Haven’t heard from my grieving best friend (18F) properly for 3 months, would like to know what I’m (20M) doing right/wrong

[Adam M.]

Hello,

The title summarises the situation well enough, but for more detail, I’ll summarise the stages in bullet points:

1) In about October, her dad became seriously ill due to COVID and was admitted to hospital.
2) He was then transferred to a specialist hospital.
3) In mid-December he died.
4) We were speaking regularly - including on the day he died - up till New Year’s Day; she seemed to be coping okay but the loss wasn’t really sinking in.
5) I had exams in early January so didn’t press her about anything during this time, instead focusing on my work, figuring she would be in touch if she was struggling.
6) Once my exams were over, I emailed her an assortment of memes (captioned images, usually supposed to be funny), figuring email wouldn’t put pressure on her to reply instantly, unlike text or WhatsApp.
7) I then sent another assortment of memes, and she replied on the 3rd of February, saying the memes cheered her up a little but that she was ‘incredibly down’.
8) I started sending her 5 memes twice a week, later increased to 7 memes thrice a week. Also some brownies in March.

Today marks 3 months since we last texted. Having read plenty on grief, I understand that it’s not something you just ‘get over’ overnight. Is there anything I should be doing? Anything I’m doing wrong? I would appreciate any help or advice, opinions etc. We live about 30 miles apart, so I can’t see her unfortunately. Her birthday is next month, so I’ve been getting some nice presents sorted.

Adam

[Monty]

Hi Adam,

Grief can make some people (myself included) turn away from social situations and need time alone. In saying that, text messages and missed calls from friend’s mean a lot to me. If you email her, or text her or call her and she does not respond do not feel offended she is just dealing with her grief the best way she can, Keep sending those messages though. You have no idea how much they mean to her. You could messages things like ‘Thinking of you. Hope your doing ok. Remember I’m here if you need me’. 
Don’t put any pressure on her to respond or catch up but let her know that you are happy to talk or meet up if that will help her. 

Your friend is lucky to have someone like you looking out for her. Just keep being there. Often people drop away and get back to there own busy lives whilst we are left still living every moment of our lives with a heart that is shattered and broken. Our worlds have changed forever. 

[Adam M.]

13 hours ago, Monty said:

Hi Adam,

Grief can make some people (myself included) turn away from social situations and need time alone. In saying that, text messages and missed calls from friend’s mean a lot to me. If you email her, or text her or call her and she does not respond do not feel offended she is just dealing with her grief the best way she can, Keep sending those messages though. You have no idea how much they mean to her. You could messages things like ‘Thinking of you. Hope your doing ok. Remember I’m here if you need me’. 
Don’t put any pressure on her to respond or catch up but let her know that you are happy to talk or meet up if that will help her. 

Your friend is lucky to have someone like you looking out for her. Just keep being there. Often people drop away and get back to there own busy lives whilst we are left still living every moment of our lives with a heart that is shattered and broken. Our worlds have changed forever. 

Thanks for the reply Monty! I don’t feel offended at all, having read plenty on the grieving process, and what you’ve written only confirms that. I will take your advice of including more messages of support in the emails, as often I just try and make them as lighthearted as possible, therefore missing the opportunity to say something reassuring or kind. 

[Adam M.]

12 minutes ago, Valerie Lockhart said:

Dear Adam M,

Coping with a death does not follow a simple pattern or set of rules. There are many ways to grieve. Some people will isolate themselves. Perhaps your girlfriend declined your invitation, because she is afraid of losing control of her emotions in front of others. Or she may feel guilty about enjoying a meal and fellowship at such a time.  Continue to text your girlfriend and face time to let her know you're there to extend comfort. If emotional outbursts are directed at you, it will take insight and patience on your part not to respond with irritation. “Clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering,” recommends the Bible.— Colossians 3:12, 13. Send an edible delight with a comforting message or bible scripture on the card to gain her attention. You might want to drive by and leave a card or message on her windshield or tape it to her door. The message can say that you care and you can share a special memory about the deceased, or it can show how your life was touched by the person who died. In time, you may be moved to talk about the deceased, perhaps focusing on some good qualities or happy experiences. You might find it hard to know what to say to your girlfriend. Sometimes our tears say more than our words. The Bible offers the best advice, “Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you.” - Psalm 55:22

She’s my best friend not my girlfriend, but I appreciate your advice; unfortunately I’m unable to see her presently due to lockdown restrictions and geographical distance. I shall however endeavour to be supportive as best I can 

[Adam M.]

26 minutes ago, Valerie Lockhart said:

Dear Adam M,

I apologize for calling her your girlfriend. May the God of comfort take hold of you and your best friend's hand and walk beside you during this time of need. And, may you find comfort in the hope of a resurrection (Revelation 21:3, 4) Stay safe, and do not give up.

No problem :) thank you for all your kind words.