Vent: Faded Support/Care

[SDC]

I just need to vent & get thoughts out of my head. I'm astounded by how quickly people stopped providing even a bit of emotional support (my love died suddenly 4/20). November was the last time anyone alluded to my grief--two people commented that they were thinking of me because they knew the upcoming holidays would be hard. The lack of care makes me feel resentful and angry. It feels like another layer of loss. I also feel childish--like a kid who wants attention, but isn't getting it. I don't know what I expected from people, but it was obviously more. I'm grateful to have this outlet for sharing. 

[AnnRA]

SDC -  Totally understand — I am at 4 months now and the support has been fading steadily.  Ans YES it feels like another layer of loss.  Please understand it is NOT your fault or any reflection of who you are.  Those people just do not “get it”, and have no concept of the loneliness and trauma we are experiencing.  Yep, I feel like having tantrums  — how can they be so uncaring?  It is best not to focus on them, and cherish the few who ARE caring for you.  You may have heard the phrase “Grief will make you re-write your address book”.  So true for all of us here.

There are many, many posts on this site about this — it is unfortunately everyone’s experience here.  

Can anyone point out the threads on this site that mostly address this issue?    In the meantime, please know you are not alone and that we are all facing this. Come here often, where there is true understanding.  Hugs to you.

[SDC]

23 minutes ago, AnnRA said:

SDC -  Totally understand — I am at 4 months now and the support has been fading steadily.  Ans YES it feels like another layer of loss.  Please understand it is NOT your fault or any reflection of who you are.  Those people just do not “get it”, and have no concept of the loneliness and trauma we are experiencing.  Yep, I feel like having tantrums  — how can they be so uncaring?  It is best not to focus on them, and cherish the few who ARE caring for you.  You may have heard the phrase “Grief will make you re-write your address book”.  So true for all of us here.

There are many, many posts on this site about this — it is unfortunately everyone’s experience here.  

Can anyone point out the threads on this site that mostly address this issue?    In the meantime, please know you are not alone and that we are all facing this. Come here often, where there is true understanding.  Hugs to you.

AnnRA: Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.  I hadn't heard the phrase "Grief will make you re-write your address book." It's spot on! Thank you too for sharing it with me. Being disappointed in people is apparently another cycle of grief. I'll feel like I've processed that response and feel over the hurt it causes, but then, bam, the hurt returns. You really do find out who cares about you when your closest loved one dies. Grief brings many new levels of awareness/perceptions and shifts--on top of the sadness of missing your person. To state the absolute obvious: it is an emotional onslaught! Thank you again. Sharing here and hearing from kind hearted strangers is a balm. 

[Yoli]

2 hours ago, SDC said:

The lack of care makes me feel resentful and angry.

I am at this point now. 

Unfortunately, lack of support is a recurring theme here. I too, did expect more from the people in my life. I spoon fed some on how they could support me but that didn't work either - they have to actually want to help. The word 'busy' has now become like a red rag to a bull for me.

[TLN]

9 minutes ago, SDC said:

[Grief] ...it is an emotional onslaught!

I wholeheartedly agree. I have never felt anything like the explosion of grief I felt at the loss of my Father. Like a blitzkrieg. And yes, you do find out who your friends are when grieving "takes too long".  People you thought loved you surprise you with their coldness; coldness you did not notice before. it is good to have this forum where like-minded people can come and share without judgment. Thank you for posting. TLN

[SDC]

12 minutes ago, Yoli said:

I am at this point now. 

Unfortunately, lack of support is a recurring theme here. I too, did expect more from the people in my life. I spoon fed some on how they could support me but that didn't work either - they have to actually want to help. The word 'busy' has now become like a red rag to a bull for me.

Yoli. Thank you for validating my feelings & letting me know I'm not alone. I hate feeling resentful and angry--it makes me dislike myself. Who needs that on top of grieving?! Thank you again. 

[jmmosley53]

I did find out which people are just fair weather friends and which are true and supportive friends.

Of the fair weather verity of people in my circle, I just understand that they might be okay to talk about recipes but they just are not empathetic enough to be supportive. Sort of like it's not their fault they are stupid, I like them as a lawn mower.

I don't get mad at them, I just don't expect much from them.  My true and supportive friends that have stood with me during this past year, those are people I love and put trust in.

 

[SDC]

4 minutes ago, TLN said:

I wholeheartedly agree. I have never felt anything like the explosion of grief I felt at the loss of my Father. Like a blitzkrieg. And yes, you do find out who your friends are when grieving "takes too long".  People you thought loved you surprise you with their coldness; coldness you did not notice before. it is good to have this forum where like-minded people can come and share without judgment. Thank you for posting. TLN

And thank you TLN. I'm sorry you're dealing with similar feelings, but it's good to know I'm not alone in them. 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, SDC said:

I'm grateful to have this outlet for sharing

And we're glad you're here.  This place would not be the same without any one of us!  I sure didn't get support from my friends, and although my family cared, they had no clue what I was going through, still doesn't.  My mom got it but now she's gone too and she had mental illness big time so wasn't always appropriate with her responses.  I found a grief site maybe a week after George died, it saved me.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, AnnRA said:

You may have heard the phrase “Grief will make you re-write your address book”.  So true for all of us here.

There are many, many posts on this site about this — it is unfortunately everyone’s experience here.  

Can anyone point out the threads on this site that mostly address this issue?

We have talked about this before although I'm not sure which thread, but here are some articles I posted:

Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friends, letdown
Friendship: Why I Not Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me
I would give it a while before taking white out to your address book, but if they're so blatant and continue in their fashion, by all means, if you feel like cutting them loose, do!  I did.  It's important to recognize when you give and give and it's never reciprocated.  Right now we can least afford to hold together a one-sided relationship!  And why would we want to?

[AnnRA]

Yeah.... so I have just gotten a note from my former work team leader that starts with “How’s the garden?”.....

 

 

 

[SDC]

3 minutes ago, AnnRA said:

Yeah.... so I have just gotten a note from my former work team leader that starts with “How’s the garden?”.....

 

 

 

Holy cow! "How's the garden?" Talk about avoidance. How about something like:  "I struggle with knowing what to say about your grief and loss. But know I think of you and your heartbreak. I hope you're finding some comfort working in your garden. How is your garden doing these days?"  You don't have to be genius or a saint to come up with something thoughtful to say to someone grieving. It really isn't that hard or complicated. People just aren't wiling to make a bit of effort. Egads. 

28 minutes ago, KayC said:

And we're glad you're here.  This place would not be the same without any one of us!  I sure didn't get support from my friends, and although my family cared, they had no clue what I was going through, still doesn't.  My mom got it but now she's gone too and she had mental illness big time so wasn't always appropriate with her responses.  I found a grief site maybe a week after George died, it saved me.

Thank you Kay! You are always a voice of solace and knowledge. I appreciate you. 

[Sparky1]

I've also commented about this in other posts. When my wife passed away, I was shocked at offers of help people were offering. You know, " if you need anything, just call". People I barely knew, and even people I knew for a long time. I was flattered and considered myself lucky that these people cared. I'm not the type of person that calls people for trivial things. But at least stick to your offer and give me emotional support by calling once in a while, you don't have to come and clean my house for me. Nope, all those offers were for making themselves feel good. That upsets me.

[Yoli]

1 hour ago, AnnRA said:

Yeah.... so I have just gotten a note from my former work team leader that starts with “How’s the garden?”...

So they even had time to think about what they could write. It's not like you just bumped into them on the street unexpectedly.

[AnnRA]

She has known all along... 4 months....brought me flowers (from my colleagues) when he died, but didn’t have much empathy then, even.  Was awkward.  So in my email response today, I just said the garden was “recovering”......it was his garden......

[Yoli]

I don't know that I would have replied at all.

[AnnRA]

I have to be polite, as I hope she will have some work for me soon.....going ‘round the bend with no work.....

[jmmosley53]

I am not trying to defend people that email 'how's your garden' but I imagine that supervisor trying to send an email that doesn't say.

" Hi, are you still sobbing every minute of every day?"  or "Have you been sitting in you house trying to figure out what your life is going to be like now?"

No one is going to ask questions like that. Even if that is what they want to know.  They don't want to intrude into personal stuff.

So they say a stupid thing like 'how's the garden' it is a safe thing to ask, only a little personal..

[SDC]

12 hours ago, AnnRA said:

She has known all along... 4 months....brought me flowers (from my colleagues) when he died, but didn’t have much empathy then, even.  Was awkward.  So in my email response today, I just said the garden was “recovering”......it was his garden......

Your response that the garden is "recovering" was considerate and perfect. I shook my head when I read that the garden was your husband's. 

[KayC]

Wow, I understand you need work, but oh gosh it would have been hard for me to acknowledge at all!  Talk about strange and inappropriate grief response!

[Gail 8588]

How's your (dead husband's) garden?

Struck me as asking Mrs. Lincoln how she liked the play. 

Jmmosley53, your take on it was much more kind and empathetic.  Thanks, I'll try to look at it that way too. 

Gail

[SDC]

9 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

How's your (dead husband's) garden?

Struck me as asking Mrs. Lincoln how she liked the play. 

Jmmosley53, your take on it was much more kind and empathetic.  Thanks, I'll try to look at it that way too. 

Gail

Gail, "

"How's your (dead husband's) garden? Struck me as asking Mrs. Lincoln how she liked the play" Thank you for the giggle! I'll take any laugh I can get. People are ridiculous and say/write endlessly asinine stuff. 

 

[widower2]

On 3/10/2021 at 1:51 PM, SDC said:

I just need to vent & get thoughts out of my head. I'm astounded by how quickly people stopped providing even a bit of emotional support (my love died suddenly 4/20). November was the last time anyone alluded to my grief--two people commented that they were thinking of me because they knew the upcoming holidays would be hard. The lack of care makes me feel resentful and angry. It feels like another layer of loss. I also feel childish--like a kid who wants attention, but isn't getting it. I don't know what I expected from people, but it was obviously more. I'm grateful to have this outlet for sharing. 

As you can see, this is shockingly common. You are NOT being at all childish; you are being reasonable in your expectations. I had a similar disappearing act from "friends" who I no longer consider friends, including people I've known all my life.

As for saying stupid things, as I've mentioned before, try to keep in mind the intent of the comments, not the stupidity of them (yeah easier said than done). The reality is most people have no clue what to say and are reaching for straws.....to me the worst of all is not saying anything or making any attempt to reach out. 

 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Struck me as asking Mrs. Lincoln how she liked the play. 

Wow!  That puts it in a whole other light, good analogy for seeing just how inappropriate her response was!

What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief
What to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving
Cliches - answers to
Cliches of Grief - Avoiding the

[Gail 8588]

I just meant that when I was dealing with the death of my spouse, everything else seems irrelevant in comparison.  I know the person who asked How's the garden?  didn't mean it that way.  They were trying to be nice.  But from my side, when people said things like that to me, and they did, in my head I wanted to scream "Who cares? What does that matter? It's not even on my radar that the garden still exists in my reality."

Of course I didn't say any of that.  But I was no good at making small talk. I just couldn't cope with much of that as I was drownding in dispair.

I know many of the folks here have remarked that  friends disappeared/ didn't really offer support.  In my case, I think I chased away many people who wanted to provide support.  I felt they had no clue how lost I was, or how much pain I was in and I had no desire to try to explain.  So I slammed  a lot of doors shut on folks. 

I think Jmmosley's take on the garden question is a much more healthy response.   

Gail

 

 

[KayC]

Healthy or not, we have to do what is best for us.  This isn't about all of them!  For once in our lives it's about US!  Of course we don't want to run off people especially when we most need people.  But I did NOT run them off!  They couldn't get outta here fast enough!  I had friends move, no forwarding address/number!  They told me to call if I needed anything, then wouldn't answer or would say they'd call back...never did.  In this way, grief rewrites our address book.  Dumb about grief or not, I NEVER would have done this to them!  I have more empathy and caring than that.  My family cared but had not a clue what this was like, did not know what to say or how to respond, but at least I knew they cared.

[JohnB]

Though my loss is more recent, I've already experienced a bit of this phenomena.  The constant, "What can we we do?"  Well, it's pretty infuriating when you're specific about assigning one of these types of tasks, and it's just totally ignored.

Shortly after Rhonda died, I asked a group of her closest friends to help me investigate the process of memorializing a Facebook page.  A couple of the five seemed to give it a few moments thought.  Once I actually got it finished a week or so ago, one of them asked, "What's memorializing a Facebook page do, anyway?"  Gee, thanks for following up on the ONE thing I asked of you.  It may seem petty, but it irritated me.

And on the "things people say" wagon.  Less than a week after Rhonda died, I needed my hair cut.  I arranged for my stylist to get me in at closing time, so I didn't have to deal with any people.  I was polite and said I didn't want to chat.  I was polite, and she still wanted to chat and asked, "So, what did you do for Christmas."  I tried to be gracious in my reply, but it was, "Ms. Stylist, I'm really not in the mood to talk about what I did for Christmas with my wife who just died."  

Sorry to hijack the tread a bit, but these seemed to fit with some of the discussion.

[KayC]

Oh John, I get it. 

You're not hijacking, whatever you're going through is pertinent.