Members Missy1 Posted March 16, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 16, 2021 Kind of upset just venting so I’ve learned to live barely making it paying for my bills it’s been 14 months and my nephew is hit the skids and my brother thinks because I have a big house that he should park him here. I have no money there are weeks that I just eat as little as possible. How I can I be expected to support someone else’s kid. They think because I live in a big house that I have money, but I can barely afford to live here. I am so angry right now, I feel sorry for the kid but I can’t support hm. Yet here I am stuck because they gave me no choice, ambushed . I want to move far away from my toxic family, I would rather die alone than be here taken advantage of...FML Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members steveb Posted March 16, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 16, 2021 Hello Missy1, I’m so sorry that your family is putting you through this. Is it possible for you to sell your home and downsize? Is there any chance that you might qualify for subsidized housing in your area? You have every right to do what you feel is right for you. Post and vent here to release your frustrations. God bless, Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JohnB Posted March 16, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 16, 2021 What a terrible situation for you. Dealing with such a significant loss is so hard in itself. Then to be taken advantage of. I wish I had some advice. Honestly, I'm just shocked. I'll share a sentiment my wife and I said often, "People suck!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted March 16, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 16, 2021 @Missy1 I really feel for you, that you've been thrust this huge responsibility. Your brother should be considerate and realize the terrible journey you're going through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark loves Sandra Posted March 16, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 16, 2021 Missy, I have experience with difficult family, so I offer this advice knowing the problems that go with it. Your nephew is your brother's responsibility -- he is the parent, and being a parent comes with a truckload of responsibility. To attempt to add to your burden at an obviously difficult time in your life is, at best, insensitive, and at worst, manipulative. Some might say the solution is to discuss and explain your situation with your brother/family, but I disagree. If someone is willing to push this idea despite your obvious discomfort, then it's not something that needs to be rationalized or supported -- it's your life. Unfortunately, you'll have to say "no" and be resolute about it -- no need to explain or justify. But there will likely be consequences to your family relationships and there's no way around that. Best wishes for this very difficult episode. --Mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jmmosley53 Posted March 16, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 16, 2021 Missy, If you can't have the your nephew stay with you then that's all there is to it; the answer is no. If your not comfortable saying no - write out house rules and make both the father and son sign it. Any deviation from the rules is immediate 'boot'. I believe that if your nephew is a minor than your brother needs to pay you room & board. Maybe not much but enough to pay for the additional food, lights, water etc.. If your nephew is not a minor than they have to find a job and go it it everyday. They will have to pay the room & board as long as they are with you, with 'boot' if they miss 1 time. Sounds strict but so what. And maybe your nephew can be of help to you, doing chores or running errands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 16, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted March 16, 2021 11 hours ago, Missy1 said: Kind of upset just venting so I’ve learned to live barely making it paying for my bills it’s been 14 months and my nephew is hit the skids and my brother thinks because I have a big house that he should park him here. I have no money there are weeks that I just eat as little as possible. How I can I be expected to support someone else’s kid. They think because I live in a big house that I have money, but I can barely afford to live here. I am so angry right now, I feel sorry for the kid but I can’t support hm. Yet here I am stuck because they gave me no choice, ambushed . I want to move far away from my toxic family, I would rather die alone than be here taken advantage of...FML Stick to your guns!! Please tell your brother that right now this is not the time to take on someone else, you not only cannot afford it but you barely eat. Let him think about that for a while. I can tell you from experience, that in our early grief, that would be the LAST thing in the world you need!! My daughter invited a friend to come stay here a few months after George died, it was a disaster! He drank, wouldn't help out, had no means of support, and I was afraid of him when he'd been drinking. Finally made him leave after five months, I felt bad as it was his birthday week but it was a result of HIS choices/actions and it needed to be done! Practicing saying NO in front of the mirror until it's easy, then repeat it to him. 4 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said: our nephew is your brother's responsibility Yep! HE needs to finish HIS parenting job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted March 16, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 16, 2021 Hi Missy. I know you said you were just venting, but I'm really worried about you. It does not matter one bit what your brother "thinks" should happen! It's his son and his son's problems--not yours! Just getting through the day is trouble enough for you right now. I agree with others that you should practice saying "no" and/or "you need to leave" and then do it as soon as possible. I want to give you a legal reason that you must do this right away if your nephew has already muscled his way in: Many states have tenancy laws and after X number of days, if the owner, landlord, or tenant on a lease has not given written notice and then enforced it--literally with LEOs if necessary--the squatter has legal rights to remain. There have been so many horror stories about things like this over the past year and some people have lost their homes--their homes, not someone else's--to "visitors." Please, I urge you in the strongest possible terms: Keep him out or get him out now, both for your own sanity and so that your obviously selfish brother and nephew don't try to take further advantage. (Do keep in mind that I am not a lawyer or legal professional of any kind, so this is coming from an extremely skeptical every day person who cares a great deal about you.) And I am very sorry that you have yet another stress piled on top of you. Just because it's a big house absolutely does not mean you can or should be expected to support others or share it with them. It is your house and your last refuge and shelter from the pain surrounding you. I bet anything that your brother is fully aware of how fragile and vulnerable you are right now. Don't let him bully or guilt you into this. Please. ((Huge hugs)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted March 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 17, 2021 Missy, I am so sorry that all of this is happening to you. It was just 'yesterday' that you and your husband were happy and comfortable. Then bam your world was turned upside down. (I know it was a year ago.) When my husband died, I was suddenly in a house I could not afford the routine monthly expenses by myself. We also had a decade of deferred maintenance issues (my husband was not a handyman and we were both procrastinators). It was a very strange sort of out of body experience but within 3 months of my husband's death I removed about 60% of the stuff out of our home and put the house on the market to sell. Thank God it sold quickly. It made all the difference in the world to me to be out from under that debt and maintenance pressure. You may want to consider selling your home. You could enlist your nephew to do lots of the heavy lifting, so to speak, associated with preparing the house for sale. Clearing out rooms, painting walls, fixing doorknobs and drippy faucets, improving the curb appeal. The kid may want to leave if there are all these chores to do! His dad may begin to understand that you need help. Just a thought. I know it can feel heartbreaking to move out of the home you shared with your sweetheart. But you have to face reality too. If you can't afford to be in this big house, it is better to address it sooner than later. You may have other options - such as setting up an air BnB or renting a bedroom out. But eating as little as possible is not really a plan forward. Not trying to be critical here. Just wanting you to be in a better circumstance. Sending you hugs. It is so miserable that everything is so much harder for us without our sweethearts by our side. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted March 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 17, 2021 20 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said: It is so miserable that everything is so much harder for us without our sweethearts by our side. Gail, this is a sentiment that I also think about every day. I looked to my wife to make a lot of decisions because she was very strong willed. I also wanted her to be happy and always asked her opinion first. Now that I'm alone, things are harder on me. I have to work, make dinner, clean the house, etc. I was grateful for what she did, and she was my helpmate, my other half. I feel so helpless now, so empty, so pessimistic. She was my strength, my happiness, and I miss her more than anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted March 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 17, 2021 Sparky1, My relationship with my husband was that I was his support. He was the focal point in our family. We were a team, for sure, but I was more "the wind beneath his wings". We had a very good life together, each of us doing what we were more suited to doing. Both of us proud of what we accomplished together. When he died, I no longer had a purpose. I am in the process of trying to develop a meaningful life without him. It is hard. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 17, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted March 17, 2021 Missy, you may have just wanted to vent, not hear advice, I get that...but we all come from a heart of caring about you so I hope you'll forgive us if we've overstepped. Love you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted March 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 17, 2021 Missy, I do apologize for over reaching. You will find your way through. You need to do what your heart tells you. We do hear you that it is so unfair what your brother is expecting of you. It makes us angry too. Peace, Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted March 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 17, 2021 3 hours ago, KayC said: Missy, you may have just wanted to vent, not hear advice, I get that...but we all come from a heart of caring about you so I hope you'll forgive us if we've overstepped. Love you! Indeed, Kay. I hesitated to post as Missy wrote that she was venting, but I too am worried about her and care so much that she tries to find the best situation for herself that I opened my mouth (so to speak) anyway. @Missy1 I suspect you may have felt "ganged up on" even though that's not how I or anyone else meant it. Please do let us know what you have decided and how things are for you. ((HUGS)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted March 18, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted March 18, 2021 Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses, it really helped me! Love this place ❤️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 18, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted March 18, 2021 I hope you feel us bathe you in our love! We really care about you. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted March 18, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 18, 2021 Hi Missy. You mentioned that you want to or maybe are thinking about moving away from your toxic family. That might very well be the best thing for you both emotionally/psychologically and financially. I can't imagine how hard it would be for you to leave the place that was your refuge of love together. Even with all the repairs and maintenance that still needs to be done to our home, and even though I sometimes get so angry or frustrated that he's not here to finish his projects or do stuff together or make choices, I don't want to leave it. I know that some day I may very well have to and that's a scary thought. But if you ask yourself what your husband would think about it (not what he would "want" or "tell you" to do) and let that sit in your heart for a while, you may find the right answer is to take your good memories and your love and whatever possession matter to you and move to a place where you will at least find a modicum of peace, away from people like your brother and nephew. If you've already been thinking about this for some time, then perhaps this specific toxic and stressful situation will help you make a firm choice. Either way, what happens now will be stressful, painful, and no doubt result in further anger at the people who are supposed to love you trying to take advantage. Certainly it seems it would make sense from a financial standpoint, even though that's often not the first thing we consider when we are trying to just get through the day and keep breathing. But perhaps a more affordable home would also allow you to reduce some stress and take better care of yourself. You are worth it and you do matter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted March 20, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted March 20, 2021 Thank you so much everyone, really appreciate the replies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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