Everybody grieves different

[Hudson]

Hi All,

I feel like I have to explain myself because I'm not over it.  I just want people to understand me. I try to have a conversation everyday with my sister. I always felt that most of the time we were on different planets. I thought she might be different because we are going through the same thing. I was so wrong.  My sister's way of dealing with grief is to act like it never happened. That works for her. I understand that we all grieve different.  When I want to talk to her about how I feel she has this look on her face. She just doesn't  get it or me. I live with her and feel that I can't express my feelings. Our Mother died. When she comes home from work she tells me about her day. Which can be hours sometimes. Every once in awhile she asks about my day.  I tell her that today wasn't a good day. I was crying and taking care of my Mom's bills.  Then I get that face again. Like why were you crying so much. She doesn't get it. I respect her way of grieving, but she doesn't even try to understand. So people don't ever get over the loss of their  Mother. It's painful and lonely. I've decided that I'm just gonna tell her everything is fine. I don't need the judgement. Sorry this is so long. I just had to get it out.

Thanks,

Hudson

[TLN]

 

1 hour ago, Hudson said:

I feel like I have to explain myself because I'm not over it.  I just want people to understand me.... I always felt that most of the time we were on different planets.... Then I get that face again. Like why were you crying so much. She doesn't get it... she doesn't even try to understand. So people don't ever get over the loss of their  Mother. It's painful and lonely.

I understand how you feel. I get the looks, too, from those who literally say, Get over it already. I tell them, I am a shattered woman; I have had an arrow shot through my heart called Grief, lit on fire by Death, and that arrow has pierced me through to my core. They say people lose their fathers all the time; it's sad, but you should really be through with it by now. I know, it's been 3 years now this May 2nd. I am not vying for sympathy; I am just trying to recover. So i took to writing, rather than talk to them anymore. They have become toxic to me and I need away from them. Am I making too much out of his death? They say so; but hey, he's just my Father, right? Ugh.

[Hudson]

TLN,

Thank you for replying.  It's so frustrating how many people don't get it. My heart is broken. It's been four months and It's like it happened yesterday. This is the worst thing that has happened in my life. I'm so lonely without her. She always understood me without explanation.  Things are dark without her. I've read a book about grief, tried painting, meditation and I can't find a therapist because of Covid. Maybe I will try writing? I don't know if I will ever get over it.

Hudson

[Monty]

Hello,

I am sorry for your losses Hudson & TLN. I don’t think this is something we ever get over we just learn to live with it. It becomes part of us. Part of who we have now become. Our world will never be the same. We now have scars on our hearts. 

I completely understand how hard it is to grieve for a parent when your siblings (who have experienced the same loss) are not on this journey with you or in a different way. My brother has to be doing things with his hands. His thoughts jump around and he moves from one idea to another very quickly. After the loss of our father he became very focused on buying an expensive car and he did. My sister was in denial for a long time and felt like our Dad was still in the hospital as he had been in ICU. She even said to me “Do you still feel like Dad is in the hospital?”. I did not. She is only now starting to process what has happened but is in a very different place to me. I cry all the time and feel like, as TLN described, I am walking around with an arrow through my heart. I cannot watch real life shows on television that include ambulances or hospitals. It is too much.

I am in the process of trying to find a good grief counsellor. I need someone to talk to. My siblings grief journey is very different to mine and none of my friend’s understand what it is like to lose both parents at my age. Some of them still have grandparents. This is rough. I try to take one step at a time and hold my parents love in my heart. I feel that is the only way I can function. 
Take care and remember to be kind to yourselves. 

[reader]

Dear Hudson,

I hear where you're coming from and I too had a similar experience. My sisters didn't want to hear me talk about my pain or sorrow or sadness. One sister yelled at me for thinking I was the only one that was sad. Another one told me to get over it and didn't care if I committed suicide over my sadness. It's a very tough time.

Please know it's okay to seek out other people who will listen and who will understand. I know it's tough with Covid, but there are some online resources that helped me. 

Grief in Common

Grief Share

Grief Healing Blog

What's Your Grief

Always know your thoughts and feelings are real and need to be acknowledged and validated. 

Please know we stand with you.

[Grayson]

Hudson,

I completely understand how you feel. I lost my Mother recently, my brother lives next door to me with his wife and he has been avoiding me like the plague as he cannot handle seeing me grieving. He will not come over to my house to see me. When I talk to him on the phone he talks about his daily life and seems perfectly happy he does not understand my suffering. My Mom was my best friend and meant the world to me it feels like a part of me is now gone forever, I feel empty inside and am just going through the motions of life without feeling alive.

You need to reach out to someone who will be sympathetic to your suffering, isolation will just make matters worse. If there is any way you connect with a grief counselor or a group via Zoom I would highly recommend it.

[Hudson]

Hi All,

Thank you for your replies.  I have to first say to R. That is horrible what your sister said to you. I am so sorry.  Please don't listen to her. 

I understand how you feel Grayson. Living next door and feeling alone in your grief.  My sister lives with me , but I feel I can't say whatever I want in my own house.  She never wants to talk about my Mom. She's entitled to her own way of grieving, but how do you live person.  My sister and I were never best friends, but I thought it would be different after Mom died. I was always the one who took care of everybody and now I feel like I have to take care of her.  I don't even want to live with her. My Mom enabled my sister. She doesn't drive, she's doesn't know how to pay a bill, do her own taxes etc...  I don't want to take care of anyone else. She even made me promise that I wouldn't commit suicide because she doesn't want to be alone. 

I have been looking for weeks for a grief counselor. Covid19 has made the appointments few and far between. Plus my insurance sucks.  I hope we all find one soon.  Thank you for understanding me and all the suggestions. I'm hear to listen too.

Take care,

Hudson