My dad had heart disease and I didn’t know

[Healing2021]

Hi 

my father passed just last week. He had a heart attack and when we did the autopsy it said he had severe heart disease. I have so many feelings. I’m left to care for my brother whom I’ve always cared for with my father so it’s not much of a change but just not having my dad here sucks. I keep feeling intense guilt. Because of covid, we didn’t get to the doctor as often. But he did see his primary care who didn’t diagnose this or see it happening. I even called his primary care when he got sick and he thought it was covid. I’m undergoing all kinds of lawyer things and feel I can’t even grieve because of the way people don’t do their jobs. The death certificate is wrong. I have to fix that. 
 

the guilt is crushing. I thought he was sick for months leading to this but I knew he had been to his primary care so I tried to worry less. He had been randomly throwing up but we thought it was acid reflux. I feel like I should’ve been less anxious about covid and forced him into a good doctor. I feel like my fears killed him. I try to tel myself that it’s not my fault. His primary care should’ve caught it. 
 

he was quarantining the day he died because we didn’t have covid results yet. He was walking, talking. Just said he felt ill. I’ve been the caregiver to him and my brother my whole life so I put a lot of pressure on myself. Now I’m sitting here wondering what could’ve happened if I got him to a doctor sooner. Did my fears over covid hurt my dad? 

 

I guess I didn’t cause the heart disease. But we did order food and I tried to get him to exercise but he didn’t. I just can’t get rid of the guilt. 

[BEQUET93]

Please accept my condolences, for your loss. Guilt is an expected part of grief. For the year preceding her death, my mother complained of worsening anxiety. She always had anxiety issues and I didn't think much of it. She would ask me if anxiety can make your stomach hurt and I said yes. She would ask me if anxiety can make your back hurt and I thought that could be attributed to her sleeping on the couch. She had no appetite and said that her legs felt weak. She asked me if those could be symptoms of anxiety and I said yes. Finally, I fussed at her and she agreed to see a doctor, which is when she learned she had stage IV pancreatic cancer. I feel guilty for that, even though, during her final weeks, I told her I was sorry for thinking her problem was just anxiety and she said she also thought it was all anxiety. 

The good thing is that my own feelings of guilt are not as strong as they were, in November. As your own loss is so recent, I can only imagine the guilt is acute, but it should get better, with time. If it does not, talking to a therapist or grief counselor could help. I am sure that no one who has been through a similar experience would believe that you did anything wrong, but would recognize that feelings of guilt are part of the grieving process. It is hard, but be patient with yourself. The first weeks and months are an emotional time, but it will become more manageable. I wish you and your family the best.

[reader]

Dear Jasmine,

I am so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences.

I wish I was more eloquent, but I think this article will be more helpful in understanding your feelings.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

Please know, you did everything possible for your dad. It's clear you loved him a lot and only wanted the best for him and to make him happy. None of us can see the future. We only do the best we can in the moment. I know it's very painful now, but I hope with more time you can see that you are an amazing daughter! 

Thinking of you.