I seriously want to die.

[Dawn Wms]

I am so disconnected from the rest of the world. Even the people who loved my husband the most, such as his children, are able to carry on with life.  I am not.  I just want to die. 

[Gail 8588]

I know how that disconnect feels. Like you are already not part of this world - why can't I just go to the next. This being in limbo - between life and death - is so unstable, so untenable, it is unbearable. Death will only bring relief. 

I was stuck there for 3 years.  I felt I was losing my mind. 

I don't know why some people get stuck there for so long.  Other people move through it more quickly.   I don't even know how I got unstuck.  But I did. I made it back to the living world. 

Three things that I think helped me were:  1.) looking for, and acknowledging out loud, all the small joys in my day.  Like the delicious taste of cinnamon sugar toast with my tea in the morning; a flower - even if it was just a flowering weed in my yard; my dog comforting me; etc.  Making my mind see these good things helped break the grip of my dispair.  2.) Trying to learn something new.  I took up teaching myself piano. Somehow this effort of teaching myself something new, reset my brain to think there is a future ahead that is different from the past. 3.) Acknowledging that I wanted to live again.  Oddly, the Covid pandemic helped with this one.  Death was suddenly very accessible.  I found myself very actively trying to avoid catching the virus. I was wiping down my delivered food orders with my sanitizing wipes.  My actions showed I really didn't want to die.  I took note of that and said it aloud, often. 

Maybe these 3 changes did not cause my mind to reconnect with the living world. Maybe it was just finally my time to shake off my zombie existence.  I don't know.  I did feel at 3 years, I was at the end of my rope.  I couldn't go on as I had been.  

Dawn, I am so sorry you are in this place of dispair.  I hope you will find your path out soon.  Your path  very likely will focus on different things than I mentioned here.  I am just sharing what I think was helpful to me. 

Hugs

Gail

[jmmosley53]

Dawn Wms,

I have been were you are.  It is so depressing and painful.  I imagine all your energy is depleted.  Death seems like the easy escape.

Pause and think - if a stranger put his hands around your neck would you struggle to get away?  If someone held your head under water would you fight for air?

I am thinking that you would answer yes.  Right now your life is painful, but it will not always be.

Death is for a very long time - don't rush to get there

 

[JohnB]

{{{{HUGS}}}}

I think most of us who have suffered such tremendous loss feel this way from time to time. I’m certainly on that list. I’ve read it before that it’s not so much we want to die but rather stop the pain we’re feeling. 

The messages posted above are good. Mostly I’d say talk to someone. Anyone. 

[Sparky1]

Dawn, you're not alone with this feeling. I get it too. For me it's the longing to be with my wife. The feelings of loneliness, emptiness, the heartache are very tough to endure. She isn't coming back, so I have to bide my time until I can go and be with her. Everyone has given great advice and I do some of the same things. One of my greatest comforts is when I'm at work and can't wait to go home. Or the weekend's coming up and I have a couple days off. Trust me it's not easy for me, but I just crawl along.

[surfer]

Dawn,

I feel the same. I'm in one year and four months of this torture! I have my adult sons living with me. I'm not alone. We talk about our dad every day.  I'm working from home. I'm busy.... None of this helps. I feel bad or very bad. The "windows" of feeling "OK" happens but not very often and for a very short time. Sorry!!!

[Diane R. E.]

Dawn; my heart goes out to you, as it does to all of us on this site. It's been a little over 5 months since my husband passed away, and the depression is really setting in. I have such a profound sense of sorrow that it's left me extremely despondent lately. I'm not suicidal, I just don't want to go on with this new life.

[KayC]

I think we all feel this at times, especially in early grief.  like Gail, looking for what I call the "small joys" in life, acknowledging them and embracing them with gratitude helps me live in the present moment...esp. now that my "big joy," George, is gone.  Also, staying in today, the Bible says tomorrow has enough trouble of it's own, I agree!  So I take one day at a time. I figure I can do today.  Anything more than that can overwhelm me and invite anxiety.

Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is conjuring up the "want to."  That's why we lose interest in things we formerly enjoyed.  Life can lack meaning but you can find purpose again, it's a journey of discovery and it can take quite a while to get there. Try not to be daunted by how long it takes, it takes what it takes and it's not a marathon.

[ScotJ65]

@Dawn Wms I know exactly how you feel. I've lost count of the number of times I've imagined no longer being in this cruel, unjust world, but instead making the progression to an infinite, perfect paradise with the love of my life. It feels so beautiful and tangible it often consumes me. I know in my heart that one day it will happen. But for now, I'm going to keep going, and find a purpose on this earth. Even if it is with a heavy heart. My thoughts are with you and I pray you can find the strength to do the same. Be kind to yourself.

[LoveNeverDies]

@Dawn Wms (((( Huge Hugs))))) My heart breaks for you . I’ve been in that deep depression where I saw absolutely no reason to go on. I’d just sit at home and my thoughts would take me deeper and deeper into that darkness.Going back to work gave me a purpose and a distraction.Have you talked to your doctor about what you’re going through? Maybe a grief counselor could help you through. I hope you never feel alone , we’re always here !! 

[Perro J]

Her and I used to joke with each other when we found ourselves talking about things that we were a little too old to expect to still accomplish in this lifetime. "In the next life..." we'd say; then smile or laugh together. We had no idea at the time what was about to happen.

This is why it now feels so reasonable to me. To get to the next life. It's where she is and I cannot reach her from here.

After my divorce I liked to joke that my retirement plan was a 40 caliber hollow point. It's not a very funny joke.

I hit the 8 month mark this week and it has been a wave hitting me. I am deeply depressed and feel that same disconnection you describe. I do things that used to be things that I felt defined me, made me feel good - even joyful at times. Now I do them as distractions. To take my mind off my misery, even if only for a few minutes at a time. Now I do them but I don't get the dose of happy. I just get a few minutes away from the dark thoughts of losing her.

I get how you feel.

I came across the following the other day: Suicide does not end the depression. It just passes it along to someone else. If that is true, I can't do that to someone else.

 

[steveb]

1 hour ago, Perro J said:

I came across the following the other day: Suicide does not end the depression. It just passes it along to someone else. If that is true, I can't do that to someone else.

This is true.

 My wife committed suicide. Chong had many health issues, many prescriptions, and I believe the last one was so strong it caused her even more physical pain and mental anguish.  I miss her so much. There were times that I thought to myself, “what the hell am I doing in this world”.  Loss of a loved one is pain enough, suicide compounds that pain. In the end, all that matters is that she loved me and the kids.  

[Dawn Wms]

Thank you all for your support.  I am just so desperate.  I truly don't know how to survive this.  My husband was my everything.  It's like my life has been stripped down to next to nothing.  And what little is left for me doesn't mean a whole heck of a lot.  I know now that there really is only one thing that is important in your life.  It's too bad we spend so much time worrying about the trivial, materialistic stuff.  And yet other people still do.  They complain about the most banal things and I want to say, but you have your loved ones!  But it just doesn't work that way.  In normal life we complain about this and that. My life is simply no longer normal.  I would give anything to have my husband, best friend and soulmate back.

[TLN]

21 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I know how that disconnect feels. Like you are already not part of this world - why can't I just go to the next. This being in limbo - between life and death - is so unstable, so untenable, it is unbearable.

...

I was stuck there for 3 years.  I felt I was losing my mind. .

...

..reset my brain to think there is a future ahead that is different from the past. 3.) Acknowledging that I wanted to live again.

...

Maybe it was just finally my time to shake off my zombie existence.  I don't know.  I did feel at 3 years, I was at the end of my rope.  I couldn't go on as I had been.

I know it too, the disconnect. This feeling of "unreality" that plagues me since my Father died. The life of my Best Friend ended on May 2nd of 2018 and nearly three years later I am in the world but not of it. I question often if I am able to survive this, this Grief. But then I tell myself: I will not commit suicide. I will not. I must live until the day that I go home and finally see him again after what feels like an eternity in Grief. I know my Father will be there waiting; he'll rejoice with me. But the wait is long, so long. I miss him; I want him--now. And every day I feel the pangs of death consuming me. End of the rope and losing my mind, for sure. But I must live. I will to live. This Beast, this Grief is conquerable; I know it. The only question is, When? Till then, keep going. I know that is what my Father would tell me to do--if he could. Thanks for the post. TLN.

[Patsy.H]

My husband passed February 8 he was diagnosed with cancer end of December. We had been together for 32 years, he just turned 48 January 12 in the hospital.

I am feeling the same way you are, nothing in this house matters, why did we get a new couch? Why did we paint the basement??? I don’t even care about anything anymore. Everyone is so happy that nice weather is upon us but it just means that there is stuff I won’t be able to do with him.  Sometimes I if I’m not crying I feel like I should be, I wish it was me and not him. I hate being here without him.

I have been reading these posts in hope it would help me through but to be honest when people are writing it’s been 8 months or a year or 3 years.... and they still feel the same, I don’t want to feel like this in 3 years.  I just don’t see the sense, if I didn’t have children, even though they are grown, or animals I think I would find a way because I hate it here

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Perro J said:

Suicide does not end the depression. It just passes it along to someone else. If that is true, I can't do that to someone else.

So true.  In the same way, when our spouse's suffering ended, ours began.  I, too, could never take my life because of what it'd do to my kids and sisters, let alone the pets I've had.  
But that doesn't mean the thought hasn't occurred to us at some time or another, it just means we push through.  Usually, for me, the worst anxiety hits in the middle of the night, in the morning my thoughts and feelings are usually better, so I make myself wait it out until morning, go on a walk, help myself through it.

Each of your stories are so relative, so valid, and I wish I could embrace all of you, tell you how much your own personal story means to me.  I wish I could help you through this.  I truly care.  I know this is hard.  Oh God, how I know it!

[DMB]

I too know this feeling.  Next week will be 10 months and a couple of weeks ago I finally picked up the phone and asked for some help.  The depression was really putting a lot of stress on my body.  My ear was ringing, I had pressure in the back of my head, and I was starting to be affected by noises.  In short, I thought my head was going to explode.  I'm on a low dose anti depressant and those symptoms are now gone. Whether it's medication, a support group, please don't be afraid to ask for help.  I have been greeted with nothing but support following this latest episode, and I will keep going this way until I finally find those small joys and a purpose to a widows life.  Take care.  

[steveb]

41 minutes ago, DMB said:

I have been greeted with nothing but support following this latest episode, and I will keep going this way until I finally find those small joys and a purpose to a widows life.  Take care.  

Simply awesome DMB!    

[Perro J]

5 hours ago, Patsy.H said:

when people are writing it’s been 8 months or a year or 3 years.... and they still feel the same

I have felt this discouragement as well. I came here hoping to get well. To feel like I did before. To be restored. In some contexts, this is how we use the word better. I wanted to feel better. To clarify, I do not feel the same as I did 8 months ago. I do not cry as often nor as intensely. If we get a cold or a headache and it goes away, we say we feel better. I don't feel better in that way when we are talking about grieving. The only way the word better fits is if I use it in a way that means improved, or more accurately, not as bad as before. There has been progress or even improvement - but there has also still been a permanent loss. When people ask me how I am doing I am tempted to respond "Well, she's still dead. She is still not texting nor calling." The fact is that without her I doubt it can ever be as good as it once was. Maybe that is wrong. The harsh reality is that I may need to change my expectations. Like the lost limb analogy I think I need to learn to live in accommodation to the loss. Life will not be like it was. That is not to say that purpose and meaning cannot be found in life again. That is also not to say the remainder of my life is not worth living; even though I feel that way at times.

[TLN]

1 hour ago, Perro J said:

I have felt this discouragement as well. I came here hoping to get well. To feel like I did before. To be restored. ...but there has also still been a permanent loss. When people ask me how I am doing I am tempted to respond "Well, she's still dead...." The fact is that without her I doubt it can ever be as good as it once was. Maybe that is wrong. The harsh reality is that I may need to change my expectations. Like the lost limb analogy I think I need to learn to live in accommodation to the loss. Life will not be like it was. That is not to say that purpose and meaning cannot be found in life again. That is also not to say the remainder of my life is not worth living; even though I feel that way at times.

Yes, I agree that life is still worth living; where there is life there is hope--always. As strong as the desire to die is at times, and there have been many for me; still life is better than death. I am convinced of this. I will to live. It seems in this abyss that life will never be good again; that life will never be the same or as good as it was when my Father was alive. Things people who do not understand grief say to comfort are, at times, nothing more than platitudes. Still, despite these types of people, I do believe restoration is possible. More than that, indeed restoration will happen, no matter how hopeless life feels now that he is gone. Thank you for posting. TLN.

[KayC]

I so agree with everything that is written here, that where there is life there is hope, that the pain doesn't have the same intensity today as it did on day one, that we get better at adjusting/coping/learning to live with this, even while life is not the same as it once was and never will be.  One thing remains constant and that is that nothing killed our love and it still continues both on their part and on ours, and we have the hope if we have faith to believe that we will be with them again one day...and that helps me to go on no matter what I face.

I have learned more in this journey than I could ever adequately express...confident in myself, I have learned to be my own best friend and to value myself.  And I know he is proud of me.

[borbzgirl]

I feel the same. His family seems to have moved on, made peace with reality... But I cannot make peace with it, it's so hard for me to. It hurts too much.

[KayC]

Someone asked me this morning on my other grief group 

22 hours ago, nashreed said:

Was your first year a balance of "fun" and being withdrawn?

Are you friggin' KIDDING me!!!  "Fun"??? does not even enter into my mind that first year!  Terror, horror, shattered, friends all deserted me pronto!  Lost the love of my life, my partner, best friend, soulmate!  To add to it half our income gone and medical/hospital/ambulance bills poured in!  I didn't know how I'd pay them!  I remortgaged my house...then my dream job ended, beginning of recession, no one wanted to hire me, the first time I'd experienced age discrimination.  To put the word "fun" into the mix sent my blood cold!

You bet it hurts!  It's hard to survive it all!  To just get out of bed every morning and to breathe, let alone think of eating something healthy for you, well that is more than enough during this horrific adjustment.  My life ended and struggle began.

[Yoli]

Ummm why on earth would that person think it was "fun"? F+&#$n really?????

[Gail 8588]

Clearly the person asking had no clue at all.  I can only assume that in their naivety, they were thinking that instead of life  being fun and happy all of the time, a grieving person might only see the fun in life half the time while being withdrawn and grieving half the time. 

It is hard to imagine giving a controlled response, that no it isn't a 50- 50 split, regular fun/happy life 50% and 50% withdrawn and grieving.  It's pain/ confusion / anger/ fear / guilt, more pain 100%  of the time and seeing fun or feeling happiness 0 % of the time. 

Good luck Kay in helping her to understand.  

Gail

[Sparky1]

How could anyone have fun losing their partner? I guess this person didn't really lose their partner or didn't love him/ her.

I know for me it's been the opposite of fun, it's been more literally excruciating pain. Feelings of emptiness, loneliness, despair, actual physical pain. Headaches, chest pain, sinus pain, stomach ailments, the list goes on. Losing my wife has devastated me,  I don't know if I can have fun anymore.

[widower2]

I won't even comment further on the idiocy of the "fun" comment. Clearly one made by someone without a functioning brain. 

 

On 3/18/2021 at 8:48 PM, Perro J said:

I came across the following the other day: Suicide does not end the depression. It just passes it along to someone else. If that is true, I can't do that to someone else.

Bravo sir. Frankly if my parents had not been alive and I didn't inherit her/our dog...I might not be here typing this, because after her loss I had basically nothing else. Nothing. Our "friends" disappeared, I'm not close to my family, I wasn't employed, I could go on, but you get the picture. But I couldn't do that to my parents (and good thing because my sister passed 2 yrs later) or our beloved dog. 

Dawn, as far as how to survive this, I know it's a stupid cliche, but it's true: one day at a time. This is a battle in the trenches. Celebrate any victory you can, even the tiniest of ones, like surviving the day, even if that day was spent mostly hiding under the covers or vegging out on TV. 

 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Clearly the person asking had no clue at all.  I can only assume that in their naivety, they were thinking that instead of life  being fun and happy all of the time, a grieving person might only see the fun in life half the time while being withdrawn and grieving half the time. 

It is hard to imagine giving a controlled response, that no it isn't a 50- 50 split, regular fun/happy life 50% and 50% withdrawn and grieving.  It's pain/ confusion / anger/ fear / guilt, more pain 100%  of the time and seeing fun or feeling happiness 0 % of the time. 

Good luck Kay in helping her to understand.  

Gail

It was a "he" nashreed he apologized but like they say, some words can never be undone.  He is in his first year of loss.  WTH must he think of me to think MY first year was a picnic!  WTH!

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

Clearly one made by someone without a functioning brain

Probably that's more the case.  He has tremendous loss in his first year, I just don't get how he could think it's any different for the rest of us!  I posted an excerpt from a month after George died to show where MY head was at, at that time.

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

one day at a time

To me it's not a cliche, it's the best piece of advice I got, it's a motto I live by even now.

[Mrsmcd12]

My husband died in November from terminal cancer he was 45 I am 37 our children are 7 and 2. I don't want to die but I am in a bad place. I just want to live in bed I have no energy or motivation. I do nothing and feel guilty. The pain and loss I feel destroys me 

[Gail 8588]

MrsMCD, 

I am so sorry for your loss. He was so young. You were in those wonderful, busy, crazy years of school, sports, dance and drama of young kids growing into independent beings. I am so sorry you have been robbed of experiencing all that with your husband. It is completely understandable that you are lost in dispair. 

I had the luxury of having no one depending on me. I could stay in bed, or in my case often in the closet - closing out the world. 

I hope you have family that can help you with the children. I imagine there is a lot of time that you have to 'fake it' around them to appear stronger than you actually feel. But that is exhausting.  You need time to rest.  Your brain is actually trying to recover from a significant brain trauma. It takes time to heal. 

Try to focus on just what has to be done today, don't think about long term things - they are too overwhelming.  Try to carve out some time to be alone so you can  cry out or sob without the children near.

This is so unfair. My heart breaks for you and your family. 

Gsil

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Mrsmcd12 said:

My husband died in November from terminal cancer he was 45 I am 37 our children are 7 and 2. I don't want to die but I am in a bad place. I just want to live in bed I have no energy or motivation. I do nothing and feel guilty. The pain and loss I feel destroys me 

I am so sorry, I know it has been the hardest thing in the world for me to adjust to.  I didn't see how I could live a week without him yet it's been almost 16 years and I'm still here.  While our lives are forever changed, I want you to know it doesn't stay in this intensity forever, we amazingly begin to adjust to the changes it means for our lives, even while we continue to love and miss them.  He's always on my heart and mind, I carry him inside of me now and have learned to coexist with my grief.  The single biggest things I learned was to take a day at a time (I do it still) and to look for something good in every day...that was a big life-changer for me that I started practicing day 11.  It helped me anticipate good, embrace it when I found it, and live in the present so as not to miss anything good, and no matter how small, nothing was too insignificant to count.  I also learned that comparisons where real joy-killers, devaluing what "is."

I am glad you found your way here and hope you will continue to come here and read/post.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.