Complicated grief

[moonieelf]

I'm not sure where to begin with this. In 2008 I lost my mother, in 2017 I lost my step-father (but he was the only father figure I had in my life), and just last week I found out about the death of my biological father. He was no angel. He was abusive to my mother, myself, and other members of my extended family. But, the news of his loss is something I'm still struggling with. I'm not sure if it is because we never really had a relationship as he'd been out of my life for 36 years, or if because I never got to experience closure from the abuse, or if some part of me just wanted to know the person who was partially responsible for bringing me into this world. Whatever the cause is, I find myself, at times, overwhelmed with the feelings of grief I'm experiencing right now. His final resting place is in another state, but only about a 5-6 hour drive from where I now live with my family. Through his obituary, I found out that his mother is still alive, and there is a piece of me that wants to write to her so I can at least offer her my condolences (because no matter my feelings in the situation, no parent should have to experience the loss of a child), but I wonder if me reaching out now would re-open wounds for her, or if it would help both of us. I feel like I'm rambling here, so I'll close in thanking everyone in advance for having this space so I can let these words out.  

[reader]

Dear moonieelf,

It's very hard to lose a parent no matter what kind of relationship we had with them.  I hear where you are coming from because I think we all long to be able to fix the past. We hoped that maybe one day we would have heart to heart and talk and be able to reconcile what happened. Hope to hear I'm sorry or I love you. And when we lose our parent that hope goes with them. 

I don't think there would be anything wrong writing a condolence card to your grandmother. Everyone needs kind words and support and compassion during a sad and difficult time.

Please know we are with you.