Six months and I feel I am reverting back to the beginning.

[Katie Koz]

Hi, 

I am new to this site. I was with my husband for almost 8 years. He was 34 years old and i am 31. We got married last September (2020). He passed away suddenly on our two week wedding anniversary from an aortic direction. the day after his surgery he suffered a stroke and 75% of his brain was affected and he would never come back from it. I had to make the call on pulling the plug. It took me months to get over that. I have an amazing support system and I am in therapy. He was my best friend and soul mate. It has been so hard without him in my every day life. Not a day goes by that I do not think about him. His birthday is coming up this week and I have been extremely anxious and crying a lot. I don't know if anyone has any suggestions on how they handle things like this. Thank you!!

[Diane R. E.]

Hi Katie; I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm coming up to the 6 month mark of my husband's passing and have similar feelings. For your husband's birthday, do what feels right for you. You could go to his favorite restaurant with friends who understand you may break down, As for me, I spent my husband's birthday alone. I let myself think about him and all the memories, cried as much as I needed to, and made his favorite meal and cake. (I couldn't eat much of it though.) Others on this forum will give much guidance and support. Take care of yourself by meeting your physical needs, and consider medications if needed. Many hugs to you.

[Katie Koz]

Hi Diane! Thanks for the response! I am sorry for your loss as well! I am going to a friend's house and she is making his favorite cake and we are going to hang with her kids to keep my mind busy. Sometimes I do like just being alone but I know I will just cry all day so it is hard to do that all of the time. I am on some medication but I feel that if I am still feeling this sad months down the line, I may need to change them up! Hugs to you as well!!

[foreverhis]

Hi Katie Koz, and Diane R. E. too.  I know this won't really help right now, except to let you know you are far from alone in having a huge setback between 5 and 7 months, generally it seems 6 months is a tipping point that throws us and undoes any little steps forward we've taken.  The reasons for it aren't 100% known, but we speculate a lot and often come to similar conclusions.

In fact, it's so typical that it's been the subject of a couple of threads recently:

Worse at 6 months

Crashing at about 6 months

I wish I had some magic words that would help ease you through this time, but there aren't any.  All I can tell you is my experience that at about 6 months I felt as if I had been suddenly shoved backward and had to start over in my grieving for a while by just breathing, getting out of bed, and putting one foot in front of the other until I was able to start taking small steps forward again as I learned how to carry both my grief and my love forward on this painful journey.  The burden, the crushing weight of it has eased over time, but I know I will miss and grieve for my John every minute of every day for the rest of my life.  The difference is that now, as I approach 3 years, I can also see and grasp times of light and hope, and even a little happiness.  Not the same happiness, of course not, but a kind of gentle happiness that I feel a little more often as I go along.

((HUGS)) to both of you.

[CNCBoogie]

I just crossed my 7th month mark and in a few days it will be a year since her father passed.. It seems like they were just here and I can't believe it's already been this long without them.

[Sparky1]

I just passed the 5 month mark of my wife's passing and it does seem like the anguish is coming back. I guess the reality is starting to sink in. Maybe the first months the brain doesn't comprehend what has occured and somehow we are hoping that our loved one will come back. I know that in my case, I'm just as lost as I was in the beginning. The longing for my wife will never go away.

[widower2]

Katie, I'm so sorry. Even after my loss, I can't imagine what you're going through. I think regressing around 6 months give or take is at least partly because in the first few months, there's this flurry of activity with funerals, wills, people checking in, etc...but gradually that all is over and people start to get more and more back to their regular lives, forgetting (though unintentionally or subconsciously) that your "regular life" is still just as gone. Another reason might be that in the beginning, I think there's this part of us that doesn't really believe this is all real and we'll wake up soon. But the more time goes on, more that delusion fades and reality sinks in. 

This is a gradual but uneven journey, with fits and starts of various degrees. There will be times like this that you regress, but there will be progress too, believe it or not, and times you will feel surprisingly normal. Naturally special days like birthdays etc can be harder, but fortunately they are just once a year! Hold on. You can survive this.

[Katie Koz]

Sparky1, I think you are right. In the beginning it felt like I was numb and he would be back. Now that 6 months has passed I realize he is not coming back and I really do have to do this life alone for now. I think I am starting to hit a bunch of "firsts" without him so that brings the pain back as well. I never realized how much him and I relied on each other in our daily lives until he was actually gone. I also feel that I have a longing for my husband that will never go away. I am happy I found this page to know that others are feeling the same as I am and I am not completely losing my mind.

 

Widower2, this loss has been like nothing I have ever experienced before. It is such a crazy journey I've been through and every day, minute, and hour is different. It does feel like everyone else's lives are moving on while I am sitting here in a nightmare. I have definitely felt like I've had good days but then there are others that are completely horrible and I feel like I am back at step one. Thanks for the response!

[KayC]

@Katie Koz  I am so sorry for your loss!  I'm sure it's been a huge shock to lose your husband so young, just as your lives were beginning together!  We met in our mid-40s and my George passed suddenly/unexpectedly just after his 51st birthday, our friends were in their 40s and none had a clue what I went through, they all disappeared immediately, leaving me to not only lose my husband but also our friends.  Somehow I've survived nearly 16 years since, I don't know how except doing it one day at a time.  I've learned a tremendous amount on this journey, it's been rich with learning, yet I would trade it all in a heart beat to have five minutes back with him!  

What foreverhis posted about the six month mark (give or take a couple of months) is so true, reality sets in, people go back to their lives, it's been longer since we've seen them and it hits us big time that this is our life now!  Anything you can do to help you through this, take care of yourself, remember to eat something healthy & drink some water, try to get some sleep even if you need help from a doctor for it, take walks, nature helps me, remind yourself of the positive things you love/d about each other, those things didn't die with the person, our love continues still.

Above all, know you are not crazy, we've all experienced this. 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Nancy B]

I feel the same way after six months. I force myself to eat and I’m still finding it difficult to cook for myself. My daughter has kindly filled my fridge with foods Bob and I wouldn’t have eaten but I do now. I’m grateful to her but I want to cook healthy meals. I find if I cook around noon and warm it up later that’s better because I get so sad at supper time I can’t find the energy to cook. And now that spring is here I have no interest in gardening and take no delight in daffodils and tulips coming up. Today we have an April Fools snowstorm. The sight of the lacy white branches of leafless trees covered with snow outside my bedroom window make me feel better today. I can lie in bed and read, cry, hide today. 

[Katie Koz]

Nancy B,

I felt the same way about cooking. It took me so long to get in the kitchen and cook myself a meal because I constantly kept breaking down and crying. Once the meal was finally cooked I couldn’t get myself to eat it. I am struggling with the fact that the weather is getting nicer as well. We would grill together and garden. None is this seems to interest me now. It’s going to be hard to get past these obstacles! 

[Nancy B]

Katie, I know. We were going to buy a new grill. I’m glad we didn’t because like you I can’t imagine cooking outside. We’d eat on our porch and watch the traffic and dog walkers in summer. We live on a busy street. I mean I, still there is a “we” that will live forever in my heart and soul.  We’d bring our books out and read together. It is so difficult. Like you, I’m regressing.  But I know grief is never linear, we go back and forth. I just feel numb, even around my daughters and grandchildren. My heart is shut tightly closed. Six months in, no spring in my heart. 

[Katie Koz]

Nancy,

No one will understand the feelings we are going through. Today is my husband’s birthday and this week leading up to it has been a nightmare. I am trying to tell myself to do things because I know that is what he would want me to do. I live in Michigan so we get a ton of snow and it was struggling with the fact that I was going to have to shovel myself now. My husband always wanted a snow blower so I bought one after he passed. It felt good to do so even though the first time I used it I ended up in tears. I know these times will get less and less over the years but right now it doesn’t feel like that!

[Nancy B]

I admire you for taking that on!  Bob loved to snowblow. We had a lot of snow this winter and my daughter and her partner couldn’t use it in our 42 “ December storm. My husband would have loved that storm. He used to clear the neighbors’ sidewalks. This year they didn’t even bother to shovel and left an icy mess on their walks so I had to walk around the block a different way. So I was extremely angry at them, and so sad because he didn’t live to experience the “storm of the century” here. If only ....

[DMB]

Katy so sorry for your loss.  I too regressed at about 9 months, just past 10 now.  Had to ask for help (meds).  Functioning much better and worrying that I'll screw something up to a lesser degree than before.

Loved reading everyone's weather stories too.  Two months after my husband passed we had a tropical storm go through.  Son hooked me up to the portable generator after losing power but I had to keep it running.  Gas the darn thing every 3 - 4 hrs.  and re-start it.  Did this for 3 days!  I also did not appreciate cleaning snow and ice off the car this winter either.  It made me cry.  Yuck

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Katie Koz said:

Today is my husband’s birthday

That's hard, at least I didn't have to face that for almost a year, he died five days after his.  But it's still tough all these years later.  It has helped me to try and honor him on his birthday.  As for the food, it was very hard to cook one of George's favorite dishes, let alone eat it.  Being as he loved to eat, that included almost everything.

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