Lost my Brandy

[Joyce Newman]

I lost my daughter and only child Brandy the night of December 28,2006 when she made the tragic decision to end her life after her relationship broke up. I did not realize just how much pain she was in as if I had I would have moved heaven and earth to keep her here with me. She lived about an hour's drive from me and she came to my place that afternoon asking me if I would watch her two girls - then 3 and 7 - as she needed some time alone to think about what she was going to do with her life. I said OK and kissed bye. The next day at noon the police showed up at my door, telling me she had been found in a motel room bathtub. Apparently, after leaving the girls with me, she went to a walk-in clinic, got a three month prescription of the antidepressant amitriptilene and went to the pharmacy and filled the prescription, also buying a large bottle of extra strength gravol. She then checked into a motel 4 blocks from my place, took the meds and washed them down with a bottle of wine while she was in the bathtub. She was found at check out time the next day. If only I had seen some sign of how she was feeling and of what she was about to do, but I didn't and now have to live with the guilt that I failed her as her Mom, cause as her Mom, I should have seen something.

I have come to accept her decision though I will never understand it. Her leaving has left such a hole in my heart and I still miss her so much. However, as time passes the pain and emotional devastation has subsided somewhat, I still have rough days but they are not as debilitating nor as frequent as they were at first and I am starting to enjoy what life has to offer once again. It is the hardest journey I will ever travel and I backslide time and time again as I never know what will trigger a grief stricken day but I am slowly moving forward and her girls give me reason to go on.

[dwsmithrn]

I lost my daughter and only child Brandy the night of December 28,2006 when she made the tragic decision to end her life after her relationship broke up. I did not realize just how much pain she was in as if I had I would have moved heaven and earth to keep her here with me. She lived about an hour's drive from me and she came to my place that afternoon asking me if I would watch her two girls - then 3 and 7 - as she needed some time alone to think about what she was going to do with her life. I said OK and kissed bye. The next day at noon the police showed up at my door, telling me she had been found in a motel room bathtub. Apparently, after leaving the girls with me, she went to a walk-in clinic, got a three month prescription of the antidepressant amitriptilene and went to the pharmacy and filled the prescription, also buying a large bottle of extra strength gravol. She then checked into a motel 4 blocks from my place, took the meds and washed them down with a bottle of wine while she was in the bathtub. She was found at check out time the next day. If only I had seen some sign of how she was feeling and of what she was about to do, but I didn't and now have to live with the guilt that I failed her as her Mom, cause as her Mom, I should have seen something.

I have come to accept her decision though I will never understand it. Her leaving has left such a hole in my heart and I still miss her so much. However, as time passes the pain and emotional devastation has subsided somewhat, I still have rough days but they are not as debilitating nor as frequent as they were at first and I am starting to enjoy what life has to offer once again. It is the hardest journey I will ever travel and I backslide time and time again as I never know what will trigger a grief stricken day but I am slowly moving forward and her girls give me reason to go on.

joyce....i don't know how to move on with my life....nathan out a 45 in his mouth while sitting on the beach...his most favorite place in the whole world and ended his life right there....i still have nightmares about it...i live 4 1/2 hours away from him and was not there, but i have nightmares.....i didn't know it, either...i didn't know how depressed he was and why? i didn't know he was so unhappy....he so smart....was an occupational therapist....loved his job, his patients and they loved him immensely...asked for him by name....he was smiling, talkative, always telling jokes....had all sorts of fun facts to share with anyone he met...never met a stranger...he took his life 2 days after his 32nd birthday....he was all happy and talking of future plans on his birthday....he knew? no one....if was a shoke to everyone, friends and family alike. i am so devastated. i 'feel' nothing....i love my 3 living children, my 7 grandchildren so much, but i can't seem to find the 'joy' and 'happiness' i once knew...i am so fortunate that my husband is loving, kind, compassionate and understanding....we do go to counseling and i think this helps, but there is no way i can outlive the guilt....it is ingrained in my heart forever. the tremendous blow to my soul and the pain in my heart is overpowering my will to get better right now....it is like my heart, my mind, my soul and my body are constantly at war....does that make any sense to you at all? i know i need to be a wife and a mom and a grandmother again, and i do 'try' when they are around, but putting on fake faces and putting on 'fronts' for everyone is extremely tiring and really wears me down. i don't like to do it, but feel i have to make everyone else happy....but, i'm not happy. it has been 7+ months....it seems like yesterday. i miss my boy...he was so good to me....he was so kind and caring and loving....he was sweet....why, why this? why could he not go for help or ask his mom to help him? i will never know the answers to this.....maybe that is what hurts too....i don't know.....

i need to know how you learned to put one foot in front of the other....maybe you can help me....maybe? thanks....diane.....mother of an angel, too.