Lost of my fiancé

[Serena11]

I’ve been through a lot my entire life. Abuse (physically and mentally), neglect, assault, defame, slander, used and so on....  
I lost my fiancé 03/18/21. I was the one that found him in our home. I’ve never dealt with death before and have never been to a funeral. That honestly was one of the toughest days of my life. I’ve been feeling lost, guilty for even being able to wake up and eat without him, I feel empty and alone without him. We have yet to know his cause of death and I’m honestly so scare to know. He  struggled with addiction and was using for over 11 years... 
He relapsed 1 1/2 years ago because of my toxic twin sister who did everything she could to destroy our life. I was extremely suicidal because of my twin sister and how she defamed us was what made us lost hope. 

My entire life I was told by my family and ex’s that I’ll always be alone and will never be happy. 
I finally found love and even though things were always hard I never gave up on him. I knew he was struggling...I did everything I could to remind him how loved he was. I miss him. I don’t know if I will ever be happy again to be honest. 
I live with complex ptsd, gad, depression, insecurity, social anxiety and so much more. 
I literally have no blood family except for my cousin. 
All my other family members is still to this day is doing everything they can to sabotage my life and make it unlivable. 
I was stolen from and framed for being something I’m not.
I can’t find a home/rent. Can’t get a car with zero credit or even was taught how to drive. I was very sheltered and wasn’t allowed to do things that would help me advance in life. Now I’ll be turning 30 this December, but feel like a 15 year old still learning how to do things I should’ve been taught. 
I feel alone. So alone in this world.

He was the only person that made me feel loved and alive. Despite his struggle throughout our relationship, he had a lot of love to give. I can’t sleep because of night terrors from my past abuse and how I found him recently. It was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen. I know my twin sister probably found out of my fiancé passing and is most definitely laughing because she wanted me to be alone. She married an extremely narcissistic man and they both destroyed my life. I want to give up so bad...
My sister was the one that stole all my life savings, defamed me, stalked me, lied and won a protective order because I couldn’t drive to court, reached out to my rapist and claimed I lied about it even though I was traumatized for years. Then posted my nudes online but still got away with it. There’s so much more to what she did. I hate my life so much. I want to move away but I can’t even do that. I miss my fiancé so much... I feel so alone. 

I still sit here in denial everyday. So so angry at God for making my life literal hell on earth for the last 29 years of my life. I still text him hoping for a response. I talk to him like he’s still here. I can’t sleep and being awake feels like a dreams. All my emotions comes in waves, one minute I’m crying in agonizing pain. The next I’m numbs and in disbelief, I’d be lying if I say I haven’t had dark thoughts of joining him. What’s the point of even living anymore... Most of my family already hates me, I’m single again and have no one. I’m currently living with my fiancé parents and they’re so amazing. But truth be told, deep down being with them hurts so much because they ARE a part of him. Knowing I’ll never see him again but living with his parents is absolutely painful. I have no other home to go to, I have my cousin but I can’t even be around couples anymore because it makes me so angry knowing that I had that. We were suppose to get married this September. I can’t even rent an apartment without help and is it so bad to get help you say? No, it isn’t, but I feel useless if you know what I mean. I can’t work because I can not drive, and even if I do go back I’m not ready for all the questioning of my disappearance for the last few week. I’m not ready to face the world but I can’t sit at home not making any income. We have two little dogs and I have to take care of them. I can always ask his parents for a ride, but I feel like a burden and I know they would tell me not to feel that way and that they love me, but how can I not? What is this? Why is my life like this? Why have it always been like this? 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your tremendous loss, and everything else you've been through.  I have also been subject to abuse, physically, emotionally, verbally and escaped it a stronger person in the end, but the first half of my life was filled with it.  I also was raped.  It's amazing how many have been, it's something most do not feel comfortable talking about so we'd never realize.  Unfortunately my daughter was also raped when she was 4 by a babysitter's BF's "friend" that she was NOT supposed to have over, it was her last time to sit for us.  She was a next door neighbor we'd trusted.   

You hate your life but I hope you won't judge the whole of it by what you've encountered thus far.  You can still have a good future, although it's nigh impossible for you to fathom that right now, you are so fresh in your grief and have so many issues to deal with from before that.  I hope you will go to a women's center and get help getting on your feet, counseling, etc.  We have a Women's Space here, you might look for one where you are at.  DO reach out for help.  It sounds like you need a break from family, if they are not supportive and they are sabotaging, I'd do what is best for myself even if it means forgoing them.  Not all familial relationships are or can be healthy.  I am sorry you have had so much to deal with in your life, this could have been written by me when I was young but for some reason I came through it knowing how to take care of myself and having healthy self-esteem, which I deem a miracle.  I think I knew at age 13 I'd better take every business course I could get my hands on so I could take care of myself because no one else would, not parents, not husbands, etc.  I did finally get a good husband and we were so happy together, but then he died.  Guess I shouldn't play the lottery! 

I wrote this brief article of things I'd found helpful in the first ten years following my loss, I realize not everything will be applicable to you right now, but look for anything you can take away from it and hang on to the list as our journey evolves as we begin to adjust to the changes it means for us.    You've made a great start by coming here and posting your story, as it helps to express ourselves in a safe place.  This is that.

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Gail 8588]

Serena11,

My heart breaks for you. I am so very sorry for your loss.  

I think Kay is a remarkable person, she has been through so much too.  I hope you can hear her words and take strength from them. 

I agree with her that you should look elsewhere for support, not your family. A Women's  Center of some sort is a good place to start.  Possibly in a city some distance from your family.  Perhaps your fiance's family can help get you there and then you can keep in touch with them, letting them know of your progress. 

I am so very sorry your love has died. It is so unfair.  Somehow you will have to make this into a new beginning.  

Come here to vent or cry.  Sadly we know how much this hurts, as our lives have also been shattered by the death of our true love. 

You are not alone. We care about you too. 

Gail

[Camile]

You can text or call me me at 813-822-9753. I think you’ll find that we have some things in common and maybe I can be a shoulder.

[KayC]

You might want to message that info rather than put it out for the world to see, just a thought.  This site gets thousands of people.

BTW, since you're new here, I want to welcome you!  You're 7 1/2 months out, which is one of the hardest times to go through so I hope you'll continue to read/post here..  It was a place such as this that literally saved me when I went through it nearly 16 years ago.  
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.