it hurts today

[aflee12345]

My husband died in October.  We had 42 years of adventures together. We had just retired and had so many plans.  In some ways, the year of covid19 took them away. But I'm also grateful because our oldest son and his girlfriend lived with us for 6 months before he died. The closeness and the memories are so dear to me. My son moved into his new house days before the heart attack.  He was by my side for 14 days of hell. My youngest son was with me when the drs told us he wasn't coming back. My youngest stayed with me for the past 6 months, again due to covid19 closings.  It has been an amazing gift.  He just drove off, going back to his job and life. I'm feeling all the pain and loss and loneliness again. Still holding the gratitude close, but also feeling the grief as sharply as I did before

[foreverhis]

Welcome.  You have found a wonderful place to be, full of members who understand in ways that no one else can.  I am so sorry that you have reason to be here.

I'm sorry to say that the 5 to 7 month mark is a really difficult time for most of us.  There are any number of reasons we think might cause it.  The shock is wearing off; people are moving on with their lives even as we feel stuck in quicksand or floating aimlessly while the world flows on by; most of the legal and other necessary paperwork is completed.  There are probably 25 other reasons, but it all comes down to the same thing:  It makes us feel as if we are back at that first day when we knew our loves had been taken from us.  I suspect for you that feeling is amplified because you have had your children with you, but now are suddenly alone, really alone.  No doubt it was a real blessing for you to have them with you, but on the flip side, having family around us also distracts us at times so that when our pain and grief fully surface, it's even harder to bear.  It's no wonder that everything is hitting you all over again.

This is the time to let your grief be front and center as you work your through these devastating early times.  I took the advice of living "one day, one hour at a time" to heart and that really helped.  Looking down the road to "the rest of my life" without my husband was and is simply too much to take in without sinking back into the depths of despair.  But over time, the raw edges of my grief have softened as I have learned to carry my grief, my love, and our memories forward, step by step.  I am able to see and grasp more times of light, hope, and even a little happiness.  It's a slow, difficult journey that is helped immensely by the fact that I can come here and talk to others who are walking their own path, but on the same difficult road.

Please come here and tell us about yourself and your husband, as you are able and if you are willing.  Talk, vent, question, and even "scream" if you need to.  We will listen, comfort as we can, and give advice if asked.  You do not have to go through this alone.

[steveb]

foreverhis, I’m at the 7 plus month point and you pretty much summed up what I’m feeling at this point. 
 

aflee12345, I’m so sorry for you loss and pain.  Come here and share your thoughts when you are up to it.  I come here daily to read and/or post.  I am so grateful that this site exists. God bless, Steve,

[Sparky1]

@aflee12345
I am also sorry for your loss. I lost my wife in October and I've been alone since then. Nobody stayed with me during the brutal first little while, everyone has their own lives. It hasn't been easy and it's still not easy for me without the love of my life by my side. This forum has helped me immensely and I'm sure it will give you some comfort, as we understand what each one of us is going through.

[LMR]

@aflee12345 I am so sorry for your loss. I have just reached seven months and for me it has just got steadily worse. One day I hope I will do better, meanwhile this site has helped me through so many dark patches. I come here and read or write when I am alone and crashing,  the people here help put me back together. 

 

[aflee12345]

Thank you all for responding.  I appreciate knowing I'm not alone in these feelings.

I know that having my sons to learn on helped to shield me from some of the pain. And today life without my husband really begins. One day at a time is good advice.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I welcome you here and hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, as it really does help to express yourself with others that "get it."  One day at a time was the best single piece of advice I got in my early journey, the other was to look for good in each day, no matter how small.
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[AnnaT]

For me it’s been 10 months since loss of my husband. It has not gotten any easier. If anything it feels even more painful as time goes by. I don’t know how to deal with that anymore. Every day I go to work and do my very best to pretend that everything is ok, that “it’s life as usual”. I try to forget that no one is waiting for me to come home, that there is no one there to greet me, hug me, kiss me... There is also no one that I can talk to... everybody I know basically told me that it’s time to move on with my life, that I need to start getting rid of his things, that I need to stop “mopping”. How do I do that when it’s been just the two of us for the past twenty years. We really didn’t have any close friends, mostly they were “good aquaitances”. My husband was my only best friend, the two of us were inseparable, and now... There is just this emptiness around me, half the time I feel like I’m suspended somewhere without a solid ground for me to step on. Lately I even started questioning whether there even was “us” but then I see the pictures of us together and my heart breaks again. I know in my head that he is gone, I will never see him again, and yet I “feel” him close. It feels like I’m loosing my mind.

[aflee12345]

@KayC
thank you I found your list on other threads and copied it to read and read again

@AnnaT
 I felt your words, your pain. it helps to know there are others who feel the same

[KayC]

2 hours ago, AnnaT said:

For me it’s been 10 months since loss of my husband. It has not gotten any easier. If anything it feels even more painful as time goes by. I don’t know how to deal with that anymore. Every day I go to work and do my very best to pretend that everything is ok, that “it’s life as usual”. I try to forget that no one is waiting for me to come home, that there is no one there to greet me, hug me, kiss me... There is also no one that I can talk to... everybody I know basically told me that it’s time to move on with my life, that I need to start getting rid of his things, that I need to stop “mopping”. How do I do that when it’s been just the two of us for the past twenty years. We really didn’t have any close friends, mostly they were “good aquaitances”. My husband was my only best friend, the two of us were inseparable, and now... There is just this emptiness around me, half the time I feel like I’m suspended somewhere without a solid ground for me to step on. Lately I even started questioning whether there even was “us” but then I see the pictures of us together and my heart breaks again. I know in my head that he is gone, I will never see him again, and yet I “feel” him close. It feels like I’m loosing my mind.

Everything you wrote could have been written by any of us...sometimes I go to my files and look at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate, I look at his handwriting...picture of us together, yes he really existed.  So why does it feel like I dreamed him up then?  Because it feels like forever since he's been here with me, since we had "our life."  

For people to tell you to stop moping or move on, is so inappropriate!  How would they like it in your shoes and someone told them that?!  They truly don't get it.  There is no moving on from it, only learning to live with it, and that's a tall order.

Somewhere around the six month period (give or take a few months) reality sets in.  Support dries up, people go back to our lives, they tire of our grief.  We realize when the phone rings, it's not going to be our spouse, when someone drives in, it's not them either.  We no longer expect it, new ways have begun to replace our old routines that were part of our life together, so much a part of our existence.  

Feeling crazy is part of it...we're not, of course, as you can see we have all felt this. 

[AnnaT]

Thank you for your support! It means a great deal to me to hear from people who are going through the same experience as me. It’s especially helpful since I can’t talk about it with anyone around me. I’m glad that I found this forum. I’m glad that I can share my thoughts and feelings with this community. I appreciate every response that I get. Thank you again!

 

 

 

[KayC]

And we're glad you're here!