Why did he do it if he was looking forward to the future with me?

[Kera]

Can anyone help me figure out the impossible? Why... why... why, I know the answer can  never be known but I have to ask for insight from anyone who may have suffered a smilier tragedy. The man I was seeing (and crazy about ) took his own life without any warning. Although suffering from depression, he seemed to have it in control with medication, he seemed well to us all. Family. Friends. Me. His last text to me was "How are you?" He was going to work, he left the house acting normal. He never made it to that destination. He told everyone how happy he was with me in our new relationship, how much he liked me, what a lift it gave him to have such a beautiful and nice girl. Then something odd, he told a friend that he never wanted to hurt me. He has though hurt me more than he ever could alive, by leaving his life. How I would have given anything for him to reach out, get help to get better. Live. Why if he confided  things to  me, didn't he tell me he was about to kill himself?  Was it a snap decision? Did he just fool us all?  The pain is only compounded with the not knowing if there was anything that could be done. Of course he left no note and no clues at all. Can anyone offer any idea? Many thanks for reading this.

[KayC]

Kera, I am so sorry for your loss.  It seems impossible to understand the world of one mentally ill, but I doubt it was deception or pretense.  I think, rather, his love was real, he meant the things he told you but had inner struggles he felt were too much to withstand at the moment.  I had a friend that commit suicide.  He was seeing a psychologist, on anti-depressants, had an appt. for the next day to address the Rxs & effectiveness...but he killed himself, in his truck with his dog next to him (he didn't kill the dog) and it was a shock to all of us, his family & friends and coworkers.  The moment they end their suffering, ours begins.  

I wish I had answers, but it seems the more we try to delve into it, the more questions we have.  There is a suicide section on here you might want to read on there as well.

My heart goes out to you.  I know your pain is tremendous, sense of betrayal and letdown...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Kera]

Much gratitude for your healing words and comfort. Bless you.

 

[steveb]

KayC is a saint for sure.
 

I’m so sorry for your loss Kera. I know it’s extremely hard, but you can’t blame yourself for what happened.  The what if scenarios will only cause you more pain.  You are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless, Steve 

[Kera]

Thank you so much, Steve. This support helps because I keep feeling like it is a nightmare that I will wake up from but can't seem to do so.

[Sparky1]

Kera, I am sorry for your loss. It's natural to be hard on yourself. We all go through it and wonder what we could have done differently, if we did enough, if we could go back in time, etc. I don't think you had any control on how your partner was feeling inside. Coming here will be a big help for you, as we can relate to your loss. It's not easy for any of us.

[SSC]

@Kera my husband took his life approx 2 1/2 years ago.  He was under stress at work but for the most part we were happy.  We had been together for 35 years.  High school sweet hearts, best friends.  We could talk about anything. We did everything together.  One weekend I had become upset over something trivial regarding losing free flights we had “earned” on our credit card.  Our home suddenly had a feeling of “darkness” in it.  I don’t have adequate words to express this strangeness..

next morning while I was at work, he did it.  He text me something to the effect “ this needs to happen, it’s better this way”

I absolutely couldn’t comprehend what he was getting at.  I didn’t understand it and also couldn’t believe he was headed in this direction...

regardless, by the time I rushed home it was too late.

Like you I have spent countless hours, weeks, months trying to figure out why.  I of course blame myself on a level others don’t because I KNOW I could have stopped him if he would have given me the chance to speak to him....Something my therapist told me has made the biggest impact on my way of thinking:  suicide is not a rational way to fix a problem.  
 

the point is, they were not rational.  I think my husband snapped.  I think he was holding on for a long time under his stress and when the brain chemicals became messed up  (my husband was also depressed and on meds)  the decision to end the pain overrides everything...He couldn’t see past the pain...

I also have a theory on how his many concussions could have altered his rational.

But now,  this far into my loss and grief I have had to come to terms with not ever really knowing why.  My husband did leave me a text that sheds light on a confused and misguided way of thinking that he hid very well.  This took me months of analysis and therapy to come to my conclusions.  Give it time to work through your thoughts.  Think back to previous conversations that in hindsight might shed a different light on the situation. 
 

But please always remember he said he loved you and he was happy being with you.  Believe it 100%.  That is what matters.  Be kind to yourself and if you need someone to talk to more in depth about your situation please feel free to message me.

 

[Kera]

I thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I am so sorry for your loss, for everyone on this site who understands the pain of loss and I am grateful for any advice because the support means everything. My beautiful Michael's body has not been recovered and may never be. Please pray it does for his family, especially his mother. The pain overwhelms me sometimes, with such a forceful pain in my stomach like I have been hit hard. Working through this grief is so raw. It will be a week tomorrow since he made the decision that we all have to live with. Agony.

[steveb]

Praying right now Kera; for you, Michael, and his family. 

[Kera]

Thank you. I want to be there to support them, that is why I am here for strength to be able to do that. Honoring Michael. Gratitude to you for the help.

[Perro J]

Kera,

I too wish to express my sincere condolences. It is my opinion that the hardest question is "Why?" I wish I had an answer for you. One of my greatest frustrations with all of this is that I don't know I will ever have an answer as to why. I know too that early on I'd get comments like "Oh, you're so early in your grief..." and I felt like screaming "Do you think I chose to be here at all, much less what time I was going to show up?" I know you recognize the rawness of this. Please go easy on yourself here in the beginning and keep the goals simple. Just get through each day as best you can. I am sorry that you're here - but now that you are - welcome.

[Kera]

Thank you for your understanding and support. It helps not being alone, being here with understanding and compassionate people.

[KayC]

Kera, I hope you can feel our arms of love and support surrounding you from cyberspace...all of these responses so caring, but especially @SSC as spoken from someone who understands from own experience.