Grief in the midst of bad news

[Its me carolyn]

I don't even know where to start. My partner died of cancer just two months ago and now I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. Diagnosed on the 2nd month anniversary of his passing and ironically I happened  to be the same age as my mother was cancer took her as well. 

[Sparky1]

@Its me carolyn
I am sorry for the loss of your partner. I also pray that you beat this cursed cancer , as I lost my wife to cancer. Hers was very rare and by the time it was discovered, it was too late. Life is unpredictable, and like everyone on this site, it has been turned upside down with the loss of our partner.

[SDC]

Carolyn. Oh my gosh. I'm sorry you received such difficult news so soon after losing your love. Your grief is raw and fresh and I know how exhausting and overwhelming early grief feels. It's inexplicable when life deals life life changing blows on top of one another. It's unfair and maddening. There's no sense to made of why/when things happen. Do you have a good--or at least decent--support system? Is there someone (or more than one someone) you can call/talk to whenever you need? I hope you do. I know for me that talking or writing helps, even if the comfort either provides is fleeting. Please return here to vent/scream/bitch/whatever. Be kind and patient as you get through hour by hour right now. Sending peaceful thoughts and a hug from an internet stranger. 

[CharMae.Martin]

Hello my name is Mae,

My husband David passed away on February 10,2021 from cirrohosis of the liver at age 39.Our Daughter passed shortly after I delivered her and two weeks after his Father died and a week after his Father his Aunt.He started drinking heavily then "3 deaths in a month".We are both nurses so you would think he would have known better when 2 years ago the Dr.told him he had no other choice but to stop or die.He had cardiac arrest while being in the hospital and passed shortly after.We have 3 children 12 year old and twin 7 year olds.But, I'm embarrassed when people ask what he passed of because he was a alcoholic. I just lie and say it was heart failure. I look back and think about how good of a Dad ,Husband and all around person he  was when he was not drinking.  I wish he would have listened to the Dr. I just need someone to talk honestly to here.Thank You

[jmmosley53]

Hello Carolyn,

I am very sorry for your loss.

As a cancer survivor I know the scare the word cancer invokes, especially when it it applied to ourselves.  To be told that X out of Y people go into remission or have no reoccurrence is nice but meaningless.  You only want to know how you will do.  That is how it is supposed to be.  Having cancer is a full time job.  

That you have this diagnosis while in such an early stage of your grief over the loss of you partner is horrible.  I am sure you are beyond, worry and depression.  

Please let you oncologist know that you have lost your partner.  They might be able to prescribe medication to help you cope.

Even though your grief takes your appetite away, force yourself to eat good nutrition.  Your body will need to be as strong as you can make it to endure treatment.

Get lots of rest and take very gentle care of you.  

[KayC]

Hi @Its me carolyn, welcome to our group, I am so sorry for your loss and your own diagnosis as well.  I do hope you don't assume the worst, that yours will be the same as your mother's, but try to give yourself positive affirmations as you will need them in your trek.  One of my best friends survived stage IV breast cancer several years ago and is now enjoying the sunshine in Mexico.  Let's hope and pray this for you also.  (BTW that was my first name as well, until I switched my first and middle names as my family always called me Kay).  I hope you find tremendous support and comfort here, reading and posting, we want to be here for you as you go through this.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[DMB]

17 hours ago, Its me carolyn said:

I don't even know where to start. My partner died of cancer just two months ago and now I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. Diagnosed on the 2nd month anniversary of his passing and ironically I happened  to be the same age as my mother was cancer took her as well. 

So sorry.  I had breast cancer 2017/2018.  I'm also a member at bc.org.  My husband cried and took it really hard, but I told him I didn't think it was going to kill me.  I don't like being called a survivor either, as my lifetime risk is still too high, so until I die from something else, THAT's when you know you're a survivor.  Sometimes, we're all just out here waiting for the other shoe to drop.   Just a few years later, he gets the fatal cancer diagnosis.  At the very least, I understood what it was like to hear those words.  

 

 

[Gail 8588]

Carolyn,

I am so very sorry for your loss and for your diagnosis as well.  Life can be incomprehensibly difficult sometimes. 

I hope you have the support of family and/or good friends.

Don't give up hope. Many people survive breast cancer.  I have a good friend who has survived for more than 25 years and is still going strong. 

Accept help when it is offerred.  This is too much to try to be stoic. 

Hugs

Gail

 

 

[Gail 8588]

Mae, 

I am also so sorry for your loss.  Alcoholism is a heartbreaking illness for the entire family. 

I wouldn't feel bad about saying he died of heart failure.  It is not really anybody's business what he died of.  The important fact is that he is dead. You loved him and he is dead, and that is tragic.  It's way too big of a conversation to go into with most folks.  Your husband was much more than just an alcoholic.  He had so many wonderful attributes as a person, husband and father.  I can certainly understand your not wanting to label him as an alcoholic to someone who insensitively asks how he died.

The loss of his baby daughter, his father and his Aunt, all in such a short span of time took a terrible toll on his life and on your whole family.  I am so very sorry for your loss. 

Please come here and post, vent, cry, question, or just read other posts.  We each have our unique stories, some cared for their spouse through long illnesses, others lost their spouse unexpectedly, but we all have had our lives wrecked by the death of the person most important to us.  Our future plans destroyed.  The person we leaned on the most, our confidant, and best friend is gone. We understand how hard that is.  It doesn't matter that they were not perfect, or that we are not perfect. We loved someone deeply, that person is dead now, and we struggle to find a way to go on living.  

We are here for you and we will give you what comfort we can during this most terrible time. 

Gail

[KayC]

On 3/16/2021 at 8:47 AM, CharMae.Martin said:

Hello my name is Mae,

My husband David passed away on February 10,2021 from cirrohosis of the liver at age 39.Our Daughter passed shortly after I delivered her and two weeks after his Father died and a week after his Father his Aunt.He started drinking heavily then "3 deaths in a month".We are both nurses so you would think he would have known better when 2 years ago the Dr.told him he had no other choice but to stop or die.He had cardiac arrest while being in the hospital and passed shortly after.We have 3 children 12 year old and twin 7 year olds.But, I'm embarrassed when people ask what he passed of because he was a alcoholic. I just lie and say it was heart failure. I look back and think about how good of a Dad ,Husband and all around person he  was when he was not drinking.  I wish he would have listened to the Dr. I just need someone to talk honestly to here.Thank You

I am so sorry for your loss!  I agree, it's no one's business, tell them what you prefer.  BTW, up to half of our country has cirrohosis and doesn't know it because being overweight, or parasites or medicines can also cause it so people shouldn't assume they know anything.  The only one that can be reversed is fatty liver if someone loses weight.  I was diagnosed with it in 2014 but haven't had issues with it, lost the excess weight, but it could have been caused from Lipitor (which I've discontinued) or parasites I had years ago.  The only way to know if it's reversed is through an ultrasound and I haven't gotten one since, ins. doesn't cover it for that purpose.

You have been through a lot of losses and that is very hard, I am sorry for all of them.    http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

I want to welcome you here and hope you'll continue to come here and read/post, it helps us to express ourselves with others that "get it."  I also want to make sure you have this to print out and keep, reread throughout your journey as not everything in it will strike you right now, our journey is ever evolving and what we are ready for or need can change with that evolution.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[jmmosley53]

On 3/16/2021 at 10:47 AM, CharMae.Martin said:

But, I'm embarrassed when people ask what he passed of because he was a alcoholic. I just lie and say it was heart failure. I look back and think about how good of a Dad ,Husband and all around person he  was when he was not drinking.  I wish he would have listened to the Dr. I just need someone to talk honestly to here.Thank You

Hello Char Mae.Martin,

Please never be embarrassed to speak of your husband.  As you know being an alcoholic is just an addiction like a thousand other thing that people get addicted to.  

I believe that you loved your husband despite his drinking.  When an alcoholic drinks their mind is doing 'stinking thinking'  they are not able to think clearly enough to listen to advice about stopping the addiction.  His drinking was his problem and does not reflect on you in any way.

If it was me I might say he had been very ill.  This is not a lie.  You do not need share your husband personal business, but there is no shame for you or your children. 

Your husband was a loving man and father.

 

[Its me carolyn]

On 3/16/2021 at 12:08 PM, KayC said:

Hi @Its me carolyn, welcome to our group, I am so sorry for your loss and your own diagnosis as well.  I do hope you don't assume the worst, that yours will be the same as your mother's, but try to give yourself positive affirmations as you will need them in your trek.  One of my best friends survived stage IV breast cancer several years ago and is now enjoying the sunshine in Mexico.  Let's hope and pray this for you also.  (BTW that was my first name as well, until I switched my first and middle names as my family always called me Kay).  I hope you find tremendous support and comfort here, reading and posting, we want to be here for you as you go through this.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Thank you kay.  I've actually talked to you before. I've actually been on this site for a little while now since my partner passed but I had to start over because I broke my last phone and couldn't transfer my Gmail info and of course I don't remember the past code. I truly do appreciate everyone on here. I wish I could have kept my original face but I can't get into my email account so I've had to start over

[steveb]

Carolyn, I don’t know what to say except that my heart and prayers goes out to you.  You can beat this cancer.  Lean on your friends and family to help you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Once again, you can beat this. 

[steveb]

Mae, my very deepest condolences.  I can’t even fathom what you are going through. We are here for you. This forum has become a refuge and sanctuary for me. It can do the same you. This is a great community. Let it help you. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

I believe that you loved your husband despite his drinking.

My dad was an alcoholic, so I raised my children without it in the home.  Many bad memories.  But I loved him and always will.  It is not all of who a person is.  It seemed to be his way of coping with the war (WW2) and my mom, who was seriously mental.  We always understood him but that didn't always mean it was easy to go through.  It doesn't take away our love for them or who they are.

17 hours ago, steveb said:

You can beat this cancer.  Lean on your friends and family to help you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Once again, you can beat this. 

I echo these thoughts and hope you take us with you on your cancer journey, we want to be a support to you!  

I am sorry about your email, I can't imagine losing mine, I've had it since 2006!  I hope you have an alternative email address this time to help you back in if needed.  Our whole lives are in our email!  I lost George and mine, we shared an account, I can get in but nobody warned me they'd delete everything!  All of his messages, etc. are just gone.  It was a netzero account, I have gmail now.

[Its me carolyn]

I can't tell you how grateful I am for the support of everybody on here. My heart truly goes out to everyone and everything we're going through. I do believe that through you guys I have found strength. My  journey continues I guess. I was actually going to have surgery tomorrow concerning my breast cancer but we have postponed it until next Friday. It seems there are more lamps on the other breast. So tomorrow I will be going in for more biopsies. I feel my partner with me everyday and I continue to talk to him every day as I have since he's passed but it's hard because I truly wish I could just have a conversation with him. The other day I found myself very mad and even outside yelling and screaming because he wasn't here to help me go through this as I helped him to go through his then my stepdaughter came outside and put me right in my place. She says now Mom I would just stop that if I were you because he is here with you and you're probably hurting his feelings I had an interesting sensation feeling his arms around me as soon as she said that. It was just a moment. I believe he's here with me and he will help me get through this as I continue to heal concerning his death.  Sometimes it all seems too much. I mean I left work two Fridays ago saying I'll see you next Monday. Since then I have had 10 doctors appointments and next week I have six before surgery.  life certainly does have its curve balls. Thanks for reading and thanks for being there for me. 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Its me carolyn said:

I believe he's here with me and he will help me get through this as I continue to heal concerning his death. 

I wish you the best as you go through this and pray healing around you, I know he is with you.  I want to share a little story with you that shows they are here with us in spirit!

Shortly after George died, I lost my job, it was the beginning of the recession and the next job I landed was in the nick of time and I had great cash outlay on commuting expense, 100 miles a day.  My car got valve problems so I bought a new car that got better mileage but had payments.  One day I was laid off and after a year got called back part time.  I'd done my best to get another job during that year but no one would hire me, recession and age discrimination.  I'd applied to 350 jobs, any of which I could have done, but no takers.

One day I came to work and got notice my job was ending that day, to top it off my boss owed me for three months pay and it took me 13 1/2 months to collect from him.  Had I reported it to BOLI they would have shut the doors and I never would have been paid, so I tried working with him on it as well as hounding him.

I knew I was done.  I didn't file unemployment because I knew I couldn't go through that again, instead I took early retirement.  I waited for four years to file social security, trying to last until I was of age, but I'd needed a new roof the first week and inside of five years I needed five roofs (one on the house, three on the patio as the first two stiffed me, and one on the garage).  I ran out of money to tide me over.  I called social security to file, knowing I'd take a year's penalty that would last me for life...they didn't have record of two years fulltime work because the IRS had screwed up and wouldn't look into it, and my previous employer hadn't kept records they're required to.  Anyway, the lady at the soc. sec. office glibly told me I'd get $200+/month!  WHAT???!!!  I'd worked for 50 years!!!  It couldn't be!  But it sent me into a panic, my anxiety full bore!  I asked her to double check but she told me to call another office, and as I'd held for her for an hour, there wasn't time to reach anyone before a three day weekend.  

I had three long days to wait.  I laid on my bed, my mind reeling in a panic, and all of a sudden I felt George's hand on my back/shoulder, I'd know his touch anywhere!  INSTANTLY I felt calm!  I knew everything would be alright.  Tuesday I called the other number and the guy I got was wonderful and filed soc. sec. for me, even handling Medicare filing & deductions.  I didn't have to make an appt. or drive anywhere, he handled it all right then and there.  And it wasn't $200/month.  I figure she wanted to be off work and didn't care that she'd crashed my world, just thrown a number out there.  I was going to be okay.

I've never had anything happen like this (George's touch) before or since, but I knew he was with me all the time and it'd taken great effort on his part to cross the great divide between his dimension and mine, just when I most needed it.  Hold onto that thought...they are there...

[DMB]

carolyn, just want to wish you good luck with your biopsies.  Hope they are benign.  I had 3 and an MRI before surgery.  The beginning is the hardest part, really.  A whirlwind, if you will.  Once you're through surgery and get the pathology back and a treatment plan in place, you'll be like, wait, what just happened. I feel pretty good, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about cancer, especially when I have to look at the beat up boob, and my hair has thinned from the medication.  I also have a little anxiety before the follow ups, and tests, but it goes away right after.  Some women just go on like it was a bump in the road.  I'm somewhere in between I think.  It's still a serious disease.  Best wishes to you.

[Its me carolyn]

Thank you so much everyone. I had Imaging done before they made a decision. Decided that I didn't need a biopsy as you leave about this but at the same time nervous. Only because this is the same thing I heard a year-and-a-half ago when I had the first biopsy the tumor now having to have taken out but for now everything is okay. Monday actually going to have my gallbladder looked at as well and it might be having its own issues. That's cool that I can just take that out. I really liked your story K. Thank you as well as everyone else's. I can feel my partner with me quite often. I just miss him so much. Everything hurts. I think I'll be okay as long as I can keep my mental strength up. So far that seems to be the hardest part. 

On 3/19/2021 at 8:42 AM, KayC said:

I wish you the best as you go through this and pray healing around you, I know he is with you.  I want to share a little story with you that shows they are here with us in spirit!

Shortly after George died, I lost my job, it was the beginning of the recession and the next job I landed was in the nick of time and I had great cash outlay on commuting expense, 100 miles a day.  My car got valve problems so I bought a new car that got better mileage but had payments.  One day I was laid off and after a year got called back part time.  I'd done my best to get another job during that year but no one would hire me, recession and age discrimination.  I'd applied to 350 jobs, any of which I could have done, but no takers.

One day I came to work and got notice my job was ending that day, to top it off my boss owed me for three months pay and it took me 13 1/2 months to collect from him.  Had I reported it to BOLI they would have shut the doors and I never would have been paid, so I tried working with him on it as well as hounding him.

I knew I was done.  I didn't file unemployment because I knew I couldn't go through that again, instead I took early retirement.  I waited for four years to file social security, trying to last until I was of age, but I'd needed a new roof the first week and inside of five years I needed five roofs (one on the house, three on the patio as the first two stiffed me, and one on the garage).  I ran out of money to tide me over.  I called social security to file, knowing I'd take a year's penalty that would last me for life...they didn't have record of two years fulltime work because the IRS had screwed up and wouldn't look into it, and my previous employer hadn't kept records they're required to.  Anyway, the lady at the soc. sec. office glibly told me I'd get $200+/month!  WHAT???!!!  I'd worked for 50 years!!!  It couldn't be!  But it sent me into a panic, my anxiety full bore!  I asked her to double check but she told me to call another office, and as I'd held for her for an hour, there wasn't time to reach anyone before a three day weekend.  

I had three long days to wait.  I laid on my bed, my mind reeling in a panic, and all of a sudden I felt George's hand on my back/shoulder, I'd know his touch anywhere!  INSTANTLY I felt calm!  I knew everything would be alright.  Tuesday I called the other number and the guy I got was wonderful and filed soc. sec. for me, even handling Medicare filing & deductions.  I didn't have to make an appt. or drive anywhere, he handled it all right then and there.  And it wasn't $200/month.  I figure she wanted to be off work and didn't care that she'd crashed my world, just thrown a number out there.  I was going to be okay.

I've never had anything happen like this (George's touch) before or since, but I knew he was with me all the time and it'd taken great effort on his part to cross the great divide between his dimension and mine, just when I most needed it.  Hold onto that thought...they are there...

Thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. It really makes a difference.