Just lost fiancé. Lost and don’t know how to cope.

[Lost_love]

Hello,

I recently lost my fiancé to heart complications.  It was unexpected, and I was there when he died.  They were able to get a heartbeat before 4 minutes.  Then the hospital put him under to check for brain damage.  Apparently, he took a turn for the worst that night. This whole thing has me just a wreck.  I have never lost someone this close to me.  I am having a really hard time dealing with it.  It has been going on 13 days now since he has passed.  It has been one of the most traumatic things I have had happen.  I also have PTSD from some things that happened when I was younger.  But, this is by far the worst.  They took him off the breathing tube on the 4th day in the ICU.  So, I had to watch him pass away twice. I feel like a part of me died that day.  And, I keep feeling like he is going to walk through the door.  I don’t know what to do anymore.

[Lynnj]

Hi 

I lost my husband if 40 years in March 1st and I am utterly heartbroken. My two grown up daughters are amazing but I am so lonely without him. I feel as though my life has ended to abd I am desires tell sorrow for him in his suffering and now he will miss out in so much. The emptiness is unbearable. I can not face the days or the nights with out him. 
can anyone help me ? 
lynn 

[Gail 8588]

Lost love, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so unfair.  You were just starting your life together. 

In this forum, we have all lost our true loves. We are all in different stages of life, and in different places on our grief journey, but we share many experiences from having our lives completely shattered by the death of the one we love. 

Come here to cry, rage, vent, question, or just read the posts of others.  Your friends and family may not comprehend the depth of your pain and loss. But we get it here, because we have experienced it too.  

Grieving the loss of your soulmate is a hard place to be, and I am very sorry you have reason to join us here.  But there is some comfort in knowing you are not alone, that others have been as lost as you are and that they are surviving.  We will offer what comfort we can. 

For now just try to get through one day at a time. 

Gail

[Gail 8588]

Lynnj, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  As I just wrote to Lost Love, we are sorry you have reason to join us on this grief journey none of us want to be on, but we welcome you here. 

I was married to my love for 38 years and we have 2 grown sons.  When he died my life was shattered. 

It takes time to find your bearings after a loss like this.  Each of us has a unique path due to our individual circumstances. But feelings of anger, dispair, guilt and many others are common. 

In the beginning, just getting through the day, is all that you can do.  If you dress, brush your teeth and eat a bit of healthy food, you have done well.  There may be days that you can't accomplish that much, and that's okay.  You do what you can. Don't expect very much from yourself, you are recovering from a hugh trauma. It will take time. 

Come here to vent, or just read posts.  It is some comfort to know you are not alone in how lost you are feeling.  

Gail

[jmmosley53]

Lost-love,

I am sorry for your loss.  You must be in such shock right now.  The first 2 weeks after my loves death I was in such a fog.

Yes I am sure that trying to deal with your loves death is more than hard, it must seem impossible right now.

I have had similar feeling about expecting him to just walk through the door.  I think that is a know reaction.  We know what happened, but, our hearts tell us 'This couldn't have happened'.

I totally understands that I don't know what to do any more feeling,  if you are able to - sit down and breath, then eat something and take a nap.  Give your mind time to think everything through a few times.  Death of a loved one is so much to process.  It takes time.

This site has helped me a lot.  The people here are going through loss also so they can appreciate the pain and loneliness that happens.  Take care

 

 

[Lost_love]

Thank you so much for sharing.  I am new to this, and still figuring out how to respond back.  I hope I am doing it right.

[JohnB]

I'm so sorry to read of your horrible news.  It's an awful club we're all a part of.  Your loss is so fresh.  I sure hope you have a strong support system. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Lost_love said:

Hello,

I recently lost my fiancé to heart complications.  It was unexpected, and I was there when he died.  They were able to get a heartbeat before 4 minutes.  Then the hospital put him under to check for brain damage.  Apparently, he took a turn for the worst that night. This whole thing has me just a wreck.  I have never lost someone this close to me.  I am having a really hard time dealing with it.  It has been going on 13 days now since he has passed.  It has been one of the most traumatic things I have had happen.  I also have PTSD from some things that happened when I was younger.  But, this is by far the worst.  They took him off the breathing tube on the 4th day in the ICU.  So, I had to watch him pass away twice. I feel like a part of me died that day.  And, I keep feeling like he is going to walk through the door.  I don’t know what to do anymore.

I am so sorry, there are no words adequate to comfort or lessen your pain.  I know.  I lost my husband suddenly/unexpected to a heart attack nearly 16 years ago.  It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through, by far.  He had just turned 51, I had to come home to see his birthday banner still up.  It was Father's Day.

I am glad you found your way here, it helps to talk with others that "get it" and we welcome you to our group, although we wish it was for a different reason.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Lost_love]

KayC

Thank you so much for sharing with me your story, and that wonderful piece you wrote.  It is so new to me.  I feel like I am just walking through life now...not really there.  But, your story gives me hope.  I don’t like going out (but I force myself to) because everywhere I go I see him.  And, it is a constant reminder that I will never see him again.  It feels lonely in the house.  I do have a pet, and he just lost his best friend.  I do try to act happy around him, then turn to cry.  I am sure he knows.  But, I don’t want him to get depressed.  I try to take it day by day.  But, for some reason I get a knot in my chest.  It feels like I can’t breathe sometimes.  I just lay in bed some days and don’t want to wake up.  I do because I have to care for my dog.  But, as far as myself..it seems very hard.  I am not really hungry, but I think that may be normal?  I just don’t feel like doing much.  And, when I do I get so exhausted and have a panic attack.  I am always shaking when I have to go somewhere, or even talk on the phone.  I just can’t believe he is really never coming back.  

[steveb]

Lost_love, you have my deepest sympathies.  What you are feeling isn’t unusual. I had similar feelings.  I thought that my intense despair and shock would never end, but it did with the assistance of my family.  You have to take things slow, lean on others, and focus on your health.   I’m in a “better” place now, but still ache for the presence of my lovely wife.  That ache will always be there though. We all understand what you are going through, and will help as best we can. 
 

God bless, Steve 

[Perro J]

I am sorry. I lost my fiancee last summer. This is a difficult road to walk. My experience was, and still is, that it comes in waves. You'll think you're doing better - then you'll be back to square one - then better, but not as good as you were before, etc. It hurts. It is terrible. I cried every single day for three and a half months. Then I was able to make it a day or two without breaking down. I am at eight months tomorrow and I still weep once or twice a week, but not with the same intensity that I used to. That is not a schedule for you to expect or copy, it is just how it went for me. Your experience will probably be similar but different. Don't compare your path with others - yours is unique. My point is - it does improve with time.

Keep things simple for now. Just get through today as best you can and don't worry about tomorrow or anything else in the future unless it really needs to be dealt with today. Early on  just getting through a day is an accomplishment.

I hope you find peace and solace soon.

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, Lost_love said:

 I don’t like going out (but I force myself to) because everywhere I go I see him.  And, it is a constant reminder that I will never see him again.  It feels lonely in the house.

Lost love i did the same..i forced myself to go and saw him everywhere...it was hard and painful! I am so sorry you have to go through all this pain!

Hope you can find some comfort in our community

[foreverhis]

On 3/13/2021 at 11:42 AM, Gail 8588 said:

In the beginning, just getting through the day, is all that you can do.  If you dress, brush your teeth and eat a bit of healthy food, you have done well.  There may be days that you can't accomplish that much, and that's okay.  You do what you can. Don't expect very much from yourself, you are recovering from a hugh trauma. It will take time. 

Very wise words, Gail.  Your posts are very well put and comforting, if such a thing is really possible this early for Lost_love and Lynnj.

As you are about 1-1/2 years ahead of me on your journey, it really helps me when you post about a step forward you've made or a positive experience you've had and even when you've had a set back or are having a hard time because that reminds me that it's not only okay, but to be expected.  I just thought you should know that.

@Lost_love and @Lynnj  I too want to welcome you to the best, most comforting place none of us ever wanted to be.  You are still in shock, there are no two ways about it.  Gail is right that the only thing you should expect of yourself right now, aside from any required legal stuff, is to breathe in and out, get dressed (it helps; it really does, even if "dressed" involves swapping pjs for sweats and t-shirt), and try to stay hydrated (super important) and eat as you are able (smoothies, soups, pasta with smooth sauces, etc. were best for me at first).

Please come here often to read posts and to post your questions, anger, frustration, confusion, and really just anything.  Verbally scream when you need to.  Most of us have been there or are there now or, as I still am at times, weaving back and forth, up and down on my grief journey.  The most important thing to remember is that you are no longer alone on this most painful, shocking, and unwelcome journey.

[KayC]

On 3/14/2021 at 9:11 AM, Lost_love said:

KayC

Thank you so much for sharing with me your story, and that wonderful piece you wrote.  It is so new to me.  I feel like I am just walking through life now...not really there.  But, your story gives me hope.  I don’t like going out (but I force myself to) because everywhere I go I see him.  And, it is a constant reminder that I will never see him again.  It feels lonely in the house.  I do have a pet, and he just lost his best friend.  I do try to act happy around him, then turn to cry.  I am sure he knows.  But, I don’t want him to get depressed.  I try to take it day by day.  But, for some reason I get a knot in my chest.  It feels like I can’t breathe sometimes.  I just lay in bed some days and don’t want to wake up.  I do because I have to care for my dog.  But, as far as myself..it seems very hard.  I am not really hungry, but I think that may be normal?  I just don’t feel like doing much.  And, when I do I get so exhausted and have a panic attack.  I am always shaking when I have to go somewhere, or even talk on the phone.  I just can’t believe he is really never coming back.  

I hope this will be of help to you:
Grieving Pet

I have GAD and grief worsened it big time.  I began having sleep issues when my husband died as well, so I eventually got on anxiety meds, Buspirone (Buspar) itt's in a class of its own, not an SSRI, doesn't alter my brain, but it does take the edge off a bit so I can better cope without anxiety attacks.  I also finally started a sleep aid, Trazodone 50 mg, as I feel it's important to get some sleep as we need it to function.

I hope this place will give you the outlet you need to express yourself without worrying about others.  I think its okay to grieve around our pet as they know what we're feeling anyway, turn to your pet for comfort, they are amazing at that and it will also likely comfort him.  It's okay to let your kids know what you're going through as well.    I think we always want to shield them and will naturally hold in somewhat, but they need to know this isn't something so easily over...you are their role model for when they experience intense grief in life and you will want them to know that when they do experience it that they're not abnormal in their feelings.  We don't have to be perfect.  (((hugs)))  The burden of pretense is hard to wear 24/7!