Survior's guilt?

[belovedoutcast]

I lost my mom in September due to complications with a stroke. I sat there with her the entire time, driving back and forth to her hostipal and my house which was 2 hours apart. Also due to covid, I was the only one allowed to see her 99% of the time. She was in the icu for about a month. Then she started to do better and we got to move her to rehab. A week after she got to move to rehab she passed away. I still wonder to this day if things would have been different if we made a different treatment plan for her. I keep having thoughts about how I shouldn't get to keep living if she can't. Why her and why not someone else. I'm not new to grieving but it just feels so different this time. I don't know where to go, what to feel, or really how to even cope. I'm still trying to figure out if it was a trauma to me and if I am dealing with survivor's guilt. Also if I am why am I struggling so hard with the idea that this could be a trauma, like why does it matter so much if I label it as one or not to myself. Does it even matter if I label it as one?

[reader]

Dear belovedoutcast,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Being a parent's primary caregiver affects how deeply we grieve for our parent. I know for myself I feel so responsible for my dad's passing.  I made a fatal error in his care. I told everyone it was my fault that he passed away and if not maybe he would still be here to see his grandchildren grow up. It's so hard. I don't think it would be wrong to call it a trauma to lose a parent when you've been through so much with them. 

You were under the impression your mom was getting better. For her to pass after she arrived at rehab is a shock. My dad's doctor told me that there was no sign he was about to pass and that he probably had 6 months or more. She told this us on Wednesday and he died on Friday.

I was so raw. 

Be kind and gentle with yourself. Everything you are thinking and feeling is part of your grief. A counsellor told me it takes on average of 18 months to feel better but it's different for everyone.

I found some additional supports at Aging Care and Grief in Common.

I hope you find something that will give you a little comfort and peace.

Thinking of you.

[Healing2021]

Hi, 

I feel similar I think. My dad died a few weeks ago and I was the primary caregiver. I go through my decisions every night, every morning. What if I had taken him to a hospital sooner, what if I didn’t have covid anxiety, what if I had gotten him checked by a different doctor. Even little things down to what I use to feed him or how I didn’t force him to exercise more. I think it’s so easy to blame ourselves because it’s so hard to think it was out of our control. But we truly feel it was in our control. 

When your mom got moved to rehab, you were given a sign that she was better. That was from medical professionals. I have to keep telling myself that I wasn’t a doctor and I did the best I could. This doesn’t always help but I hear to keep repeating it to yourself. You made the best decisions with the knowledge you had at the time, that’s the truth. 

It is trauma to lose someone you love, what you’re feeling is normal. You don’t have to label anything but you should try to recognize that you’re hurting and try to be gentle with yourself. Maybe it’s hard to think of it as trauma because it makes it real and you don’t want it to be?

I lost my mom when I was a teenager but am now an adult. This loss feels different as well. Maybe because I’m older, the processing is different? Our minds can adjust in some weird ways. 

This group is a good first place to come. I would also suggest individual therapy as well as group therapy. There are a ton virtual right now, if you need links reach out. 

I’m thinking of you. Grief and guilt go hand in hand and it’s what I’m struggling most with right now. I hear you when you say you aren’t coping. Please keep reaching out, and find more groups. I’m new to this, I hope everything I’ve said reads well.