Still waiting.

[LMR]

My life has stopped. All day I am sitting waiting. Still waiting. Waiting for him to come home or just waiting for the day to be over. I cry a lot. At night I rarely sleep more than 3 hours. I suppose if you do nothing you don't need much sleep but I can't think of anything worth doing. He's been the focus of my life for 48 years. I am totally lost without him.
@Mark loves Sandra    
Yes, I too thought our love was different, more intense than everyone else's. He was part of me, I part of him. There was no separation. It felt really special. We had been stopped in the street by strangers a couple of times commenting on how happy we looked. We were always arm in arm or hand in hand. I miss him so much it is unbearable.

Sorry, I am just feeling so lonely.

[TLN]

Dear LMR, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my Father back in May of 2018; and though I have never known a husband, I imagine a woman's grief over the death of her husband is severe and abysmal. My heart goes out to you. How beautiful that you were part of one another; no separation. What a beautiful picture, of being one spirit with one's spouse--one that I hope to know some day. Blessings to you, TLN.

[KayC]

@LMR  When I lost my husband, it was the hardest thing I'd ever had to go through , and that says a lot because I've been through a lot in my life.  I've had many losses, parents, grandparents, my sweet MIL (the "mom" I've always wanted)), cousin, friends, pets, sister, niece, nephew, aunts, uncles...but this hit like a bomb to my life, shattering everything I knew, my entire existence.  I was never to be the same again, nor would my life.  Everything became a "before" or "after" that point in time.  It's been almost 16 years.  I can honestly say not a day has gone by over those years but what I've thought of him, he's been on my mind and in my heart ...uppermost.  The other death that hit me was my Arlie, whom I called my "soulmate in a dog" because he was the perfect dog for me and my steady companion and rock for 10 1/2 years.  Watching him go downhill with cancer was one of the hardest things I've ever faced.  Life, I've learned, is full of loss, particularly the older we get, it seems to escalate.  It's a tall order to take it all in stride!  To have to adjust to each and every one, but when you're hit with one that particularly overwhelms you, your spouse, that took me years to process and begin to adjust to.  I have learned to live alone, learned I have only myself to truly count on, that there IS no one out there that truly cares about me as my husband did, that has been very very hard to digest.  Yesterday I was out of town at the tax place and I hit the car door into my head really hard and my head burst with blood pouring out!  I drove myself to the hospital to get taken care of...I thought, what if I'd knocked myself out?  They would have called an ambulance.  Who would check in on my puppy if I didn't show up at home?  Who would notice I didn't come home and feed him, walk him?  It is a scary thought, one we never had to consider when we had a spouse.  My husband adored me...I haven't had that since.

These words are not comforting, I'm sorry, but they are an acknowledgement of the deep gaping hole you feel.  I wish it was anything but.

[jmmosley53]

LMR,

I suppose we all feel that our love was unique and special.  I love the picture you describe of walking hand in hand.  It sure pulls at my heart strings.

Loving someone for 48 years is something to be very proud of.  It is no wonder you feel lost and alone. Your husband must have been a wonderful man to inspire so much love. 

I so identify with waiting for the day to just be over.  I know my love is not coming home.  I think I am just waiting until the day I can go be with him.

[Sparky1]

On 3/20/2021 at 9:54 PM, LMR said:

My life has stopped. All day I am sitting waiting. Still waiting. Waiting for him to come home or just waiting for the day to be over. I cry a lot. At night I rarely sleep more than 3 hours. I suppose if you do nothing you don't need much sleep but I can't think of anything worth doing. He's been the focus of my life for 48 years. I am totally lost without him.
@Mark loves Sandra    
Yes, I too thought our love was different, more intense than everyone else's. He was part of me, I part of him. There was no separation. It felt really special. We had been stopped in the street by strangers a couple of times commenting on how happy we looked. We were always arm in arm or hand in hand. I miss him so much it is unbearable.

Sorry, I am just feeling so lonely.

LMR, I'm also in a down period the last few days. I understand your waiting for him to come home. I still find it surreal that my wife is gone and not coming back. All the things in the house are mostly like they were when she was here. It seems like she never left. I keep asking her to come home even though I know it can't happen.

I also am not finding it any easier to accept. She was my life, now my days drag on and the emptiness and loneliness are very difficult to cope with. It's a struggle without her, I miss her so much, miss her kiss, her touch, her sweet voice, her smile, the list goes on.

[LMR]

Thank you all for your support. The grief can be so overwhelming and I appreciate your sharing.

5 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

 

Loving someone for 48 years is something to be very proud of.  It is no wonder you feel lost and alone. Your husband must have been a wonderful man to inspire so much love. 

 

Yes, he was a wonderful man. He always said that lur marriage was his greatest achievement.

 

3 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

LMR, I'm also in a down period the last few days. I understand your waiting for him to come home. I still find it surreal that my wife is gone and not coming back.

I sit on the sofa and I remember the sound of his key in the door and how it would always make my heart leap. His smile would have it turning somersaults.

 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry LMR. That first year was the hardest for me, easily. I won't tell you everything suddenly turns into a zippy doo-da picnic after that, but it is realistic to say it gets easier, so I hope that gives you a silver lining to aim for.

And I confess I'm also jealous. You had 48 years. 48!  I had less than 12...and most of that basically weekends because we didn't live in the same town...only in the last roughly year or two did we actually live together, and that was out of necessity near the end game, so not exactly a bed of roses either, not that I'd trade it for anything. I guess I'm just saying as hard as it may be to focus on this now, and I hope it doesn't come out wrong, on the whole you sound like an extremely lucky person. 

[Missy1]

@Sparky1 I feel exactly the same way! After 14 months I am still lost and feel the pain in my chest when I breathe. There are no answers, I am exhausted. I want to go home where ever he is, I belong there! I still sob every day...

I just wan t to feel him wrap his arms around me and hear his voice tell me how much he loves me, then I would say I you  more, he would say I love  you most, I would say I love you  best!! Cheesy perhaps but we loved each other fiercely. We had so many little nuances. Special to just us. I am so broken... 

[Yoli]

40 minutes ago, Missy1 said:

We had so many little nuances. Special to just us

Same. It is so hard to think these will never be spoken again.

[LMR]

2 hours ago, widower2 said:

I hope it doesn't come out wrong, on the whole you sound like an extremely lucky person. 

I totally understand what you are saying. We were lucky to find each other and we had a wonderful 48 years but it still wasn't enough.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, LMR said:

His smile would have it turning somersaults.

That is so wonderful!  No matter how many years we spend together, still having that love & connection, so rare and so precious!

6 hours ago, LMR said:

we had a wonderful 48 years but it still wasn't enough.

Whether it's one year or 50...it's never enough.

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

I had less than 12

We didn't even get that much, but I know if we had, it wouldn't have seemed enough no matter how long it was. 

 

[widower2]

On 3/23/2021 at 1:11 AM, Missy1 said:

We had so many little nuances. Special to just us. I am so broken... 

I think of this more than a little. So many inside jokes that were only funny or relevant to us that no one on the planet would ever get. Fortunately some of those still do make me smile and I hope she is "out there" somewhere smiling too, but I so miss sharing them with that knowing laugh or smile while other people are going "??."