My big boy is gone

[Valesol7]

My 3 year old fur baby was hit by a car less than a week ago and we had to put him down. My mother am I had just arrived from running errands. There was a truck parked on our driveway so I pulled to the side and dropped my mom off. For some unknown reason I looked back noticed y dog was laying on the floor and she was struggling to pic him up. I thought he just didn’t want to get up but then I decided to turn back around. He had been hit and was bleeding. I rushed him to the hospital. Called all the near ones around me but they wouldn’t take him so I finally found a 24 hr emergency hospital. I waited around and then I got the call from the doctor who told he he would need surgery from a specialist he quoted me 10,000-15,000 plus all the extra care. I was willing to pay anything. Then he called back and said he would need another surgery which would be more. Thankfully my bf and I have been saving for a down payment for a house in the future. I was willing to give anything up for him. Unfortunately, he told us he didn’t recommend it because nothing would guarantee that he would be okay. He was way too hurt. We had to make the decision of putting him down. I’ve been feeling horrible, guilty, sad and angry. I’m so mad at myself I keep going back and thinking of all the different things that I could’ve done to avoid this. Maybe if I would’ve been home a couple minutes earlier, maybe if I wouldn’t of pulled to the side, maybe if I would of left. I promised him he was going to be okay and I let him down. He was so crazy, full of life, he loved being cradled like a baby, he was a sweet boy. A big baby. I can’t help but think that he deserves so much more. He was in pain. I keep wondering who opened the door (maybe my grandmother who is at an old stage and doesn’t really understand things, forgets etc,) maybe my dad when he came back home and maybe he didn’t see him sneer out, I don’t know) but every time I keep going back to the same question “why didn’t I just stay home”. I didn’t lose my dog I lost my baby, my crazy big boy. So fluffy, so cuddly so wild. I lost him and he deserved so much more. I’m in so much pain. I wish I could tell him I’m sorry and ask if he wanted us to keep going with the surgery or end his pain. I’m not sure I made the right decision. I keep asking myself why I didn’t get another diagnosis from another doctor. I feel lost. I don’t want to get up from bed, I’m in pain, everything do, around me reminds me of him. But everyone around me keeps telling me that he is in a better place no more pain. And that I need to move on. I don’t want to move on at least not right now. I hate that I’ve been feeling like I have to shut my feelings for everyone else to not remember him and feel the pain. I miss him terrribly. I have two other babies (fur babies) and they keep telling me that I need to look after them now. And although I know I do, I’m just not okay right now. I don’t understand why I have to shut my feelings and my pain. I want to be left alone but everyone come knocking at my door telling me I need to get up and move on, telling me that life continues and that they/we have things to do other than being sad. I know they mean no harm but it’s making me feel guilty that I’m causing so much trouble in their lives. I know I’ll be okay eventually but I lost part of my family, part of my heart. I feel so lost so broken and empty. 

[AJWCat]

I am so so sorry for your tragic loss. Of course you are devastated and sad.  You must allow yourself to grieve, even if you have to do so in private.

The people around you mean to help you, but they do not understand. I know how broken and empty you feel. (In fact, the people who come to this forum all know how you feel!) It took me a while to recover. I would cry in the shower sometimes just so that I didn't disturb my husband because I was breaking down all the time.

You don't "move on" you simply learn to live with the pain and eventually it does get better. I feel like my heart broken in half and now it's back together but still has a crack. I don't know if that makes sense. You won't be in agony forever, but you will never forget even though you will reach some peace in time. I promise. 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  Those words don't begin to describe the depth of pain felt with hearing this...my puppy was recently attacked by a big dog that a neighbor thoughtlessly just let out of his car.  All of this went through my mind in the quick moments the dog was shaking my baby in his jaws, over and over and over again, for what seemed like an eternity but was probably only moments!  I punched the dog in the nose and he released him from his clasp long enough to get him away and I threw my body over him to protect him and screamed for help.  It felt like the owner took forever getting there and getting his dog away!  I was lucky this time.  You were not.  It could have been anyone this happened to but it was you, so unfair, so undeserved, and I am so so sorry.  

Guilt seems to accompany grief, the finality hits us so hard, we wish anything for another moment with them.  I lost my Arlie to cancer 1 1/2 years ago, I wouldn't want him to suffer any more than he already did, yet it was so hard to lose him and have to adjust to that loss.  And your baby, so young.  It won't always be so intense, this pain, we gradually adjust to the changes it means for our lives, but always we continue to love and miss them, nothing lessens that. 

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[Valesol7]

Thank you all so much. The pain is unbearable. We buried him yesterday at a pet cemetery and I got the chance to say one last goodbye and touch his beautiful little face. For a short period of time I felt better but then I woke up feeling cold and heartbroken all over again. I try to run some errands and buy some new beds for my other pups but every time my mind kept going back to him. I thought about how much he would love summer, I thought about how he would of loved going to the park and what not. Every now and then he would jump in bed with us and push his back against ours, he made me feel loved and safe. When we would eat he would run under the table or squeeze himself on our lap he would then sit on the table and put he’s little paw on the table almost like if he was telling us he wanted his plate.  He was also a heavy sleeper! We could move him around and he would not wake up. On Christmas he fell asleep with half his body on the couch and the other half inside our Christmas tree. He was perfect. I miss him so much... 

 

[Anna J]

I am so so sorry for your loss.It is sad and it hurts to lose a fur baby.They are never with us long enough.When they go unexpectedly and we don't have time to say our goodbyes it hurts even more.Your baby had a short life but he was loved and he knew it.In his time here he had what many animals can only hope for and dream about.He had you,a place to call home,warm bed and plenty of food and snacks.He had a family and had heaps of LOVE.He was happy.Please don't blame yourself for whatever happened.I have been there,I have done that and this feeling of guilt must pass away.It doesn't help and your boy wouldn't like to see you in a bad state.It is going to be a long and difficult journey but things will eventually get better.I am still on the road to consolation and it is a long way ... I lost my baby in January...I am still raw and cry quite a lot,even now while writing my short message of solidarity with you.Stay strong,cry when you need and know that all over the world there are people who understand your pain.One day we will see our babies again.Love and blessings.Anna.

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, nothing harder than knowing we won't be able to see their sweet face again, for a long, long time.  It feels unbearable.  I hold onto the hope of being with my Arlie again and hope you also do with your yours.  Know that we understand and send caring thoughts your way for some peace and comfort...

[Sherian]

Valesol17: I am so deeply sorry for your lose, it is so hard to bear I know that for sure. I lost my Payton on March 13 at 1130am and to this day I am still in deep pain and crying all the time. My friends just do not get me and why I am this way now, time to move on they say so I now have shut them out of my life period.    I just am a loss here and every where on what or how to deal with this pain of losing Payton, he was the love of my life 24/7 for 7 1/2 years ....all the decisions and choices I made were based on his care and how he was doing here....My entire life was Payton and I have NO regrets about that at all.   I wish I could give you a hug or tell you how to lessen the pain yet  I can't do that for myself right now. So I make the motions of taking care of me now because I have to ......yet tears just keep falling.   One thing I am doing is looking for another furbaby so love, I have lots of love and a great home for another furbaby so maybe that is the way to go now.   Just put one foot in front of the other slowly and make it work a little at a time is all I can do right now, so try that and see how it works, no more guilt as you did the very best you could and that is so much more than what many other people do for their pets. 

[KayC]

@Sherian  I wish you well in your search, I had about given up on the idea when my son brought me a little puppy, Kodie, he doesn't replace Arlie at all, but sure created a place in my heart, I don't know what I'd do without him!