him to a hospital it may not have turned out ok still. I want to believe there was nothing more I could could’ve done. That’s just impossible right now. My friends who supported me are now back to work, back to their lives where all their loved ones are living. And I’m here, crying, trying to reach out but everyone I see asleep to rest for their next day. This just sucks so bad. 

 

My dad wouldn’t want me blaming myself. He’d tell me not to worry, he always did tell me that. He’d tell me that we didn’t know. If I knew he was that I’ll, the entire day would’ve been different. The entire year would’ve been different. I guess sometimes I feel I can be in control of things I really am not in control of. Being the mom since I was 15, when my own mom died, probably has left me with some ideas that just aren’t true. I just feel like I spent the entire year anxious and scared to lose him. I didn’t hug him as much because I was working outside the house and didn’t want to expose him. I’d watch tv and eat dinner in my room instead of with him because I wanted that time but I always thought I should eat with him. I did, just not enough. Like I said, I’m told no matter what it would never feel enough. But I just want to know these feelings I’m not alone in. It would help if someone else was feeling the guilt I am. 

 

Thanks for reading. 

[reader]

Dear Healing2021,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry for your loss.

I too felt as you did after my dad passed. I too blamed myself for not doing something different. You're a good daughter. You loved and cared for your dad and did the best you could under very difficult circumstances. I wish I was more eloquent, but I think this article will help. Please know we all feel this way because we loved our parents so much and only wanted the best for them and for them to be stay with us.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

Please know we are with you. (((hugs)))

 

[Kelly H]

Dear Healing2021, I feel like I could have written a great deal of your post myself. And I'm sorry you're going through such pain. You aren't alone, and although our circumstances are all different I do understand. 

Specifically when you referenced all your helpful friends going back to their normal lives and living relatives. That really struck a chord with me and my situation.

I don't have answers at the moment. 

But just know you can vent whenever you like with like minded people who are all coming to terms with some new reality without our loved ones in it. 

[Monty]

Hi Healing2021,

I’m sorry you are going through this.

Guilt is a soul crushing part of our grieving process. Sometimes it is amazing what things we find it be guilty about. I felt guilty and still do that my Dad sent me a text message that fateful day asking for help as he had collapsed and could not get out of bed. I did not find that message for an hour as I was working. Would the outcome have been different if I had found that message earlier? Would he still be alive? I will never know. I will forever have to live with that guilt. It eats me up inside. My siblings try to be supportive but he did not send that message to them. They did not let him down. I did.

Unfortunately, You are no stranger to grief after the loss of your Mum at 15. I feel it is a different loss though when you lose the second parent. Now we are ‘adult orphans’. We feel alone. It brings back up the hurt and loss of losing our Mums too. Opens back up that wound. 

Healing2021, you are not alone. We are here for you on this forum. We understand. We too have arrows through our hearts. It is hard.

I try to carry my parents love with me in my heart as I go through each day. That is all I can do. Take care. 

[reader]

Dear Healing,

How are you doing this week?

Thinking of you.

[Healing2021]

Hi 

I’m having a hard time. I feel like I’ve stopped thinking about the death and just have been going through the motions. My brother has been emotional. Sometimes I just feel so sad. But others Im ok. 
 

thanks for asking. I appreciate you. 

[reader]

Dear Healing,

(((hugs))) It's so hard to lose a parent. Keep taking it day by day. I hope you and your brother have the support you need during this difficult time.

My thoughts are with you both. I'll check back again soon.

[Taylor22]

Hi Healing2021, 

I am so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this. I can’t provide any answers, but I can definitely relate to what you are going through. I lost my mom a month ago suddenly to a massive heart attack, she was only 52 and had no prior health conditions aside from some minor gastro problems. A week or so leading up to her death, she was complaining of having indigestion and shortness of breath when she bent over. She went to the doctors, went through some testing, and was cleared. The doctor told her it was most likely her acid reflux flaring up, she’s had stomach problems for years so it wasn’t really that alarming. It wouldn’t be the first time a flair up was that bad. Looking back, I feel so stupid. Why couldn’t I see the signs? Any other time I would insist on taking my mom to the doctors if symptoms persisted, but why didn’t I insist this time? The one time it actually mattered and the one that that resulted in her death? Normally I’d be in Google immediately, but this time I didn’t and I keep beating myself up for it. I know my mom wouldn’t want me to blame myself, but I can’t help it. I keep playing happened when I arrived at the ER, unfortunately she passed before I got there. My mom and I were so close and the guilt from this devastating loss is just eating at me from the inside. 

This is also the second parent I lost, my dad died suddenly 11 years ago when I was 17. I’m now 28 and I feel lost and abandoned without either of my parents. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone! Please contact me if you need to talk, I’m here for you and I can understand what you’re going through on a certain level. I decided to reach out to a grief counselor, I actually meet with them today.