The "Struggle Is Real" doesn't come close!!

[TattooedJess414]

Hello, 

 I'm new to this online support group thing. So I want to start by saying a little about myself/life. I'm the mother to 3 beautiful babies. 16, 13, and 10. I'm also struggling with addiction, Depression, Anxiety, and BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). I'm also struggling tremendously with the passing of my Fiancé. May 14th 2020 is the day the decision was made to take him off Life support. Going back a few days.....

May 8, 2020 My Fiancé "Eddie" left our home to go to his appt with his doctor which was mandatory every 2 weeks in order to continue his medication for Suboxone. For those who don't know, Suboxone is a disgusting medication that is proscribed to Heroin Addicts. I say disgusting because it's handed out by Doctors like it's candy. Not to mention that it's just as addicting as the drug its trying to replace. Eddie had been using opiates for 10+ years before FINALLY becoming 34 days sober!! This was the longest he had gone consecutively without Heroin in that many years. I couldn't begin to ever explain just how proud I was of him!! And to see how proud he was of himself was worth the world wrapped in Gold! He was such a different guy, confident, proud, determined, and all around just happier. 

During the first week to week and a half of the detoxing from Heroin was not at all what I anticipated. I have heard stories of how sick the user would get and how painful it was, But I didn't truly understand until Eddie picked a day and said no more! Enough is enough. He told me that to get through the detox a little easier he would have to set up an appt with a place that specifically focused on opioid addiction and the medication that he would need to keep on the path of sobriety. I told him to suck it up and just push through the first couple weeks and that I would be there to help him with whatever he needed. Sounds pretty mean of me right? Well keep in mind that I to am an addict. But on the complete other spectrum of the "Drug Of Choice". He was into downers as I I am heavy on the uppers. To be Specific "Meth". 

So here was my sweet Eddie trying to explain to me how he needed to go to a Suboxone Clinic to see a doctor that would set him up with a prescription for Subs and that he would have to do regular weekly to bi weekly appts and UA's in order to keep his script coming. So that's what he did. So jumping forward to May 8, 2020 after Eddie was done at his appt, his doctor okayed his prescription to be filled for Saturday May 9th and sent him on his way. So on May 9, 2020 Eddie road his bike t0 7-Elevin to grab a pack of cigarettes after he picked up his meds that were electronically sent early that Saturday morning to our local Walgreen's. As he was walking into the gas station to get smokes the man behind the counter yelled to him that he was not allowed to bring his backpack into the store with him. Eddie told the man that he was just getting cigarettes so he would be walking right to the counter then he would be done. The man yelled "NO!! backpacks stay outside!" So quickly Eddie puts his backpack under his bike and ran in super fast. He was probably in there all of 75 seconds.... And came outside to his bike and backpack gone. 

His newly filled medication were in his backpack!! This all took place right as the Covid 19 scare hit and bussinesses were shorting their hours significantly if not closing their doors until told that things were safe again. The specific Suboxone clinic that Eddie was treated at was normally open 7 days a week. But due to Covid they had cut their hours down as well as completely closed Saturdays and Sundays. They gave all the patients a number for a phone nurse but she was only one women having to deal with the demands of an entire clinic so obviously getting a call back meant days later. So with that being said, Eddie had just barely enough of his previous meds left to get through Saturday/Saturday night. So at some point knowing that he would be out of luck for Sunday May 10, 2020 "Mothers Day", he must have bought a little bit of Heroin to get him through Mothers day without being sick in bed.

Eddie and I were saving up for a place of our own so we had been living with my parents in order to save. Eddie was set to start with a new plumbing company That Monday May 11th. He was a master plumber and loved his profession!! So the morning of Sunday May 10th "Mothers Day" I was sitting in the living room with my 3 babies reading the cards they got me and opening my gifts. Eddie told me he was going to go use the bathroom really fast and kissed me on my forehead and told me he loved me and Happy Mothers day. He smiled at me and proceeded to the bathroom. I would say about 15 minutes later my mom knocked on the bathroom floor only to get no response. So she opened the door to find Eddie on the bathroom floor completely unconscious. She screamed for me to come in there and when I saw him I lost it. I tried and tried to pick him up but dead weight with a grown man is extremely heavy! I tried slapping him and that didn't work so as my dad and I both pulled Eddie out into the hallway my mom was already on the phone with 911.

My mom stayed on the phone with them as she preformed CPR on him. I was absolutely in shock and devastated. I didn't want my kids to bare witness to his lifeless body laying on the floor so before they came in from playing out back I ran out side and called them over in hysterics and held them all tight and said that Eddie wasn't responding and that paramedics were on the way to try to fix him. They were all crying and wanted to go inside but I wouldn't let them. When paramedics got to the house they gave Eddie A Narcan shot which is something you would give to someone that overdosed on heroin. When they did that he started breathing on his own again so they quickly took him to the nearest hospital. I went to the hospital directly after they left and I sat in emergency with him for a couple hours while the staff had me really thinking he was going to pull out of this. But what they failed to tell me was that he was unconscious for a significate amount of time and that his chances of brain damage would probably be pretty significant. 

So the early hours Of May 12, 2020 they were able to preform a brain function test. The results.... Eddie was brain dead.... I knew in my heart that the results were going to be just that, but I wasn't prepared for it at all. Eddie was an organ donor so he was kept on life support to keep his organs working until the day of surgery. I went to say my final goodbyes and I walked into the room and I said "Hi Handsome Guy" and tears just poured from his eye down his cheek. I was beyond devastated and feeling pains I never ever thought I would ever feel. I survived a fire in 2019 that left me in the ICU for over a month getting skin graph surgery and everything.... But Nothing and I mean NOTHING could compare to the absolute most painful feeling that was now calling my body home!! I wanted to lay next to him and never leave his side. But the time came that I had to leave because of Covid. So I kissed him and I let go of his hand knowing that would be the last time I would see the love of my life, my whole entire soul, my absolute everything in the flesh ever again. 

I got the call that once Eddie was out of his donor surgery he ended up saving 3 different peoples lives that day. That brought me a little peace knowing that. He was my person!! The "The ONE" God made just for me. I knew it the day we met. Nothing was ever going to come between us and we would be hand and hand until the very end. He was my medication for all my mental health issues. He is the only person in my entire life that had made me comfortable to be in my own skin. Something pills hadn't helped me feel ever since I was 14 years old. He was my push and my rock when it came to being sober and staying sober. So of course after his passing May 14,2020 I lost all sign of hope and happiness. I lost all since of, well everything! I started using Meth again to numb myself from the pain. And now I'm desperately fighting this addiction again and working hard at sobriety. But with the year anniversary of his passing coming up, I'm worried. I miss him with every ounce of everything in me. The things that he did that drove me nuts I would die to have back if even for a day. His laugh, his humor, his love for the same music, and how he played drums and guitar like my oldest son, but mostly I miss the sheer amount of evident Love he had for me and my kids. I have been dealing with his death the best I can. But Grieving has proven to be a struggle in it's own. I think I'm finally past the anger part of it. but what is next? I mean, can it get any worse than it has been? I love him so much and I needed him. He promised to always be by my side........ I feel incomplete and soulless, just completely empty and always alone. I'm sorry for the novel but I needed to get that out.   

[Gail 8588]

Jess,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  It is so unfair.

You have so much responsibility riding on your shoulders.  Just raising 3 kids during Covid has been extremely stressful for most families, but dealing with the tragic death of your love and then dealing with your addition issues. It is too much for anyone. 

It sounds like you may have some support from your parents. I hope so. 

It's so good that you are fighting to reclaim your sobriety.  For you, your kids and your parents, keep fighting for it.  

We, those of us here on this forum, know how painful it is to lose the love of your life. (Our lives have been shattered too.)  But numbing your brain with drugs doesn't really make the pain go away.  Finding a way to go on living, honoring Eddie for how much he loved you, making him proud, being there for your sweet kids. That is how you will get through this terrible loss. 

On this forum, we each have our unique story of finding and then losing the love of our life. Even though our circumstances are very different, it is amazing to me how the pain of our grief has so many common elements. So many of us speak of how lost, alone, guilty, frightened and angry we are at times.  How grief washes over us in waves. The pain in our chest, difficulty breathing, floods of tears.  

But we also share glimmers of hope, progress.  Often just reading that others have experienced what we are dealing with is some comfort. Knowing we are not alone. That we are not losing our mind. 

I hope you will find some comfort here.  We will listen and support you as best we can. 

Hugs, 

Gail

[KayC]

I am so sorry for you and your kids' tremendous loss and the way in which everything transpired.  You have so much on your plate with your own struggles and to have this on top of it all, I hope you will focus on today, just get through today, and tomorrow get up and do it all over again, you have to, for your kids as well as yourself.  It's the hardest thing I've ever been through, but I'm still here doing this nearly 16 years later...and I hadn't thought I could survive a week!  

I hope you continue to reach out here, it helps to express yourself to those who "get it."  And we do.  The names/details vary but the struggle the same, it's learning to deal with and adjust to the changes it means for our lives.  I'm glad you have your parents there.  It will be important to get in to a grief counselor, not only for yourself, but for your kids too.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[LibWendy]

Jess,

My heart breaks for you and your family. My husband went without oxygen for an extended period of time, too. We had the neurological exam and the news that what made him him no longer existed. We made the decision to have hospice remove all life-sustaining interventions. And oddly, as he was nearing the end, a single tear rolled down his cheek. I have never known such anguish and I am sorry that you have known it too.

You are dealing with so much. Lean on the people around you who can help. Lean on the people on this forum. I've only been on a few days and I have found only compassion and kindness here. 

Hugs,

Wendy