My husband's memorial is coming up and I'm stressed

[Diane R. E.]

Although I'm venting here, if anyone has words of wisdom on how to get through this, I'll take them! My husband's memorial is going to be on April 11, which will be just after the sixth month mark of his death. I'm honored that his two sisters and much of my family are coming, but one of my sisters plus her two adult children and their families are treating it as a vacation. I love them dearly, but am also stressed out because I'm expected to house them, feed them, and go sightseeing with them for almost two weeks. I didn't know at the time when I told them they could stay with me that they would be here that long. Cost isn't an issue, but I'm not much of a cook, and it's difficult to engage with people for extended times. I know I'll get through it, I just wish I wasn't feeling so anxious on top of the grief.

[Maria_PI]

Diane, I am sorry you are going through such anxiety on top of your grief! I don’t have much of an advice on how to deal with the memorial as I never even had a funeral for my hisband, due to COVID and because all our family and close friends are far away. But I think you may be able to take advantage of the situation with your sister, let them deal with all the cooking, arrangements and other house chores. I hope your sister is as close to you as mine. My sister came to stay with me for two weeks after my husband passed, then came with my niece around the holidays. She did all the shopping, cooking and cleaning around the house, no questions asked and no judgement. I was in a brain fog at the time and having to deal with documents and formalities, plus work. I think you may find their presence a distraction from grief and loneliness. I hope you do. (((Hugs)))


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[KayC]

20 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

I'm expected to house them, feed them, and go sightseeing with them for almost two weeks.

NO!!!  OMG!  They need to vacation somewhere else with someone else!  This is insane!  I can't imagine someone glibly barging in on you at this time!  I am so sorry!  Tell them your grief group said a loud emphatic NO!!!  I mean this is the highest level of insensitivity I've seen!  I wouldn't want two weeks with ANYONE, let alone in early grief!!  My daughter stayed on with me for a few months to HELP me but that was different!  SHE got groceries, cooked, cleaned, answered the phone, even slept with me that first night!  She was wonderful, but that's my daughter, I "homegrown" her into what she was, she was all I raised her to be!  I couldn't do it with anyone but my kids but they are kind, thoughtful, helpful wonderful people and I've already experienced living with them!

[KayC]

If you're bent on letting her come and don't want to make waves, buy her family t.v. dinners.  Do not knock yourself out, lest they stay a month.  You are not the Hilton.  If she doesn't like it she can cook for herself and her family.  She is not your responsibility.  I'm sorry, people's gall never fails to amaze me.  I know you love your sister but...

[Diane R. E.]

Thank you so much for your support Kay! I love my sister dearly as well as my niece and nephew and their children, and as much as I want them to be here for the memorial, I do kind of feel like the extended stay is an intrusion. I am not someone who likes to ask for help, but will try to muster up the courage to do so. Thank you everyone else for your continued support and perspectives.

[KayC]

I hope you'll let us know how it goes, and I hope someone else will host them, at least part of the time.

[SDC]

Diane, I'm sorry you're stressed because of someone else's decision on top of grieving and anticipating your husband's memorial. Why not speak honestly with your sister? You wrote "I do kind of feel like an extended stay is an intrusion."  You feel that way because it IS an intrusion. A two week stay--with the assumption you want to sightsee, cook meals, and hang out with a large group of people---is too much, too soon after your husband died. It just is. I'm dumbfounded that your sister thinks you'd want to play hostess for two weeks, but I know that even people who love us can be daft and unseeing. 

I'm an only child who has no problem putting my needs first, even if other people don't like it. But I understand that family dynamics make other people struggle with doing the same. It sounds like you assume that you have no choice but to go along with what they've decided. (That's an erroneous & self-destructive assumption, but I won't go into that.) So, the next best way to look out for your well-being is to be frank with your sister about your limitations. Tell her that your grief is depleting and you often don't have energy or interest in engaging with even people you love. Tell her that she/they can't expect you to behave normally while staying in your home--that you not mentally able to play hostess, that may need to isolate, you may need to get away from them, you may not want to eat every meal with them, you may not want to go anywhere with them, you are not up for providing all meals for a large group, etc. Tell her that you're clarifying now so no one is surprised or offended or worse, tries to force you to behave how they'd prefer. Tell her it's essential that you put your needs first and behave how you need in your own home. Tell her what you shared here--that you love them all dearly--and that you know they love you in return and that part of loving you now is respecting where you are and respecting your limitations.  I'd write it--send an email versus talking. This isn't something you need to discuss with her--her feedback doesn't matter, how it make her feel doesn't matter. You need her--and her kids--to know what your limitations are at this time in your life. Boundaries are important, especially when we're as vulnerable as we are when we're grieving. So please look out for yourself and let her know she/they shouldn't expect from you. I think sharing honestly will diminish your stress and make you feel empowered to put yourself first. Take good care. 

[jmmosley53]

Hello Diane,

My husband's sister and her adult children wanted to have a memorial service for my husband about 3 months after his death.  Because I wasn't able to have a funeral and I knew they wanted to pay respects to my husband I agreed.

I was very glad I agreed.  Being with close family that loved Richard very much made what I thought was going to be torture okay.  We talked about Richard, related stories about him to each other, we ate a little food, and did a balloon release.  

My plan going into the memorial was that if I became uncomfortable I'd leave and have my little sister take me home.  Thankfully that was not necessary.  Although it was not a party it was a nice respectful gathering of loved ones.

It is just my opinion but having house guests for 2 weeks seems like it could be stressful unless they are respectful of you and your home.  It might be in your best interest to have an escape plan.

If they become more than you can bear leave.  Let them stay at the house, you can check into a hotel or go stay with a trusted friend.  Have a packed bag at the ready.  You don't need to be gone for the whole 2 weeks.  Just long enough for you to get your strength and sanity back.

All you need say is....I just couldn't cope  that is really all the explanation they need.  They are supposed to be comforting you.  You are not supposed to be entertaining them.

[widower2]

8 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

If they become more than you can bear leave.  Let them stay at the house, you can check into a hotel or go stay with a trusted friend.  Have a packed bag at the ready.  You don't need to be gone for the whole 2 weeks.  Just long enough for you to get your strength and sanity back.

I apologize up front for any offense, but you're saying if it becomes too much, she should leave HER home while they stay there mooching and she goes to a friend's or a hotel? Seriously?? 

NOT. NO FREAKING WAY should that be a consideration. Good grief. Her sister is being horribly inconsiderate (even if unintentionally) and as others have said better than I could, she should (tactfully) let her know it. DON'T BE A DOORMAT. I would say look: you can come a day or three before and/or after, but no more, and I don't have the energy or desire to do much cooking or anything else, so I hope you like pizza. Or whatever. Two weeks is beyond ridiculous, and especially if they're going to treat it like some "vacation."  A time of mourning is a vacation? How disgusting. 

DIANE:  Don't do this to yourself or let others do it to you. Make your feelings clear. Who knows, maybe that's all they need is a clue and they will go OK sure. I sure as hell would hope so.

 

[steveb]

Diane ... your only concern should be for your own well being. If there are stressors in your life that you can control, then you should do so. If someone gets offended, than that individual doesn’t have your best interest in mind.

[KayC]

I agree with the others chiming in here.  I want so badly to protect you!  I KNOW how it feels at this time and I remember when his friend came up with his SO (that George and I didn't care for, with good reason) to our house right before his funeral!  I was so upset that they'd just show up, but especially her!  She grabbed his hat, hanging by the door, and said, "I want his hat!!"  I snatched it back and said, "NO!  It's GEORGE'S!!"  How dare she!  I felt intruded on and it was extremely hard to be civil to her!  I haven't heard from them since the funeral, typical of ALL of our "friends."  I had to make new friends, start completely over, not what I needed in a time like this!

Is it no wonder I want to protect you, stave off the intruders, hold you, let you cry, fix you homemade soup?  We all understand the position you feel you're in, but her "wants" don't make it a crisis to deal with on YOUR part.  Her vacation, her kids, that's HERS to deal with, not yours!  (Exclamation!)  They totally should schedule that for another time...and not this year and two weeks is too long to host ANYONE!

[steveb]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

"I want his hat!!"

That's just frickin incredible!  That gal has/had the maturity level of a child.  Such toxic folks simply don't understand or care about pain and loss until it happens to them. 

[Diane R. E.]

I want to thank all of you who responded to my post, with your incredible support and validation of my feelings. I so appreciate all the perspectives you have shared - they give me guidance on how to ponder this and how to talk (write) to my sister. I forgot to mention in my first post on this topic that my sister told me just recently that her granddaughter (my grand niece) is now bringing her boyfriend. Neither my sister or my niece asked me if that would be ok! I have not met the boyfriend (they're all from MN), and I'm sure he's a perfectly nice young man, but it just adds to my stress level. Hugs to all of you!

[SDC]

5 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

I want to thank all of you who responded to my post, with your incredible support and validation of my feelings. I so appreciate all the perspectives you have shared - they give me guidance on how to ponder this and how to talk (write) to my sister. I forgot to mention in my first post on this topic that my sister told me just recently that her granddaughter (my grand niece) is now bringing her boyfriend. Neither my sister or my niece asked me if that would be ok! I have not met the boyfriend (they're all from MN), and I'm sure he's a perfectly nice young man, but it just adds to my stress level. Hugs to all of you!

The insensitivity to what you need/want is astonishing. I hope you feel empowered to express your needs as directly & confidently as your sister pushes her wants onto you. One thing I've learned with age: no one looks out for us as much as we can look for ourselves. No one is going to step up when we don't step up for ourselves. Take good of you and hugs.  

[Sparky1]

Diane, there's not much I can add to what the others have said. The only thing is that you have to be firm and lay down the rules because it's your house. Everyone has to clean up after themselves, make their own food if they want to eat and don't make a ruckus at all hours of the night.

I hope and pray that all goes well and that it turns out to be a great Memorial. Be firm and tell them that you're still grieving and are not in a mood for hosting a 'vacation'.

[Gail 8588]

Diane, 

I am so sorry this memorial service and visit has turned into such a stressful situation.  Wish you had your sweet hubby to turn to for support and consolation.  Just the sort of thing we need our loved ones for!

I think JMMoseley's comments may be spot on regarding the memorial itself.  It is totally understandable to be apprehensive about the memorial service. But I think you will find more comfort than you expect as family and friends share their love and admiration for your husband. If you have any antianxeity medications, this would be a good time to accept that form of assistance.  

As to the 2 week stay of your sister and extended family/friends, my inclination is more along the lines of JMMoseley's escape plan.

I suspect your sister is trying to cheer you up by having you see the sights with them. She is one of the fortunate ones who have not been forced into this miserable grief journey, and thus she thinks you can be cheered up by having fun with the family. 

It's your life, your sister, your family dynamics and none of us knows  how well or  poorly suggestions/ultimatums will be received. But we all want to encourage you to take care of yourself, speak up for your wants and needs. 

There may be a day when you are sort of okay with being dragged out to see the sights. Other times it may be the last thing in the world you want to do.  When it feels that way, we encourage you to say firmly, No, I don't want to go and I am not going.  It may be a great relief for you to see them all go out for the day and you have 10 hours of peace and quiet. Eat on your own schedule, with or without them as you choose. 

The plan to check into a hotel if it gets to be too much would appeal to me.  First, it would help me to feel more in control just by having the plan. Second, it would send the clear message that this vacation/visit is not helping you. Your sister may cut the stay short, to give you back your home.  At worst you are in a hotel for a week or so. 

In my experience, having house guests for 2 weeks, would be both mentally and physically exhausting. I would do what I could to discourage my sister from implementing this 2 week vacation/visit at my home. 

If that fails, I would let her know ahead of the visit that being with people is exhausting to you and that you will only occasionally take a meal with them and that you are not up for going on outings (or specifying what outing/outings you might join in on) That you are sorry you are not more sociable, but this is all that you are capable of doing right now. 

You will still be stuck having to feign interest in their stories of the day and go through the motions of what human interaction is supposed to look like.  When that becomes too much to keep up ( because all this is exhausting on top of your grief that is exhausting too) I'd head for that hotel to cry and sleep and cry some more.  That's just me.  I'm not much of an ultimatum person.  You may be able to be more assertive. 

We all want to encourage you to protect yourself. You have the right to grieve on your own time schedule in your own way. 

Good luck.

Gail

 

 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, SDC said:

No one is going to step up when we don't step up for ourselves.

This was something I had to realize now that my biggest advocate and protector was gone...it was now up to me to do it.

[KayC]

Amen to what Gail said.  However, not all of us can afford hotels.  I couldn't.  We had $120 in the bank when he died with $72,000 in bills coming in.  I couldn't afford anything.

[Diane R. E.]

Well, the last of my family finally left yesterday (I couldn't bring myself to retract my invitation for them to stay with me). I'll start with the positive: the memorial for my husband was perfect - I couldn't have asked for a more blessed experience! My sister helped to a great extent and I couldn't have done it without her. Now as for the days leading up to it and the days after it, that's another story. They were in full vacation mode (except for the memorial itself). I love each of my family members with all my heart, but my nephew and his family, as well as my niece and her family are LOUD and quite boisterous! I know they didn't mean to be disrespectful, but they no respect for my privacy or my need for peace and quiet. They stayed up until after midnight every night, and since I was bunking on the couch, it meant I was also up that late every night. And oh my, can the guys eat, even the two who are the parents. Both of them along with my grandnephew and my grandniece's boyfriend literally ate two meals in one sitting. It's a good thing I planned for plenty of food! The last few days that my niece and her crew were here, I did decline to participate in their daily sightseeing excursions, so I was able to have the daytime to myself. Now to try and recover from my physical and mental stress ... 

[KayC]

You're a greater saint than me!  I hope you consider all this before ever extending such a long and all inclusive invite to them in the future, it's okay to put limitations on it, such as length of time, providing meals, and how many people come!  I learned to be my own best friend and protector now that my #1 friend & protector is gone.  (((hugs))  You made it through it, and now I hope you can let down and recover a bit.

I am SO GLAD your husband's memorial went well, and also that your sister helped.

My daughter was immeasurable help to me when my husband died, she stayed with me for a few months but her time here began to dwindle...however, unbeknownst to me she invited her XBF to stay with us five months into my grief and that was horrible!  He arrived as a total surprise to me, in the snow, I couldn't just put him out to freeze.  But the ensuing months were awful, he had a drinking problem and didn't handle anything well.  He would not help with anything and caused big problems.  I ended up throwing him out after five months....on his birthday no less.  I felt bad that it was on his birthday, but just could not tolerate any more.  I am so glad he was her EX not current, she has him blocked and has for years now.  He was a lost soul but she concluded that he was too much for her to help, and she was right.  We can't always be our "brother's keeper."  We must first listen to our own soul's needs.  Peace factors in largely!

[SDC]

On 4/17/2021 at 5:36 PM, Diane R. E. said:

Well, the last of my family finally left yesterday (I couldn't bring myself to retract my invitation for them to stay with me). I'll start with the positive: the memorial for my husband was perfect - I couldn't have asked for a more blessed experience! My sister helped to a great extent and I couldn't have done it without her. Now as for the days leading up to it and the days after it, that's another story. They were in full vacation mode (except for the memorial itself). I love each of my family members with all my heart, but my nephew and his family, as well as my niece and her family are LOUD and quite boisterous! I know they didn't mean to be disrespectful, but they no respect for my privacy or my need for peace and quiet. They stayed up until after midnight every night, and since I was bunking on the couch, it meant I was also up that late every night. And oh my, can the guys eat, even the two who are the parents. Both of them along with my grandnephew and my grandniece's boyfriend literally ate two meals in one sitting. It's a good thing I planned for plenty of food! The last few days that my niece and her crew were here, I did decline to participate in their daily sightseeing excursions, so I was able to have the daytime to myself. Now to try and recover from my physical and mental stress ... 

Diane, I'm so glad you're pleased with your husband's memorial. That was, obviously, the most important thing. And you survived the intrusion upon your space! Cheers to you. Now you can focus on recovering and put your needs first. Take good care!