Anger

[Perro J]

I have been so sad since she was taken from me that I find it masks a lot of the anger still whirling around inside of me. Certain personalities have a way of giving rise to my anger and my thoughts turn to rage. I hate the loss of control.

• I am angry at God for not preventing this, whether through miracle or not.
• I am angry at cancer for making the woman I love suffer and die.
• I am angry she was not given a better break in life.
• I am angry that I had love like I had never had before and it was taken from me.
• I am angry that I was not able to be the hero that could save her.

I am cooped up in a house with minimal social contact with people. I really wish I had a punching bag. How crappy this is that my excitement for the week is ordering Pad Thai for takeout.

Life is not grand and I have no idea how I am going to find happy again. I've have heard it said that anger is an acid that eats its own container. Has anyone figured out a way to deal with the anger?

[LMR]

I feel for you. I too am angry. Angry at God, angry at the doctors, hospital. He had a broken hip, he should not have died but they failed to care for him and I was not allowed to be with him. We all want to be that hero but I feel sure I could have saved him if only they had let me in.

My husband did not believe in a God and he said if there is one he doesn't want to know him because he lets people suffer too much when he could, presumably stop it. Sometimes I imagine him out there saying " no, I'm not coming in". He could be very stubborn.

I was able to vent my anger by filing complaints. Investigations are in progress. Probably nothing will come of it but at least they will know that I blame them. 

My excitement of the week is getting tortured at physical therapy for my broken wrist!

[Gail 8588]

Perro and LMR, 

I hear you both. I was angry too.  Angry at God, doctors, myself.  

I don't know how to stop feeling angry. I think it just runs it's course - because eventually it is so obvious that it has no real impact on the 'others' you are angry with and it is really self destructive.  You eventually have to let go of the anger or it eats you alive.

LMR I think it is fine to try to hold the negligent parties accountable.  But the sad fact is that even if you "win" it doesn't actually bring much relief, because your love is still dead.

Buying or making a punching bag is not a bad idea. (Buy boxing gloves to protect your hands. No need to break bones.) Screaming can be therapeutic too. Just try to be out of hearing range of others. 

I think it's really hard to find a new life that's workable while you are still so angry at the world. 

Similarly, I had to let go of all my crippling fears.

Anger, anxiety and profound loneliness are pretty formidable foes when we are trying to rebuild our lives.  

Hugs,

Gail

[LMR]

11 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

 

LMR I think it is fine to try to hold the negligent parties accountable.  But the sad fact is that even if you "win" it doesn't actually bring much relief, because your love is still dead.

Buying or making a punching bag is not a bad idea. (Buy boxing gloves to protect your hands. No need to break bones.) Screaming can be therapeutic too. Just try to be out of hearing range of others. 

I think it's really hard to find a new life that's workable while you are still so angry at the world. 

Similarly, I had to let go of all my crippling fears.

Anger, anxiety and profound loneliness are pretty formidable foes when we are trying to rebuild our lives.  

Hugs,

Gail

I waited several months before sending in the complaints. It did make me feel better, I'm still angry but it no longer eats away at me. I don't see it as a win or lose situation. I just want them to know how badly they let us down.

[widower2]

I've often thought and said that I wish I could personify cancer (or life, or whatever is responsible) so I could beat the living #### out of it. I would enjoy that a lot. And yes there are several doctors who if not for legal/jail consequences to me at the time, I would have quite enjoyed doing the same to. Mind you I'm talking about some of the most highly-regarded cancer centers in the world too. Our medical profession is a joke. 

But as Gail wisely said, anger can be self-destructive, and we deserve better. It's easier said than done of course but try to remember letting go of that isn't done for those people or things that have failed you.....it's for you.

 

 

[KayC]

Anger stage
Anger One of the Stages of Grief?
Anger & Jealousy in Grief

[Sparky1]

18 hours ago, widower2 said:

Mind you I'm talking about some of the most highly-regarded cancer centers in the world too. Our medical profession is a joke. 

My wife had her cancer treatment prescribed by a top doctor at one of our top cancer hospitals here, and it just made her go quicker than she was supposed to. I don't trust most hospitals and doctors. You figure after all these years they would have learned enough to know how to treat it.

[Maria_PI]

@Perro J I understand where you are coming from, even though I never felt angry after my husband's loss. I've felt and still feel guilty, sad, depressed sometimes, sorry for myself, have many regrets, but not angry.  Although I think sometimes it's a good thing to be angry because it motivates you to push back. I think anger is a consequence of expectations that were too high for the outcome. I never expected God to save him or me because I don't believe that's God's purpose. I can't be angry at cancer because cancer is the enemy and I don't expect it to act in any other way, I can hate it and I do. I can't be angry at myself or the doctors because we couldn't save him. Yes, mistakes were made, the doctors and nurses are humans with their own issues, some are better than others but that is also to be expected. The only thing I was angry at the time was the Covid situation that made his treatment and outcome different than expected because protocols were changed and hopes died. I was angry at the healthcare system that wasn't prepared for Covid and turned people into robots following protocols that didn't make sense for certain situations but had damaging and sometimes fatal consequences. The anger made me fight back although not as fiercely as I would like because that's not my nature. But that was mostly before he passed. I have not felt anger since then. I have come to realize that death is final and there is nothing I can do to change that. I can try to keep his spirit alive and that I do with my every fiber every second of the day.

I hope you don't take any offense with my post, everyone is different, we all grieve differently and I understand that. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and that's what we are all here for.

Peace!

[DMB]

I certainly understand the anger.  I don't feel the same way about the medical community.  My experience has been good.  They  were are all caring, professional, and I couldn't ask for a better team.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Dec, 2017 (Merry Christmas to me!) and my husband took it pretty hard.  He went to appointments with me and was with me thru surgery.  Now that I'm processing his death of lung cancer, I feel like I know what he felt when you get that devastating diagnosis.  While I told my husband at the time, I don't think this is going to kill me, his cancer was a killer.  My daughter absolutely hated his oncologist, but he told the truth.  This will be fatal.  You do have hopes of a better outcome, but ultimately I feel like each person reacts and fights differently.  Treatments can be harsh, but they also extend your life.  7 months in his case, the last 3 months being during the start of covid19 stay at home.  If there's a silver lining anywhere, it's that we were all together everyday those last few months.  When the cancer finally spread to his brain he did choose to do the radiation.  Ten times to the hospital.  The first week he was walking and talking although we had to wait outside for  him.  By the 2nd week they were taking him in the wheel chair.  His mental status changed, and I totally missed the signs of him having pneumonia.  Only saw him short of breath once.  I actually had him in the shower the morning of an appt. He walked out of the house on his own but I had to have help getting him out of the car at the Dr.s office.  His blood oxygen level was dangerously low (like 70) and I was embarrassed.  They probably thought, what in the world is she thinking?  Honestly I guess I wasn't.  They called an ambulance and that was it.  Couldn't go in to the ER dept. but once admitted I did get to speak to a Dr. and nurses via phone.  I was allowed in the critical care unit since covid was on another floor for an hour per day.  One day the nurse said stay as long as you like.  The next day when we called he had given up, meds weren't helping him, so they let all of us in, and that was it.  I do hate cancer.

[Jttalways]

I joined Muay Thai (kick boxing) and it helped with my anger issues. Hitting people and bags released my anger. I also got hit and the physical pain was a welcome distraction from the emotional pain. 

[KayC]

I think most of us have felt anger in our grief and totally understand.  @Jttalways That is such a great idea!  I used to be in a horrid marriage where my XH beat me and cheated on me continually, I got a punching bag for the garage and used it regularly, it helped a lot until I could figure out a way to leave....in one piece.  It's good to channel the energy somehow!

[widower2]

On 4/1/2021 at 7:26 PM, Sparky1 said:

My wife had her cancer treatment prescribed by a top doctor at one of our top cancer hospitals here, and it just made her go quicker than she was supposed to. I don't trust most hospitals and doctors. You figure after all these years they would have learned enough to know how to treat it.

I hear you...though clarification, I'm not angry at the prescribed treatments per se, it was the incompetence, apathy, in some cases downright cruel attitudes we received. There's still a so-called Dr out there I dream of beating the living #### out of (and might have, if I wasn't worried about how it would upset her). 

[TLN]

On 3/31/2021 at 9:51 PM, Perro J said:

Has anyone figured out a way to deal with the anger?

I find that telling the truth about what happened to my loved one to those who wronged him is a powerful way to both honor him, as well as to free me from the anger at those who slander him even after his death. Mine might be a different situation than yours; still, I think this principle applies.

16 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

I can try to keep his spirit alive and that I do with my every fiber every second of the day.

Good! That is the very reason I come to this site to write: to honor my Father and keep his spirit alive and celebrated as the good man I knew him to be, not what those who hate him, even now, say he was.

14 hours ago, KayC said:

It's good to channel the energy somehow!

Yes, definitely. I find the pursuit of truth is an excellent way to channel anger. Thank you.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, TLN said:

I find the pursuit of truth is an excellent way to channel anger.

I agree.  Widower mentioned medical incompetence, and I think wholeheartedly we should address it, not everyone feels able but if you're a fighter like me, it does help!  For myself, I blame the doctor for not referring George to a cardiologist or even considering he had heart issues, given his family history...the truth is, he suffered a major heart attack six months before he died and the doctor poo-pooed it...turns out that fatal weekend a cardiologist did discover it and it was too late by then, the damage had been done.  I made an appt. with his PCP and confronted him with the knowledge and extracted a promise from him that no one else would suffer what we suffered because of him, that he should always refer to a specialist if any question, and not assume he knew everything.  Another man died, same situation, same doctor, just before George did.

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

that he should always refer to a specialist if any question, and not assume he knew everything.

Wow, this is exactly how our family doctor operates. He does not like referring patients to a specialist, he assumes he can take care of everything. This was the case with my wife, and if he had referred her to a specialist years ago, her problems might have been detected earlier and she might have had a chance.

My wife's cancer didn't just pop out overnight, my family and I think that it had to have been there for quite some time and eventually the symptoms got worse. We look at pictures of my wife from a few years ago and you can see that she didn't look right.

I've had the same experience with the doctor and so has another family member. It all boils down to $$. Arggggggh

[Maria_PI]

13 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

It all boils down to $$. Arggggggh

That's it! That's the bottom line. Doctors nowadays are turned into businesspeople who constantly have to calculate how much they can make off of a given patient, not how they can help the patient. No matter if they are a private practice or a corporate machine. My husband's PCP has a private practice but he doesn't spend more than 5-10 minutes with the patient at any given appointment then he moves on to the next, like a conveyor at a factory. The follow up is by phone from the admin who is not even a nurse. I am convinced that he missed my husband's blood decline for months before it was too late and the platelets were at the bottom. I cannot imagine that platelets falling from 300K to 10K happens overnight. My husband was complaining of being tired all the time for years, and did not miss his quarterly check ups except the one before last, and he missed it because he lost patience of waiting for hours to see the doctor, with an appointment, because the doctor was too busy. Who's to say that the doctor even had a look at the bloodwork the previous times? The labs send everything directly to his office and the standard administrative answer is "the doctor (means the admin assistant) will contact you if there is anything out of the ordinary". So, that said, it is the system that makes them act like this. So if anything needs to change, it's the system and this will take decades if ever. So I am not angry at the doctor, I know him personally, he is highly qualified and knowledgeable when he is available. He was my PCP for a time, I didn't like his approach and looked elsewhere, changed 3 PCP since then - they have the same corporate for-profit attitude. I can't fight them all. So yes, a punchbag or some other anger outlet could be a temporary solution, but even then there is more chance you can harm yourself that change anything that's in the past. 

I am sorry for this pessimistic rant, and thank you for sharing and being here to listen!

 

[AmyActually]

My therapist really tries to get me to express the anger. It is the hardest emotion for me to cope with. But it's definitely there; lurking just below the surface. I sometimes express my anger verbally to my dead husband. I then apologize and explain why I said what I said. I know he loves me and would understand my need to get it out. But I bet like most things different people have different things that work for them.

[ScotJ65]

On 4/1/2021 at 3:51 AM, Perro J said:

• I am angry at cancer for making the woman I love suffer and die.
• I am angry she was not given a better break in life.
• I am angry that I had love like I had never had before and it was taken from me.
• I am angry that I was not able to be the hero that could save her.

Hello Perro J. That's exactly how I feel too. It was Huntingdon's disease that took my beautiful woman away from me & witnessing her rapid decline will stay with me forever. I'm not so much angry with God (just a personal opinion) because I truly believe He has given her the rightful place in heaven she deserves. I'm very angry, furious in fact, that with all the $Trillions being squandered on nuclear weapons, futile missions to Mars etc that money could be spent where it's urgently needed i.e. wiping out world poverty and properly funding research into finding cures for all the horrible diseases that blight our planet and ultimately lead to us both losing our partners. Those people with power, money and influence may one day wake up and see the light, but I very much doubt it....

[steveb]

2 minutes ago, ScotJ65 said:

I'm very angry, furious in fact, that with all the $Trillions being squandered on nuclear weapons, futile missions to Mars etc that money could be spent where it's urgently needed i.e. wiping out world poverty and properly funding research into finding cures for all the horrible diseases that blight our planet and ultimately lead to us both losing our partners.

Amen brother, I couldn’t agree more!!!  

[ScotJ65]

4 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I've had the same experience with the doctor and so has another family member. It all boils down to $$. Arggggggh

Hello Sparky1. You've hit the nail right on the head. A world in which cash is king, and human life is expendable. Will it ever change? I doubt it very much.

[ScotJ65]

4 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

I didn't like his approach and looked elsewhere, changed 3 PCP since then - they have the same corporate for-profit attitude.

You're so right. A world in which balance sheets & profit and loss a/c's take precedence over human life. A sorry state of affairs.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

Doctors nowadays are turned into businesspeople who constantly have to calculate how much they can make off of a given patient

I'm running into this at my new doctor's office!  It's insane!  I need a referral to my dermatologist as I have a new doctor and new insurance so the old one won't suffice, I have an appt. this week at the derm. for a skin cancer check.  So far they've always found at least one melanoma so I do not want to cancel.  Twice they gave me a referral for the wrong person because they didn't listen and wouldn't take the appt. card I offered them that had all the info on it.  New ins. requires a referral for my mammogram so my doctor insists on a "telephone visit" (so he can charge for it undoubtedly) and then they send me the same online questionnaire they do for regular visits asking me pages of questions on Covid (have I traveled, do I have a fever, etc).  Hate to break the news to you doc, but YOU can't catch Covid over the phone!!!  Grrr, it's all BS!

 

20 hours ago, AmyActually said:

My therapist really tries to get me to express the anger. It is the hardest emotion for me to cope with. But it's definitely there; lurking just below the surface. I sometimes express my anger verbally to my dead husband. I then apologize and explain why I said what I said. I know he loves me and would understand my need to get it out. But I bet like most things different people have different things that work for them.

Hi, we want to welcome you here and hope you will share your story when you feel able.  It is common to feel all kinds of emotions for our deceased, some of which may not make rational sense, but then rationale need not enter in when emotions are involved!  We can even feel opposing emotions at the same time, all of them valid!  My husband would be the first to understand as he always understood me. 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Perro J]

I thank you all for your responses and suggestions.

There were two trips to the emergency room in early December where we thought we were fighting some sort of gastrointestinal disorder such as an acid reflux problem or ulcers. She was in pain and we didn't know what to do. They couldn't find anything and because she wasn't dying, she was released from the hospital and they said after the 2nd visit that they would call her to schedule an endoscopy. They never called and she was scared to call them herself because she didn't know how much the emergency room visits were going to cost.

In March, she finally relented and realized she needed to get this solved and she called them. That is when we learned it was cancer.

Of course I ask myself would it have been different if we had gotten the endoscopy right away. Of course it would be different. Would the end result have been the same? I don't know. Probably.

I had joined a Brazilian Ju Jitsu class before she got sick. I liked it and they also offered Muay Thai there as well. I am not an aggressive guy but I think I would have liked continuing the classes. The pandemic put a stop to that. Maybe I can resume that in time. My body is starting to feel the effect of aging and atrophy from being housebound. I've not taken good care of myself since she died.

The experience of grieving shows us how superfluous our material pursuits are. None of this stuff we work for is going with us when we leave. The things of value are our connections to one another as human beings. I think it is the personalities that still seem so doggedly determined that the pursuit of wealth and possessions are the purpose of life that piss me off the most. Yes, we need food, water, shelter, and maybe even a few things for our amusements. What is really required isn't that much. Who we share those things with are what create the joy in them. Not the things themselves. I've lost that special person and with her went the extra essence that made those things pleasurable. Now they have reverted back to just being things.

[steveb]

7 hours ago, Perro J said:

The experience of grieving shows us how superfluous our material pursuits are. None of this stuff we work for is going with us when we leave. The things of value are our connections to one another as human beings. I think it is the personalities that still seem so doggedly determined that the pursuit of wealth and possessions are the purpose of life that piss me off the most. Yes, we need food, water, shelter, and maybe even a few things for our amusements. What is really required isn't that much. Who we share those things with are what create the joy in them. Not the things themselves. I've lost that special person and with her went the extra essence that made those things pleasurable. Now they have reverted back to just being things.

I’ve been reflecting on the same stuff. And, I share your sentiments.

[KayC]

Me too, I so agree!

[Roxeanne]

On 4/2/2021 at 5:21 PM, Maria_PI said:

Although I think sometimes it's a good thing to be angry because it motivates you to push back. I think anger is a consequence of expectations that were too high for the outcome.

Anger is my old companion! 

It's an energy like a volcano inside you ,ready to explode.

And the explosion often falls on you!

You're right Maria , we have the hidden convinction that life owes us all the good things.

Sometimes i'm angry con l'universo creato with the whole universe for taking him away from me and forcing me to face a boring world alone!

But who knows ? Life and his ways are so mysterious so inexplicable

Anger is a powerless reaction....i recognize it!

After!

[TLN]

On 4/3/2021 at 2:37 PM, ScotJ65 said:

I'm not so much angry with God (just a personal opinion) because I truly believe He has given her the rightful place in heaven she deserves.

Dear ScotJ65, That goes for me, too. I am not angry at God; but He seems to have died the same moment as my Father. A haunting silence from Heaven is what I live in now. Still, I hope to one day see my Father again, and so in his rightful place in Heaven. If I did not have that hope to hang onto, I believe I would have died along with him. Thank you for sharing. @TLN.

[TLN]

On 4/2/2021 at 10:21 AM, Maria_PI said:

Although I think sometimes it's a good thing to be angry because it motivates you to push back. I think anger is a consequence of expectations that were too high for the outcome.

Dear Maria_PI, 

Perhaps that is true about too high of expectations. My loved one did not die from medical incompetence, so I cannot speak to that (see @TLN). In my case, the hurt comes from those who dishonor my Father even now when he's dead. But I guess I cannot expect people who hate him to be sad about his death, or to care about my agony. Still, my "push back" is simply to honor my Father (see my blog Baby's Heart on this site), whether they come to see the truth, or accept it, or not. Thank you for sharing. TLN.

[ScotJ65]

12 hours ago, TLN said:

A haunting silence from Heaven is what I live in now. Still, I hope to one day see my Father again, and so in his rightful place in Heaven. If I did not have that hope to hang onto, I believe I would have died along with him.

Hi TLN, Keeping our faith in Him when we're being tested severely by all the pain this world can throw at us is the key to everlasting life. I truly believe that, and am totally convinced that by keeping this faith we'll one day gain the ultimate reward of being reunited with those we love, miss and have lost. Stay strong, take care of yourself & God bless.