How do I deal with guilt and grief Mum has gone

[Patchie]

My Mum passed away3 March 2021. She was 92 and had a twisted bowel. The palliative care in Hospital was not adequate to take her pain away. The last thing she gasped to me was I cant take anymore put a knife in me I would do it for you. It was only then after 7 days suffering when I told the Doctor what she said  after ringing the bell 4 times and having to run down the ward calling for them to come  that they increased Mums pain medication.The memory of her painful last days and the guilt that I put her into care for 2 years  when all she wanted was to live with me, is taking its toll on me. I haven't properly cried just tears every now and then. It doesn't feel real. I guess I am numb but guilty at the same time. I dont know how to keep going in my life. I keep having flash backs.

[Monty]

Hi Patchie,

I am sorry for the loss of your Mum. It must have been difficult to see her in such pain in her final days. 

Guilt is a normal part of grief but it can eat you up inside. You were not a medical professional working in this facility. It was not your job to manage your mum’s pain. Your job was to be there for her and support her and you were. 
 

Flashbacks are normal too and I promise they will lessen with time and become less intense. I remember the flashbacks after losing my Mum and Dad. They were horrendous. I would wake in the night crying after another intense flashback dream. Sometimes they can almost take your breath away with an enormous wave of despair.

Please be kind to yourself. Keep coming onto places like this and sharing. People on here understand. Take care. 

[Patchie]

Thankyou so very much.