Grieving but not feeling

[Lisa moore]

Feel like I am just moving just moving without me doing it just feels routain but I have no feeling I feel just num

 

[jmmosley53]

Hello Lisa,

I am so sorry for your loss, but I am glad you found this site.  It has been a big help to me this past year.  The people here understand what we are going through, because they are all are going through similar situations.

I understand that you are feeling numb.  Sometimes there is just so much pain, longing, confusion, fear etc. that your mind can't sort through so many emotions so, to protect you it pushes it all into your subconscious leaving the conscious numb.  

It is perfectly normal to feel like a robot.  Just going through the motions of daily life is normal.  For right now let that be enough.  

Your grief is going to go through so many waves as your mind begins to process what has happened.  Be kind and gentle with yourself.  Getting out of bed and eating breakfast is an accomplishment.  Give yourself kudos for doing that.

Try to just take one minute, one hour, one day at a time.  Come here and vent, cry, or whatever you need to do.  

Your grief is all consuming so let the world turn without you for right now. 

[steveb]

Lisa, I very sorry for your loss. jmmosley53 is so right.  The numbness and pain are debilitating, but it will lessen. Deal with tasks that you can handle.  If some complex tasks or issues come up that must be addressed, ask a trusted friend or family member to assist you or do it for you.  God bless, Steve 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Lisa moore said:

Feel like I am just moving just moving without me doing it just feels routain but I have no feeling I feel just num

 

We want to welcome you here, but are sorry anyone else has cause to be here, we wish it were otherwise.  That said, it was a grief site such as this one that literally saved me nearly 16 years ago when my husband suddenly and unexpectedly died just after his 51st birthday.  It's been the hardest journey of my life!  I have learned so much since that time and I want you know it won't always feel as intense as it does right now.  We are here for you when you are ready to share your story with us.  
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.