his best friend visited, my heart hurts

[aflee12345]

Yesterday I was visited by my husband's best friend since they were 5 years old. This man was like a rock for the 14 days my husband was in the hospital, unconscious and on a ventilator after a massive heart attack at the age of 62. He lives on the other side of the country and I would text him every night about how things were going.

Yesterday was the first time I had seen him in over a year, when the 4 of us had a special weekend together in the middle of the country. But he and my husband would talk all the time.

We cried and laughed. He broke my heart all over again when he shared that he couldn't get out of bed for days after my husband died. He found a book from their childhood, from their elementary school library. He found another book that the 2 of them read in high school. I gave him two framed posters from their days as choir boys. No one knew my husband better or loved him more than this man, apart from me.

After he left I cried like I haven't in days. 

[Gail 8588]

Aflee, 

I know it hurts, but it is also somehow comforting to be with someone who truly loved your husband and who grieves his absence deeply.   He shoulders a bit of the burden of remembering and honoring your husband. 

I hope you feel not quite as alone after his visit. 

Gail

[foreverhis]

Of course it was difficult for you.  Your husband's best friend in the world next to you visiting was bound to bring up all kinds of emotional turmoil. 

On the one hand, having someone who understands deeply, though differently, who your love was can bring comfort because you can relate to each other's pain.  On the other, he was a vivid reminder of what you have lost, as well as a reminder to you that even his best friend wasn't as close to him as you were (and are).

Honestly, I kind of wish he hadn't shared his grieving difficulties with you to that extent.  Of course it would be an extremely painful time for him.  He lost his best friend throughout life.  Yet, he will go on, he will return to his day-to-day life, and his world will keep spinning in a way that yours will not.  He lost a best friend; you lost your soulmate, your heart, your everything.  I am certain he meant to let you know he understood and shared your grief, but the truth is that he can't fully do that.

And so you were able to laugh and cry and reminisce, which is a good thing, but you are left with jagged edges of grief that is yours alone.

I'm so very sorry you find yourself here with us, but you have found a comforting, caring place to be.

[KayC]

I am so glad you have someone who knew and loves your husband and can understand just an iota of what you're feeling.  As painful as it was, I'm glad he visited with you, how special to have such a long time friend as that!

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so glad you have someone who knew and loves your husband and can understand just an iota of what you're feeling.  As painful as it was, I'm glad he visited with you, how special to have such a long time friend as that!

So true.  It's rare to have a friend who is truly life long and who has continued to build close ties of love and caring over so many decades.

The first people who visited, and as soon as they could get away, were our best friends of 32 years.  I couldn't bear to be around most people and it was hard even with them, but they knew John in a way few others did.  They were, and for me still are, brother- and sister-by-choice.  That's how we relate and often how we describe our relationship.  Plus he and John look like brothers and she and I look like sisters.  Once when a new friend was looking at pictures, she saw their wedding photo and asked "Is that John's brother or is it your sister?"  Um...Yes, in our own way.  They came down four times over the first 5 months.

It was a really hard time for them too.  It helped, even though it hurt a lot, and being alone after they'd head home was really difficult.  Come that first Labor Day Weekend, when he and John used to sit down and figure out which football games would be worth their time to watch, he kind of fell apart for the whole weekend.  He tried not to let me see it too much, but it was obvious to me anyway.  That is something that even I didn't share with John, the fun of choosing sporting events to enjoy.  Not being fanatics, but still having certain match ups that the two of them chose as part of their "guy time," was a big deal for 30 years. 

In a weird way, knowing how deeply losing John hurt them allowed me to take off "the brave face" around them.  Maybe that's why my own grief felt so much sharper and deeper afterward.

[SDC]

Oh man, searing pain and beauty wrapped up together. I'm sorry for the hard emotions. It's wonderful that his friend loved your husband so much and that someone else grieved deeply when he died. How lovely that he came to visit you too. I know you're filled with gratitude for him, but I know you're grief feels new and raw again--jagged edges indeed. The intensity of the ups and downs are brutal. Please be kind and gentle with yourself as you recover from your time with him and find your unsteady footing.