Hello

[Christie52]

Hello All,

I am new to this site, and read that this is a good source of support.  My husband died this past August of complications from a surgical procedure.  We were married for 44 years, and while he had a number of health issues, his death was somewhat unexpected, and was exacerbated by poor care from the hospital.  I am ok, and have a lot of support from family and friends, but sometimes I don't really like to burden them.  I hope to make some friends on here that I can communicate with.

[jmmosley53]

Hi Christie52,

I am so glad that you found this site.  It has been so good for me to be able to vent my anger, or cry my heart out and to be understood by people that have gone through similar circumstances as my own.  

My family is very loving and supportive too, but like you, I do not want to burden them.  

I am happy you feel okay today.  It is not required that you be okay tomorrow.  Take care of your self.

[Christie52]

Thank you so much.  Some days are ok, some not so much, but step by step works for me.  I am sorry for your loss as well.

[Sparky1]

Hi Christie52, I am sorry for the loss of your husband. There are great people here that you can get lots of support from. Each of us has gone through a loss and we relate our experiences in the hope that it may help someone. Hopefully it will help you out as much as it has helped me during some of the tougher days of my grief.

[Christie52]

Thank you.

[Gail 8588]

Christie52,

Welcome.  We are sorry you have reason to join us here, but we are glad you found us. 

I dated my husband for 2 years and we were married for 38 years. Our 40 years together was my entire adult life. When he died following a stroke in March 2017, my life was completely destroyed. 

It has been a very long journey for me to feel like a living human being again, but I am finally back in the world, feeling joy and sorrow, laughter and tears for real time events. 

All of our grief journeys are unique, due to our own life experiences.  Difficulties I had, you may not experience.  Challenges you face, I may not have had.  But as you struggle with issues on your grief journey, it helps to post here and see the responses of people who are struggling with the same issues. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone - that you are not losing your mind. 

When you have the time, you may want to read through some threads starting at the beginning.  It's sometimes heart breaking, but it is also heart-healing, I believe. 

Feel free to chime in on any thread, or start a new one.  We will give what comfort we can. 

The biggest blessing of this group is that we understand, we hear you, we know how deep and painful this journey can be.  Often our friends and family don't get it and expect us to be "better" far too soon.

Here, we get it. Our lives have been shattered too. 

I am so sorry for your loss. 

Gail

[steveb]

Hello Christie52, I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you came here to share your thoughts and feelings with us. We all unfortunately share a common thread of the loss of our loved one/spouse/partner.  My family and friends have been wonderful, but the folks here truly understand. 

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

All of our grief journeys are unique, due to our own life experiences.  Difficulties I had, you may not experience.  Challenges you face, I may not have had.  But as you struggle with issues on your grief journey, it helps to post here and see the responses of people who are struggling with the same issues. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone - that you are not losing your mind. 

.Gail's words hit the nail on the head, as they always do.  Reading and posting here has been therapeutic for me to say the least.

steve

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Christie52 said:

Hello All,

I am new to this site, and read that this is a good source of support.  My husband died this past August of complications from a surgical procedure.  We were married for 44 years, and while he had a number of health issues, his death was somewhat unexpected, and was exacerbated by poor care from the hospital.  I am ok, and have a lot of support from family and friends, but sometimes I don't really like to burden them.  I hope to make some friends on here that I can communicate with.

You have found it.  I am so sorry for your loss, that one more person has to go through this.  It was a site such as this that saved me nearly 16 years ago, and it helps so much to have a place to come to where everyone "gets it" and is so caring and supportive.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Christie52]

Thank you!

 

[KayC]

You're welcome!  And we're glad you're here...