8 month ramblings

[BBB]

8 months and the sad part is that I feel worse, not better. Every person tells me it gets better but so far that's not been the case. I really had no idea the amount of people who suffered from loss like this. It is beyond anything that I could ever imagine. The pain, the sorrow, the emptiness, the feeling of being completely lost without my soulmate has got to be the worst feeling in the world. And what is worse is that it is a daily occurrence. Nothing personal but I surely wish that I was never a part of this group. I cannot imagine anything worse than this.

 

[LMR]

BBB this is exactly how I feel. I am at 7 months and it has definitely not got any better. I commiserate. I wish I could help. Other peoples stories give us hope that it will, eventually change, hang on to that.

I feel so weird right now. I am back to not believing. I feel I have been tricked somehow. I still can't understand how this can be true. It wasn't supposed to happen!

 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, BBB said:

8 months and the sad part is that I feel worse, not better. Every person tells me it gets better but so far that's not been the case. I really had no idea the amount of people who suffered from loss like this. It is beyond anything that I could ever imagine. The pain, the sorrow, the emptiness, the feeling of being completely lost without my soulmate has got to be the worst feeling in the world. And what is worse is that it is a daily occurrence. Nothing personal but I surely wish that I was never a part of this group. I cannot imagine anything worse than this.

 

But what they don't tell you is how long it takes for it to get "better," better meaning not as horrific as day one when we just realized their death, not "better" as in "okay" or ":good."

I've learned it takes what it takes and we're all unique in our timeline.  It seems as reality seeps in it does hit us harder, for a good long while, until we begin to adjust to the changes it means for our lives.  None of us gave our permission for any of this, none of us wished it to happen!  This life alone was never my preference, but it is mine to live with nonetheless.

 

[jmmosley53]

BBB,

I know just what you mean about it not getting better.  It is almost 1 year since my husband died and although I have had moments where I felt a bit of joy, for the most part I am still in the most dark despair.  

I had no idea I could feel so much pain, or that I had so many tears to shed.  We have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and walk through our lives.  I know my beloved would never want me to be suffering like this, but he is hard man to live without.

[Gail 8588]

Each of you are speaking words that were/are true for me too.  It is challenging for me to properly articulate what I mean when I say "I am better".

For 3 years I felt totally lost, immersed in my grief. Unable to see any way for me to live without John.  I did a lot of "faking it" trying to imitate what I should be feeling or expressing. I couldn't keep it up for very long, so I would quickly withdraw from any event or gathering.  I avoided going to anything as much as possible. But as soon as I was out of view of others, my affect was completely flat. I had no real connection to what was happening in the world. This was true for even very joyous things that I knew I should feel happy about, such as the birth of my first grandchild.  

My logical brain knew I should be feeling joy about that.  His birth was a year and 9 months after the death of my husband.  Was I never going to feel joy again? What was wrong with me?  I felt dead inside. I wanted to volunteer for any accidental death or violent death in my neighborhood.  Why should someone who wants to live be taken when I wasn't really living anyway. I did think of taking my life, often.

I want to make clear, I have gotten better than I was for those three years.  I am alive now. No longer a zombie and that is really a huge change for the better. I no longer want to die.  I want to live. I do really feel happy, joyful sometimes. 

At the same time, I do recognize that my worst days with John were fundamentally better than any day since he died.  When he was living, I was certain I had his love and support no matter what difficulties I faced. I could get through anything, we could get through anything, because we had each other.  

I don't have that emotional and tangible safety net any longer.  Life is inarguably harder for me without John. There is more fear and insecurity now.  There are things I don't think I can do without him, and I chafe a bit at these limitations. I miss having him here with me, because everything was better with him in my life. 

But I have gotten to the point where I feel life is good even if it is not as good as it was with him.   

Here is an attempt at an analogy:  I really do love chocolate icecream.  It is by far my favorite treat. I live in a world now that only has popsicles.  No icecream.  I have to get by with an orange popsicle. It will never be as good as my icecream.  But I can make due with this. 

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you or if it helps at all.  But I want you to know I am better.  Life is still good and I can finally see that again. 

Gail

[TLN]

On 3/21/2021 at 1:39 PM, KayC said:

I've learned it takes what it takes and we're all unique in our timeline.  It seems as reality seeps in it does hit us harder, for a good long while, until we begin to adjust to the changes it means for our lives.  None of us gave our permission for any of this, none of us wished it to happen!  This life alone was never my preference, but it is mine to live with nonetheless.

Dear KayC, I agree: I've come to a point in this new reality under Grief that I will draw strength to survive wherever found. Not just survive, but thrive. There is definitely adjustment to life without him; how could there not be when once such a great presence abided with me, one who was larger than life, and now nothing. It seems even God is gone; yet I cannot help but think he knows what he is doing. I must keep hoping--and, yes, keep going. And you are right: I certainly did not give my permission for any of this...but this is my life now, and I will deal with it. Thanks for the post. TLN.

[LMR]

@Gail 8588  It does make so much sense to me. I have cried every day for the last seven months, sometimes all day,  but there are moments. Moments that I actually enjoy, getting a coffee with a friend, maybe talking about my husband. Retelling stories. I'm not happy, I don't even feel fully present but I do enjoy those occasions.Yes, often I too am faking it but the loneliness is sometimes so overwhelming that anything different is welcomed. Always I will cry afterwards because he should have been with me and I miss him so much.

Life is so hard now. There is so much I feel I can't do without him. At times I am terrified. He looked after me more than he ever realised.  He would hold my hand and everything would be good, I would feel safe. I'm not yet sure that I can do this alone but you give me hope.

Thank you.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, TLN said:

It seems even God is gone

Oh I felt this for the first year until I realized He'd been carrying me even as I didn't realize it...it wasn't that He abandoned me, but rather that my grief was a filter by which nothing else could get through, God included.  I continued in faith.  (Now faith is assurance of things hoped for, a conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1)

I continue on faith still.  Faith that George and I will be together again, along with the pets lost over the years and so many more.  Faith that I'll somehow continue to survive, that this life here will somehow work out.  Sometimes we feel so alone, but we have to continue on faith.  What else do we have?

13 minutes ago, LMR said:

He would hold my hand and everything would be good, I would feel safe.

Yes. I haven't felt that feeling of love/protection since George died.  It's hard to describe to someone who has never experienced it, but you have.

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

At the same time, I do recognize that my worst days with John were fundamentally better than any day since he died.  When he was living, I was certain I had his love and support no matter what difficulties I faced. I could get through anything, we could get through anything, because we had each other.  

I don't have that emotional and tangible safety net any longer.  Life is inarguably harder for me without John. There is more fear and insecurity now.  There are things I don't think I can do without him, and I chafe a bit at these limitations. I miss having him here with me, because everything was better with him in my life. 

But I have gotten to the point where I feel life is good even if it is not as good as it was with him.   

Hi Gail.  I could have written and have felt every word of this about my John as well.

I haven't gotten to where you are just yet, but I've made many small steps forward over the past 18 months and have hope that I will continue.  I haven't yet found my purpose in living the rest of my life, but I do find purpose in many days now.  I still cry every day; I miss him every minute; I know that for me "happiness" will always be a relative term now.  But I look back and can see that there is more light and hope than I had even 1 year ago.

Of course I know that doesn't make it any easier for BBB and other members.  I well remember those months when I felt as if I had pushed back from the teeny steps I had taken forward and couldn't figure out why it felt even worse.  But I made it through those months by breathing in and out, stumbling through the days, and hoping that some day I would be able to slowly move forward again.

[Roxeanne]

 

22 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

At the same time, I do recognize that my worst days with John were fundamentally better than any day since he died.  When he was living, I was certain I had his love and support no matter what difficulties I faced. I could get through anything, we could get through anything, because we had each other.  

I don't have that emotional and tangible safety net any longer.  Life is inarguably harder for me without John. There is more fear and insecurity now. 

The same for me Gail! When i was in trouble and worried his presence and his hands calmed me immediately...and i breathed a sight  of relief!

Everything was fine!

I feel better but are 3 years that no longer i breathe a sight of relief !

 

[Gail 8588]

6 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

When I was in trouble and worried his presence and his hands calmed me immediately. . .

 

Yes, his presence grounded me.  He would smile and say, "What's the worst that can happen. You will still have me."

I had absolute certainty of support for 40 years.  It is scary to go out into the world without that safety net. 

Gail

[BBB]

Might sound odd but the same really applied to my wife. She was not necessarily my protector but she was my safety net. 

[foreverhis]

@BBB  It doesn't sound odd to me at all.  I'm certain that John felt the same about me.  Though he was my protector physically and in so many other ways, I was also his protector from some of the harshness of the world, through the challenging times, as encouragement when he decided to leave the corporate world and become "his own boss," and as a shelter from any storm. 

It is to my lasting shame that I didn't and couldn't protect him from the bastard cancer that took him from us.  We had made it through a different cancer 15 years earlier; we had made it through the bicycling accident that would have killed him if he hadn't been wearing his helmet and that did cause permanent physical damage; we had made it through 2 years of doctors trying to figure out what was wrong with me, until I finally had auto-immune diagnoses; and we had made it through all the challenges of figuring out a new path when our health derailed the track we had been on and worked for so hard.

But we also had 35 years together that were loving, caring, comforting, and so often joyous.  The depth of our grief now is the price we pay for all of it.

I think it's safe to say that we here who were so lucky to find our soulmates both found and became the strong support for each other. 

[BBB]

Similar story line. My wife had cancer in 2012 and then again in 2017, ultimately succumbing in 2020. Hate cancer.

[myloss123]

hey everyone, sorry we're all in this "weird" club.

I agree with a lot of these responses. It's hard to keep going after the love of your life is gone. We really both felt like we know each other from a different life and just picked up where we left off. For some of you, it seems like you have been together for as long as I've been alive. I'm sorry, that must be very difficult. I lost my fiance at 35, 10 years after we met. I understand an miss that feeling of not being able to "bounce" something off each other. We both worked in the same field and would often ask each other for advice on our clients, something that wouldn't go well or have a same response from colleagues. I miss those nights we drove into Chinatown at 12am for a quick meal, because we had a long unpredictable day, and it was comforting. I miss giving her a foot rub, that eventually ended into something more on the couch or the floor...

That affection and love, even when you had an argument but figured it out. I miss doing things for her. Nicole. I used to iron her clothes for work in the morning for work, make her tea, sometimes prepare her lunch, bring the car up front if it rained so she wouldn't get wet. None of those has she ever asked of me, but I knew how she was in the mornings and I did it because I was already ready and she would never ask for me to do them. It was a routine, almost, that was slowly taken away for over 2 years. 

It's weird to do things, cook things, for myself only again, but slowly getting there. 

Anyway, I'm glad there is this understanding community here, but also wish it never existed. Cancer should figure out how to disappear!

 

[Sparky1]

8 hours ago, BBB said:

Might sound odd but the same really applied to my wife. She was not necessarily my protector but she was my safety net. 

My wife was my strength and courage. I always asked her opinion because she was straightforward, unlike the Libra that I am and have to weigh everything beforehand. She didn't hesitate and I admired her toughness, yet she was gentle when she had to be. She also had an autoimmune disease for over 25 years and it did not beat her. The cursed cancer did her in. I feel like I lost half of myself when she passed away, and I miss her presence so much.

[KayC]

Cancer has been the way I've always feared going...I took care of my sweet MIL for three years when she was bedridden with cancer, she beat breast cancer for over five years and then got it in the liver & bones until it took over every organ in her body, I had to watch her suffer and go downhill, the sweetest person in the world, the mom I always wanted!  So that is my greatest fear and how I do NOT want to go!  I get checked for Melanoma every three months as I get them and they're prevalent in both sides of my family...some people think "Oh, it's JUST skin cancer!" not realizing it can spread to our organs and throughout our body if we do not catch it early!  It's an ever-threat.  My husband, on the other hand feared heart attacks the most as he'd personally witnessed several with heart attacks...and wouldn't you know, that'd be his way to go.  In my opinion, cancer is a four letter word.

[Gail 8588]

My personal end of life story is one of those things I can't think about.  It is too depressing/terrifying.  There are so many awful scenarios that my mind can easily fall into a constant state of anxiety.   I have to talk myself  out of going there, saying even in a worst case scenario only one of these terrible events is likely to happen (I will only die once). I can't spend my life worrying about hundreds of things that won't actually happen.  And who knows maybe I'll die peacefully in my sleep or after a brief illness with my children at my bedside. 

I  just can't focus on the bad alternatives because they are too terrible and there are too many of them. 

Gail

[myloss123]

KayC, i get it. It's hard to see your loved one suffer everyday, knowing but not acknowledging the fact they will be dead, on both sides. Pretending things will work out. Not knowing where, when, how, not being able to make any more plans, because things go from moment to moment, not even day to day anymore. Picking them up from the bathroom after they had a seizure, cleaning them when they eventually soil themselves because of the seizure. Hearing those weird sounds, somewhere between crying in pain and moaning, and having to stay strong enough and not show emotion because you can't show them it affects you so as to not show them you lost hope. Despite all this, before i finally had to take her to the hospital for the last time, almost 2 months in there, she was hard. Worked everyday with autisitc kids at a special school, how she managed, I don't know, but did it. She FOUGHT, but eventually died holding my hand.

My Nicole didn't get cancer from lack of responsibility. We were in shape, ate healthy, worked out 6-7 days a week, no drugs, rarely alcohol, just healthy living. But genetics screwed her and she didn't know to get checked earlier. You're right, cancer is a four letter word!

we gotta keep strong, I guess, but it's hard most days. I can compartmentalize for only so long. 

[myloss123]

Gail, I understand that feeling. I think sometimes, and this is not usual for me, that if anything happened, heart attack, than this Covid scare, no one would find me for a while. I have a tendency to shut off my personal phone for days , and my neighbors don't know me. The smell would be detected at some point. I know, it's morbid, but hard not to think about when you're used to having someone else living with you all the time. 

Talking yourself out of thinking that way is a weird and lengthy process sometimes. Just keep strong. All we can do 

[foreverhis]

On 3/25/2021 at 3:16 PM, myloss123 said:

For some of you, it seems like you have been together for as long as I've been alive. I'm sorry, that must be very difficult. I lost my fiance at 35, 10 years after we met.

It is the hardest thing I've ever had to face, and life threw some darn hard challenges at us over the years.  I really don't know how I made it through the first year and even beyond, but I just kept breathing and taking each day trying to do one small productive thing, one little thing that would help be bring a good memory to mind.

Now, talk about feeling old...(just teasing you a teeny bit).  I thank you for your sympathy, but it's really more empathy, I think. The fact that my love and I had 35 years together (knew each other for 37; met when I was 23) was a blessing, no doubt about it.  But the fact that you and your love did not have that and that you lost her so young makes your grief no less devastating and, in some ways, sadder.  I am so very sorry that you have a reason to be here with us.  My heart truly hurts for you, your soulmate (I believe this to be true), and all that you did not get to experience together.

We are unique in our relationships, our losses, our time of life, and so many other things.  For each of us, the worst possible loss is our own--and that is how it should be. What's different is that in coming here, in finding kindred spirits, we are still on our own paths, but we are no longer walking the dark, painful, unwelcome journey alone.

I say "the bastard cancer" even though I very rarely swear in public because there simply is no other term that works for me.  Watching my beloved fade over his last several months is something I can't put into words, as I'm sure you know all too well.  So young and with so much ahead of you.  It is supremely unfair.

Please keep coming here to talk, question, rant, and even "scream" if you need to because we will always listen, give advice if asked, and never tell you what you "should/shouldn't" think, feel, or believe.  We're a group of people who have lost our one essential love, which makes us family in a horrible, yet comforting way.

[Roxeanne]

We shall all die someday!

Hope it will be easy.

We have suffered enough! 

[foreverhis]

1 minute ago, Roxeanne said:

We shall all die someday!

Hope it will be easy.

We have suffered enough! 

I've wondered to myself, if there is such a thing as purgatory (I'm not Catholic, so it's not part of my background) and if I end up there, I think I'll say, "Where the heck do you think I've been all these years without my love?  May I go now?"

[BBB]

I agree, for all those who have lost a spouse....haven't we suffered enough?

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, BBB said:

I agree, for all those who have lost a spouse....haven't we suffered enough?

I always think this way. I know my wife went through a lot in her life, having MS, then Cushing's caused by the SOB cancer which eventually took her. Now I have my own physical aches and pains but those are nothing to the sorrow and heartache of losing her. I keep wondering and asking, what did both of us do? My hope is that I don't hang around for another 30 years, it would be very difficult to get through without my wife.

[Gail 8588]

My mother died at age 84, married to my dad for 62 years. On the Friday before her death on Monday, she hosted 3 tables of duplicate bridge at their home, serving home baked sweets she made for her friends.  She came in 2nd in duplicate (out of the 12 players). It was a great day.  She had an out patient procedure scheduled on Monday and her heart failed.  

I know she was totally fine with her death.  She lived her life fully right up until the day she died. 

My dad died 2 years later of congestive heart failure, peacefully, with my 2 brothers and I with him as he took his last breath. 

Oh how I hope I can have a death like either of theirs. 

When I start thinking of all the possibilities of my own end of life, I think of my mom and dad and try to believe my passing will be similar. 

I fear going through a death like my dear husband endured, as I will not have him by my side to comfort me.

Gail

[BBB]

Right, I know what you mean Gail. I was my wife's caregiver as she would have wanted. However, now that she's gone she obviously cannot be my caregiver. I hope I die peacefully in my sleep. Soon would be nice.

 

[myloss123]

Foreverhis,

 I really appreciate the response. I think in our society it's more difficult for a man to come out with these topics. We are supposed to be strong and just put it behind us, but I'm glad I found a community that is accepting and actually helpful. I'm sorry for your loss, but glad that you got to have all those years together. They're not always easy. When my Nicole was diagnosed, we weren't in a good place, but a Scorpio(me) and a Pisces will most always get it back together in hard times. We actually became much closer during her treatment and eventual death. We made plans to buy a house next to a lake, froze her eggs before starting chemo so we can potentially have kids, had vacation plans planned for the Galapagos Islands, her one bucket list place she wanted to see, but it wasn't to be. 

It all messed me up, still does, but I got myself to start something new, different state, and go back to my chosen profession. One day at a time. It's hard, I don't see lights at the end of tunnels, I'm not religious and neither was she, but I believe her energy is somewhere out there and we'll meet again. I'm grateful I had the opportunity to work with such an amazing individual for 3 years. She was a great therapist and the fact I got to work side by side with her in really complicated crisis situations makes me happy. I recently found some letters written to her from kids we worked with that validate that point. It was emotional to read, but at the same time, it was nice to see what they thought of her. 

Anyway, it's not easy but thank you and everyone on this site for being so inclusive and allowing some rambling.

[BBB]

Heck I'm a guy and honestly I feel like in some ways it's tougher for the male to cope. 

[myloss123]

I agree with you, BBB. Society thinks different, but the human mind is what it is, no matter what gender or orientation you are. 

[Gail 8588]

The most difficult loss is your loss.

We all feel this way. 

Gail

[TLN]

47 minutes ago, BBB said:

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep. Soon would be nice.

Dear BBB, I am so sorry for your pain. I, too, want to die in my darkest moments. Last night was one of those moments. I started to make preparations for leaving this earth; but I signed on to this site instead. I feel better today. A lot better. Restoration is possible; but it takes so long. I am so thankful for you guys. I hope you, too, feel better. Soon. TLN.

[Sparky1]

25 minutes ago, BBB said:

Heck I'm a guy and honestly I feel like in some ways it's tougher for the male to cope. 

Everyone tells me that it is tougher for the male to go on by himself. I know in my case it definitely is not easy. I'm grateful for my parents that instilled in me the necessity of hard work, not to be lazy, and how to do things around the house. Especially my mom that I watched and learned how to cook; all those nice Italian dishes.

For me, nothing can replace the warmth, the touch, the physical aspects of having your loved one by your side. That I miss with all my being.

[BBB]

Grieving is the worst

[KayC]

23 hours ago, myloss123 said:

My Nicole didn't get cancer from lack of responsibility.

I doubt many were responsible for their cancer, that's the insidious thing about it, it just hits who it will and makes no sense.  I had a friend that got cancer and died...she grew her own garden, ate healthy, organic, was a wonderful spirit, she was 40.  Nothing fair about how it strikes.  

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I think I'll say, "Where the heck do you think I've been all these years without my love?  May I go now?"

It seems life here IS purgatory!  At least this year it's seemed that way...

16 hours ago, BBB said:

Heck I'm a guy and honestly I feel like in some ways it's tougher for the male to cope. 

I lean towards that also but IDK, maybe it's individual.  I know my FIL found someone a month after mom passed...they'd been married 40 years.