Lost

[Patsy.H]

In December my husband was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, in January, the week he was to start treatment, he was told he was untreatable. February 8th he passed away, he was 48 years old.  We have been together for 32 years and married 25 with 5 girls and 3 grandsons.

I can’t talk to anyone in person about it because I just break down, I don’t want to see anyone or go anywhere because if I see someone I will just break down. I do have my children I talk to but I limit myself because I don’t want to upset them. I also have my mother in law but the same, I don’t wanna upset her.  I try to clean or do things around the house to occupy myself but it doesn’t help.

I can’t listen to music, i feel guilty eating certain things that he liked or would like, I feel guilty if I don’t think of him for a moment. Everywhere I look I see he’s not there and won’t be there, nice weather is coming and i can’t be glad for it because he is not here to enjoy it.

I would never do anything because I would never want to put my kids through that but I really don’t wanna be here without him. 

I am so lost without him, I am so heart broken and angry.  People around me say the worst things, yes I know they are trying to help and some really don’t know what to say and I understand that, but telling me at least you had some time to talk about things or how are you feeling now.... it just hurts

I don’t know if this will even help in anyway but I don’t know what else to do.

[KayC]

@Patsy.H I am so sorry you also find yourself going through this, life is so unfair!  My husband passed just after his 51st birthday, suddenly/unexpectedly...I came home from the hospital empty handed to his birthday banner still up.

Everything you write could have been penned by any of us, everything you are feeling/experiencing "normal" in grief.  I do hope you'll continue to come here and read/post.  It does help to express yourself with others that "get it."

I wish I'd printed a copy of these and handed them out at his funeral:
Cliches - answers to
What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[jmmosley53]

Hello Pasty H,

I am very sorry for your loss.

I think you'll find this site has lots of people that are going through the same emotional roller coaster that you are.

I hope that you are not suppressing your own grief in order to make others feel more comfortable.  It is kind of you to do but - to be honest those people (friends & family) are supposed to be comforting you.

It is so normal for you not to want to be here without him.  It hurts here, and it is hard to think about our loved ones without breaking down.  I personally break down all the time.

Please try your best to take care of yourself.  Breath, eat, and sleep as much as you can.  Grieving takes a huge physical toll on our bodies. Treat yourself with the utmost kindness.  You are in a fragile state.

Being at this site has been very helpful for me.  It is a place you can vent your rage, cry your sorrows, and met others who are going through very similar emotions as you are.

[AnnRA]

Hello Patsy H. - I lost my husband in much the same way. He was diagnosed with esophageal/stomach cancer on Oct 5 and died suddenly on Nov, 7.  I was totally in shock for the first 3 months and just coming out of that now. I lost 20 lbs without even knowing it, so you have to focus on eating and sleeping. DO get help from your doctor for that.   I am here for you when you want to talk further.  Come here often to this site, as we can help you.  My heart goes out to you — do talk with your family, gather them close around you and they can help, too. 

[KayC]

And if you don't feel like eating (understandable!) make healthy smoothies.  I used to make one of kale, yogurt, banana, applesauce, protein powder, rhubarb when I had it...I can't now because I can't eat the fruit because of my Diabetes, but there's tons of recipes on line.  

[ScotJ65]

@Patsy.H I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It must be an extraordinarily difficult time for you and your family. I too am experiencing the, at times all consuming, grief of losing my partner so I know how you must be feeling. My beautiful woman died in November of Huntingdon's disease. She started showing serious symptoms around Autumn last year and her decline was rapid. She was only 54. I'm glad you found the courage to come on here to share your story, you'll find plenty of support and hopefully some comforting words as well. There are many days I just don't want to be here either, would rather just leave this cruel, unjust world to be with her again. But I know that day will come eventually. Meantime, there must be a purpose to this life, even carrying the burden of a broken heart around every day. God bless you and never forget we're all here for each other.

[Sparky1]

@Patsy.H
I am very sorry for your loss as well. Here we can all relate to what you're going through as we all have lost the love of our life. My wife also had a rare cancer and she was practically given no hope. I couldn't understand how fast she went and I still find it difficult to come to terms with. She was given up to a year and passed away after a month and a half. I am devastated beyond comprehension, and some days I don't know where to turn to.

Coming here helps me stay sane, and I hope you can benefit from all of us that share our experiences with everyone.

[Patsy.H]

Thankyou all for replying. I appreciate you all trying to help me through.

 

[Patsy.H]

People keep telling me not to keep it all in, that not dealing with my grief will eventually come back in other ways.   How can I not be dealing with it?  
im not trying to “smart” I just want to idk “survive?
how do I know that I am dealing, it’s not something I can push away, it’s always with me......

thankyou all again 

 

 

[JohnB]

@Patsy.H

Your loss is as fresh as it is awful.  I'm only a month ahead of you, and I wish I could say it gets better.

All I can suggest is just keep working on a path forward.  It's one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.  I've come to expect most of these steps are very small, and a whole lot are backward. 

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Patsy.H said:

how do I know that I am dealing, it’s not something I can push away, it’s always with me......

You ARE dealing with it, the best way any of us know how, taking a day at a time, doing what you need to do, keeping going, not shutting it out all the time but trying not to let you overwhelm you either (a tall order for any of us!).  Trust in your own instincts.  They don't know, they aren't living this.