Reached a new low

[LMR]

I'm having such a bad time right now, worse than ever. I cry so much. 
His presence, the memory of him is so strong I just can't understand how he can be gone. It's not that I feel him around me, I don't, it's actually more like these places, this home cannot exist without him. It seems like an aberration.
I know at 7 months I have reached that time when many of us crash. The new low point. I have been this way for at least a month now. Nothing seems to help. He held my heart and he's taken it with him. I have nothing left.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry LMR. I wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom that could help (or at least maybe a bottle of wine to share). Is there someone you could visit, a family member or friend, maybe, just to get out of there for awhile? 

My thoughts and prayers are with you. 

PS: I am on the old chat site I spun up here and will be for awhile if you want to ramble: http://us21.chatzy.com/67089951153960

 

[Gail 8588]

LMR, 

There is no 2 ways about it, surviving the death of your soulmate is a miserable thing. 

We had happiness. We had that comfortable security of knowing that together we'd be okay. We had a future together.  Now it's all gone.  We can't fix it.  No matter how hard we try, how much we want to, no matter how much we beg. 

As you get over the early disbelief, confusion and pain, it begins to set in that you will never get back to that happiness you had known together, and it is devastating. 

Now comes the hard work of trying to redefine happiness.  I think this is where it helps to try to see something positive and take note of it. No matter what the small joy is, a refreshing breeze when you need one, finding a lost shoe that has been missing, a flower in your yard, even if it is s dandelion. See these small joys and acknowledge them. I think it helps to rewire your brain to see the value in what is here, rather than what is missing. 

I know it is so hard.  It's like we are living in a black hole that just sucks all the light out of the world. It's hard to see anything positive.  I know I didn't for 3 years.  Even things I knew intellectually should bring me joy, like the birth of my grandchild, felt distant and vague. 

All I can say is try to look for small joys.  It gets easier with time.  Eventually you will find that you are more connected to the world and that there really is good in it. 

My brain also  had to take time to process all my fear.  When my husband died, it was really the first time I lived alone in my whole life. I felt terribly vulnerable. I never checked a furnace, how would I know if it was malfunctioning? I could be a victim of crime, or of some sudden illness or injury, etc.  

But as I lived through hurricanes and tornadoes, falls and minor illnesses, and now a pandemic, my fears subsided. But for the first few years I did live in a heightened state of anxiety from all my fears.  It was exhausting. At some point you do have to let go of all that fear and say it's in Gods hands.

Also give yourself credit for all the things you do accomplish. No one else is going to give you a 'gold star' but you can award one to yourself when you complete a job. Any job.  Getting anything done is something to celebrate.

I know all this sounds crazy and impossible because you are falling in that dark abyss of grief right now.   But these are the little hand holds that helped me to climb out of my grief and find my life again.

I hope they can help you.  

Hugs,

Gail

[DMB]

I  crashed around 9 months.  I felt just horrible.  I ended up calling the Doc and I am taking an anti-depressant which has restored my function.  I can still cry of course, but I absolutely could not handle the constant pressure in my head, not sleeping, ear ringing.  My body was stressed and it was affecting my overall health.  I'm grateful for medication.

Just an option I'm throwing out there to you.  Take care.  

[KayC]

My doctor offered sleep Rx when George died, I wish I'd taken him up on it, especially when I had to go to commuting 100 miles/day.  But stubborn me, it took me years to realize for myself I NEEDED the help, I got on Buspirone for anxiety and 50 mg Trazodone for sleep.  I haven't regretted it.  If I have to deal with this life, I need my sleep!

Widower, you are so sweet to offer to be there, and Gail, your post is so thoughtful and good advice.

Nothing more to add to what was posted but know that we hear you, we understand, and we care.  Sending you hugs!

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, LMR said:

He held my heart and he's taken it with him.

That is perfectly stated. 

This is a very difficult time of grief for most of us, which really doesn't help you right now.  I got through months 6-8 (approximately) by reverting to "one day, one hour" at a time and becoming more of a hermit for a while so that I could, well, not wallow exactly, but not have to consider anyone else's feelings or grief.  Slowly over 3-4 weeks, I started to work my way out of the dark pit again and begin the process of learning to carry my grief, love, and memories forward.

Dang, this grieving thing is not for sissies (as they say).  I think you may find a strength you didn't know you possessed as you make your way right now.  Please know that we are here to help light your way when we can.