Saved some wild cats and now feel i shouldn't have

[JillSandwich]

Hello folks. It's been one hell of a day but I feel its best to probably start at the beginning.

Last year I used to work in a garage with a car park full of old beat up and scrap cars. One of these write offs was a camper van which suddenly one day became the home to 3 wee pure black stray cats. They weren't exactly kittens but maybe about 9, 10 weeks old.  I think they belonged to the farmer who stayed near by because he had a black cat that used to kick about, but he refused to take any responsibility of them saying "there wild cats now". Yeah, I understand that you get wild cats, but these wee guys were staying in a car park with lots of traffic flying past. It didn't sit well with me as the weather was just getting worse and the condition they were living in was really bad with smashed glass and engine oil everywhere, so I decided that I wanted to step in and rescue them. I should have just called the cats protection league to come out and get them, but I didn't want to see them getting split up. I live alone in my flat so didn't see any reason not to give it a shot.

So after tons of research and buying loads of books on cat care I felt pretty confident and after about 6 weeks of getting close and feeding them at lunch time and after work everyday, I managed to catch two of them on Halloween and the following one the day after. I have absolutely zero experience so from the minute I got them home it was a massive eye opener to me. They took a lot longer than I expected to accept me and not see me as a threat. After a week or so of being fed and having their own space they really started to come out their shells and approach me. It was amazing how different their personality's were. One was confident, one done whatever he did, and the other one was always tailing at the back still not sure if he wanted to accept me or not. I've taken it really slowly and not forced them into anything they don't feel comfortable with. They sometimes take a wee clap but 99% of the time its look but no touchy. It didn't take long until I was having to walk round about them instead of the other way about.

Last week I decided to start getting them neutered because I wasn't sure what sex they all were and the last thing I wanted was for them to start doing the romance dance and next thing you know, I've got another 5 kittens. I called the vets and booked in the smallest one because I had a feeling that she was a female because she had a different body from the other two. Tuesday came and I managed to get her over to the vets with only minor resistance. She was confirmed as a female so got the treatment and first dose of jags. I thought I was doing the right thing but didn't realize how the next few days would go.

After getting her home she was obviously pretty poorly due to the operation but I done everything possible to keep her comfortable and made her a wee spot in my bedroom where she could recover away from the other two. By the next day she was a bit stronger so thought she was cool to go back to the other two, but it didn't go down well. The other two growled and hissed at her so I always stepped in to make sure they didn't hurt her while she was still recovering. I assumed it was just the smell of the anesthetic. She started to pick up, take some food and some wee bits of cold meat from me. I notice a change in her personality straight away which meant she was more willing to take a wee clap. Everything changed last night though.

She seemed a bit down last night and after getting hissed at by one of the other cats so she got up from where she was and walked through into my bedroom and lay under the radiator, I was annoyed but quite happy with this so decided to just to go to bed and shut the door so she could have some space during the night from the others. I woke up early this morning to find her slumped in the corner breathing extremely weird. She seemed to be struggling and the breathing seemed to be very raspy. I obviously panicked because this was new and I guessed was pretty serious. The vets opened in only half an hour so the best I could do was just sit and do my best to comfort her as she lay there struggling. She made zero effort to get away from being clapped and kept letting out small weak meows. I felt terrible sitting there with her and knew something was up.

After getting her over to the vets she took her inside and I had to wait outside on the street due to covid restrictions. She came out about 10 minutes later with the news that she had fluid in her lungs and had put her on oxygen and painkillers but it did not look good. This caught me completely off guard but I knew from the way she had delivered the news how it was going to go. She told me to leave the cat with them and call back at 1 for an update.

It didn't even take 2 hours before she actually called me saying that the vet had done everything she could but the little cat was just getting worse and the most humane thing to so was put her to sleep due to her being in a lot of pain. Again, this information blew my mind. How can this be? She was fine until I brought her to you guys?! How could she have detreated so quickly? Did this happen because I got her neutered? Had I not looked after her properly after the operation? A million things rushing through my head. I couldn't believe what she was saying but there was nothing I could do, she's a vet, I'm a spray painter, she obviously knows more than I do and if she feels that's the most humane thing to do then I have to accept it.

Within the hour I had been to vets, collected her, brought her home and went straight into my back garden. I found a little spot beneath one of my trees and decided that I should bury her there. It was pishing it down with rain but felt that couldn't be more fitting considering the way I felt. I brought her out the carry box and just sat there with her in my lap clapping her for what felt like an hour, crying my heart out and telling her how sorry I was that I let her down. Now I'm a 35 year old dude who works in a garage. I consider myself a pretty stereotypical male but this has absolutely broke me. I feel totally responsible as it was my choice to catch them and bring them home. Also my choice to try and take this on myself and not get in touch with people who have better and more experience than I do. 

I'm absolutely raging at the other two cats as they have now buddied up and seem to have totally forgotten about her. Ever since coming back from the vets the first time they shunned her and I'm annoyed at them at that. I feel like the last few days of her life were shitty because of that and that makes me really sad. I tried my best to sit down next to her so that she didn't feel left out, but I imagine she just wanted to be sitting with her brothers. I'm more annoyed at myself though. I shouldn't have felt like I could do this myself and I will always hold myself responsible for this. I wish I had handled things differently from the start and am heartbroken for her that I only realize this now. Unfortunately its a Friday today but first thing Monday morning I will be calling the cats protection league and arrange for the other two to be taken into care by them.

I only knew little Chi Chi for less than a year and honestly didn't really own her. I was more a flat mate to her rather than an owner. She never sat on my lap and she never let me properly clap her, best I got was running my hand along her side as she ran past me and her rubbing against my leg as I prepared their dinner. She was always well fed, had plenty of toys, lots of warm places to snuggle up in and her bros to wrestle with. I've done my best to be as gentle and non threatening as I can and let them come to me on their terms. The short life she did have was hopefully better than the one she would have had living in that old beat up camper van in the car park. But I know I'll always feel guilty over this as everything was my choice throughout the whole process and I'm pretty sure I made a bad call by taking her to the vets in the first place.  I wish I had just given all three of them to the cats protection league long ago and let them deal with it all.

I apologize for the extremely lengthy post. It's just that I've never had full responsibility over an animal so this is a first time experience for me and like I say, I live alone so needed to get what's on my mind out somehow and found myself here. I'm absolutely gutted to loose her and wanted to share a nice picture of her and maybe help some people in the future who may get into a similar situation to myself. I can only sympathize for people who have full ownership and loose a friend after 10 or 15 years. Growing up we always had the family animals and I always remember being sad when they passed on, but that was always more my parents decisions.

I wish I had got to spend more time her. She was a beautiful wee cat and I will never forget her. Chi Chi, you will always hold a special place in my heart and I'm so sorry that I let you down.

 

[KayC]

My heart breaks as I read this!  You are a good person, trying your best to help three feral cats, no easy undertaking!  Most are spayed/neutered at 8 weeks so she was likely of age.  What could go wrong, I have no idea unless she had something amiss to start with, weak heart/lungs, who knows.  The vets would have examined her prior so it must have been something not readily apparent at the time.  PLEASE don't blame yourself!  This is what a rescue place would have had done!  I've had cats spayed and it didn't take a long time for recovery, a couple of days for the worst and a couple weeks to heal.  It's not usual for them to die and I seriously doubt it was your experience/lack of it.

She will remember you as the kind human that loved and cared for her.

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm

 

[Gary55]

Heartbreaking to read your post. It's so sad, although I don't think you should blame yourself for anything. You are a good guy who gave a home to 3 cats. And you did what was right  for her, you were not to know what was away to happen. You loved her, that is clear. Guilt is never far away when we lose what we love. You did what you thought was right with the information you had at the time. It's hard, I lost my pal Goldie 13 weeks ago, its been hell, I've been in tears every day. Writing and talking helps, I'm glad you found this place, it's helped me so much. 

[Anna J]

Please please please don't blame yourself.You didn't do anything wrong.You sound like a good man.When you took those kittens you didn't know how everything would turn out.You loved her and I am sure she knew this.I do hope that as time passes by you will feel better.

[JillSandwich]

Thank you so much for the kind replies. It means alot that people would take the time to share their very kind words. I'm still sad for little Chi Chi but like all people say, time helps heal all wounds. You never forget but you learn to accept.

In update to the whole situation, the very next day after losing Chi Chi I woke up to one of the other ones wanting to be my best pal which was weird considering it had went from not wanting touched at all to now flopped on the floor on top of my feet wanting a belly rub! I cant help but feel it has something to do with the force lol.

Due to this new friendship I tried for a few more weeks but ended up having the cats protection come out and take the last one into care. The biggest one out of the lot, who I had named King, just didn't want anything to do with me and I can imagine always wanted to be an outdoor cat. I knew this is what the cats protection had planned for him after getting his shots so I was sad to see him go but happy he was going somewhere better suited for him.

So that left me with the one that was now my best buddy. With tons of hesitation I phoned the vets and booked this one in to get all its jags and to be nurtured but was obviously very concerned because of how it went with Chi Chi but I knew it had to be done. I took it to the vets to get neutered and within an instant it went from being called Simon to now being called Haru due to the fact of being another girl! 

She seemed to improve pretty quickly after the operation but I was still in full paranoid mode and checking on her what felt like every 10 minutes. The next day I got a call from the cats protection. They said that they had done some blood tests on King and thankfully he had tested negative for F.I.V but had unfortunately tested positive for leukemia and due to the severity of the disease they were going to have to put him to sleep.

Once again I couldn't believe it but this one didn't hit me as bad because I didn't have as much of a relationship with this guy. Whatever room I was in, he was in the other. He was rarely aggressive towards me but I knew from day one that he wasn't happy about being kept inside. It was definitely sad news but all the things that helped me grieve with Chi Chi also applies with King. I gave him a comfortable, warm life and can imagine that he wouldn't have even lasted this long if he had been left outside over the harsh winter we had here in Scotland. I have been told that due to the disses he wouldn't have had that long a lifespan anyway and it would have been a horrible way for him to go in the end.

I just want to express my huge respect for the Cats Protection here in Scotland. They have been excellent from the start and even paid in full for the cats to be neutered. I said to the woman on the phone that I wish I never stepped in at the start but she assured me that I had definitely done the right thing by saying that if I didn't, then that was a litter of 1 male a 2 females, which would have no doubt bred to an even greater size and with King having that case of leukemia, that could have then been passed on to other local cats that actually stay round about the area.

Haru is booked back in for her second does of vaccinations in a few weeks so she will be getting a blood test to tell me if she has it also. If she does then it will be sad but I know that I can give her a loving and comfortable life until the time inevitable comes. Fingers crossed it comes back negative tho! This may also be a reason why Chi Chi didn't pull through the surgery but I guess I'm still just looking for something definitive to blame

Looking back on the whole situation, I am glad that I stepped in. I've now got a lovely wee cat whos very affectionate, and potently stopped a colony of infected cats having miserable lives and maybe passing other stuff onto house cats. I'll be the first to admit that it didn't always go how I imagined it would, but it wouldn't stop me from doing it again.

Thanks again for the reply's. They meant a great deal at a time when I needed them most.

[KayC]

I am so sorry about the leukemia diagnosis, my mom had that.  It likely was a more eased ending than it would have been if left in the wild.  I'm glad you ended up with a loving companion though, even if he turned out to be a she!   Thank you for updating us, sometimes we wonder so it's nice to hear back how things are going.  Wishing you all the best!