First Post I Could Never Imagine Having to Make

[JohnB]

How does one begin a post like this?  I'm going to start simply by copying the post I made on Facebook the day my wife died nine weeks ago:  

"Late yesterday afternoon, our lives were shattered when we lost the love of my life, a dear daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, coworker and puppy-mom.

Rhonda, you were my partner, my lover and my very best friend.

I’m the luckiest man in the world for the 19 years we shared. Seeing the outpouring of grief from our family and friends show a consistent message of your joy, your smile, your laughter and your passion for caring.

I am the luckiest because I got to see these most incredible traits each and every day.

I will miss every part of you forever.

I love you, Rhonda. Rest In Peace my beautiful bride."

[Gail 8588]

JohnB,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  This is such a life shattering experience. It is hard for people who have not experienced it, to comprehend how much it hurts. Sadly, here,  we get it.  Our lives have been shattered too. 

Nine weeks is still so early on this terrible grief journey.  The pain is still raw and overwhelming at times. 

Please come here to vent, rage, question, cry or just read other posts.  It helps a little to see that others are experiencing what you are. That you are not losing your mind. 

You are not alone. 

Gail

[Yoli]

John, so very sorry you have had to join us here. The topic of your post sums up the thoughts of so many.

This is a good place to say exactly what you think and feel. We are on this journey too.

[steveb]

I too am so very sorry for your loss JohnB.  We understand what you are going through.  I've learned a lot reading Gail's and KayC's posts as well as others.  Try to take care of your health as best you can through this trying time.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

God bless .. steve

[Sparky1]

John, I'm also sorry for your loss. Your quote from Facebook brought tears to my eyes. It's tough for all of us, losing the person that was our life and struggling to carry on without them. Coming here will give you some comfort, as we all understand what you're going through.

[Mark loves Sandra]

John,

We all wish you didn't have to come to this forum -- you're here for a terrible reason.  If there's anything this site has taught me it's that very bad things happen to good people -- with no rhyme or reason.  As with all humans, I'm guessing Rhonda had her flaws -- but she was everything to you.  And how can your "everything" be gone?  We all get that, unfortunately.

Each person on her has a unique story, but we all have a horrible common thread.  A link to my story is below -- perhaps it will help you see that we're all going through the same terrible thing.

With sincere condolences, Mark.

 

[jmmosley53]

Hi JohnB,

I too am sorry for your loss.  I wish there was something I could say that would make this all better for you.  Sadly there just are no words that can even come close.

The only thing I can tell you that is for sure 100% is -  that you must take good care of yourself.  Breath, eat, and sleep.  Most everything else can wait.  Don't try and rush yourself.  Your travel through grief takes however long it takes with some ups and downs.

I have found this site to be very helpful, The people here are so understanding and in tune with emotions because we are all going through similar things.

[foreverhis]

Hi JohnB.  I too want to welcome you to the best, most supportive place none of us ever wanted to be.  When I found this site and the wonderful members here, I had been floundering around lost and hopeless for about 6 months.  Even though I had and still have tremendous support and love from the people in our/my life, none of them could fully understand.  I so often felt completely alone, even when I was with them.

Right now, all you can expect of yourself is to just get through the day and keep breathing.  Do try to eat healthfully when you can, sleep when you are able (and use sleep aids if they are appropriate for you), and do accept help from those around you when it feels right.

I am so sorry you lost your soulmate and hope that being here will help you during this most painful, devastating, and often confusing time.

[LoveNeverDies]

@John B I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some comfort here with us . (((Huge Hugs )))

[JohnB]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words.  I'm still trying to figure out this site.  Obviously, I'm trying to figure out a lot of things.

Seeing the support and heartfelt messages from people who "get it" is surely heartbreaking, but it's very heartwarming as well.

[KayC]

@JohnB I am so sorry for your loss, this seems to me the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  I hope you will continue to come here and read/post.  There are no words to alleviate this pain, only in going straight through it, pain and all, do we process our grief.  It won't stay in this same intensity forever as we begin to adjust to the changes it means for our lives, and I hope by hearing that it brings you even the tiniest ray of hope.  I lost my husband suddenly, unexpectedly all too soon nearly 16 years ago.\

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Wink Hall]

I'm so sorry for your loss as I lost my bride and high school sweetheart of 37 years. I completely understand your feelings.I now feel like a third wheel when around our friends even though they never have treated me differently. I recently connected with an old friend who is a widow of 3 years and was married for 13. It's a short time since my wife's passing but this friend seems to be the only one I can express myself and talk about my wife like I was getting ready to introduce them both ,it's allowed me a calming peace and understanding and hope of happiness in my future( something my wife and I always wanted for one another). I'm responding to you with the hope that you will understand that you will move forward and I'm sure your wife believed and wanted happiness in your future. Hoping you will allow happiness back in, after all  we both were blessed with the years we had with our loves and to only experience that again would honor those loves we had.

[KayC]

My best friend through all this was a NEW friend that was there for George in the hospital until I could get someone to drive me there as I was away from home with no car when he went in.  Her and I became besties and since all of our friends immediately disappeared overnight, we were there for each other for ten years, through the loss of her husband as well, until she moved out of state to remarry.  No one takes her place.  I'm glad you have that one friend to talk to, they are worth their weight in gold!

[JohnB]

She was only 45 years old.  Tomorrow is 10 weeks since she was taken from me.

I sure wish one of my dogs would answer me when I constantly ask, "What are we going to do?"  

It's been 10 weeks.  It seems like 10 seconds; it feels like 10 years.  I just feel lost, absolutely and totally lost.

[Gail 8588]

What are we going to do?   That is really the question that each of us has to find an answer to.  In the beginning it is such an overwhelming task, we don't even know how to begin. 

We try to keep doing what we did before, but that life is shattered beyond repair.  We can't make it work. We can't fix it. Our loved one, who was an essential, critical component of our prior life is gone.

So what on earth are we going to do now? 

It is really hard to figure out.  You're on the right track if you are happy some of the time. 

Gail 

[KayC]

Yes, time does seem to be in a warp, both yesterday and forever at the same time.  Just do today, try not to think about the rest of your life as it's too much.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Yes, time does seem to be in a warp, both yesterday and forever at the same time.  Just do today, try not to think about the rest of your life as it's too much.

Perfect, Kay.  Knowing that I wasn't and am not alone in feeling this way and that my inability to look at "the rest of my life" is common, if not universal, helped me feel less crazy.  Time is in many ways an impossible concept for me to grasp now.

[South Carolina]

Hi guys; South Carolina still here. Reading all the post does help in a since that I know I’m not alone , there are others going through these relentless days nights of you name it. Despair, loneliness, sorrow, confusion, longing for that person you lost to hear again, see again , everything again. It’s been since thanksgiving day I lost my love , joy, reason to get up , eat , u name I just don’t care anymore. No , I’m not suicidal... there’s just no point to anything any longer . I’m just surviving not living . Just biding my time till it’s my time . Sorry , I don’t believe in any afterlife so when the trail ends that is the end. Back to dust from which we all will return to.