What happened to my life?

[Shreya97]

Its been almost 4 years that I've lost my mother now. This void she has created is still with me. People told me this void will be filled by passing time, you will move on, and yeah I did move on partially. I've got a nice job, life is going good right now, just that why is it so hard sometimes? Why is it sometimes? Am I being unfair to her by not grieving over her more? Am I cheating on her by being happy? Its like I have forgotten the touch of her, her hug where I used to feel safe, her presence that made me feel like home. Why have I forgotten that, she was the most important person in my life. People say be happy, she's watching, If she sees you sad, she'll be sad. Is this even remotely true? I dont know how she's doing, where she is, is she even watching me or not but is it fair to her that I'm actually being happy? My father got remarried after 2 years of her death, our family's lives changed after this new person entered our family. I was 21 when I decided that its good for him to get married, at least cherish the ones that are with you and make them happy.But things haven't been better, he stopped caring about mom's parents, he took some decisions that suggests he's so much more inclined towards her that us. Mostly I dont care about all this until he is happy, but it matters when I see my grand parents sad. They've already lost their only daughter and now this? Would mom ever have let this happen to them? No. How will she be feeling if she's seeing all this? 

My question is: When she left, it took me alot of time to get stable, to start being actually happy, although that void has'nt been filled and I dont think its ever gonna get filled, but is it okay that I'm partially over her now? There was a time when I used to get her dreams everyday, everyday I used to wake up and cry, I wished I never see her dreams, now that I get her dreams seldomly, I want more, cause you know, in my dreams she's still there. Not speaking anything, just standing and looking at me, but she's there. I just want her feels, why does this have to be so hard? Why does my heart have to be so heavy? 

[reader]

Dear Shreya,

I hear where you're coming from. Losing a parent is one of life's hardest and most painful moments. The first year after my dad passed, I was extremely raw and tearful. It is natural for the intensity of our grief to lessen over time. The first year, I visited his gravesite a few times a week and now it's only a few times a year. I think the reason our hearts are so heavy is because we continue to mourn for all the things our parents have missed in life. And for ourselves too. I wanted so much for my father to see his grandchildren grow up more. I wanted to be able to talk to him more. Also for him to know me more too.

Please don't be hard on yourself about being happy or feeling like time is going forward. But also know that there will still be times our grief sneaks up on us. So many things still trigger me about my dad. I still look back and think how things could have been different. And how I should have found another way to save him.

It might help to talk to a grief counsellor or join a support group. These websites also helped me understanding my feelings.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

Grief Share

Thinking of you.

[TLN]

Dear Shreya97, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the fear of forgetting the deceased. Strangely, it is a fear of moving on if that moving on means I think about him less often. He was my Father; it will be 3 years this May 2nd; I am just recently beginning to get a grip on my life. When he died, I actually sat down in despair, and the words "This is my life now" dropped from my mouth. But coming up to the 3-year mark; I am seeing that restoration is possible, and I know the return of Joy to my heart would rejoice his heart if he could see it. That honors him. As I just wrote in a separate post; I started a blog here called Baby's Heart as a way to honor his name. Maybe something like that would lift your spirit--honoring my Father in this way is surely doing so for me. Thanks for sharing. TLN.

[Monty]

Hello Shreya,

I too lost my Mum 4 years ago and it is still really difficult at times. My Dad also found a new love after 2 years and like yourself, my siblings and I, all we wanted was for Dad to be happy. This relationship. This new person changed the whole dynamics of our family. It was really hard. What made it worse was that the relationship was not healthy for him. She kept breaking up with him and then not talking to him. I felt my Dad deserved better. It was also hard dealing with this other person when our Dad passed. She was respectful and supportive but it was just another component adding to our grief.

I’m sure your Mum would have still been hugely involved in your grandparents lives. It sounds like that has now been passed onto you. You can honour your Mum by continuing to keep these people in your life. 

I am a Mum and I can tell you that if something ever happened to me I would want my kids to love life and live their best lives. I’m sure your Mum would want the same for you. You are not forgetting her or being unfair. Carry her in your heart as you face new adventures and challenges. She will always be there. ❤️