Grieving in Upstate NY

[SusanAndDonald]

Hello, My husband of 30 years recently passed away from respiratory failure due to COVID 19. I am having a hard time with this. His grieving wife.

[Gail 8588]

Susan,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am glad that you found this forum as I think it will provide some support during this terrible time of grief.  You may want to just read some of the threads, to understand you are not alone in feeling lost, in pain, or whatever you are experiencing.  Each of our grief journeys are unique, but we have many experiences in common.

All of us here have had our lives shattered by the death of our life partner. We understand how life changing and life challenging that is. 

In the beginning, everything is hard or impossible.  Don't try to do too much. It quickly becomes overwhelming. Just try to get through what has to be done today.  Sometimes just getting through this hour or thus moment is all we can do. 

Be kind to yourself. Accept help if it is offered by those who love you.  

Come here to vent, rage, question or just read.  It helps to know there are others here who understand what you are going through. Our lives have been shattered too. 

Gail

 

[SusanAndDonald]

Dear Gail

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I will be visiting this sight often. Susan 

[Mark loves Sandra]

Susan,

As others here will say, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Truly -- the people on here "get it".  Because we're all in the same crappy boat.  As Donald died from Covid, I'm adding a link below to my original post about how this disease stole my world from me, just as it did from you.  Hopefully it will help a tiny bit to know that you are -- unfortunately -- very much not alone.

Sincerely,

--Mark

 

 

[Sparky1]

Susan, I'm also sorry for your loss. Coming here will help you realize you're not alone in this terrible journey. Everyone tries to help each other out and reading the many posts will give you some comfort.

[SusanAndDonald]

Dear Mark,

Thank you for sharing you story with me. My sincere condolences. My heart is hurting so much right now some days I don't think I can bear it. Donald and I were married for our second time, our first marriages being complete disasters and resulting in 2 children for me and one child for Don. We met and knew each other for almost 8 years before we realized not only were we best friends but in love with each other as well. We married soon after and combined our family of 3 children. All boys by the way. Donald had always raised his son on his own. Still rare for a man to do even today. So began our life as a family.  Don was a caring and loving person always putting his families needs first. We both worked and did our best to care for our three boys. He was a little league and pop warner coach in his free time and I would work the consession stand. You can imagine me the only girl in my group of boys ! 

Time passed and our boys grew older and now have families of their own and we our proud to be grandparents to six grandchildren between the 3 of them. Don worked for the State of NY for 32 years and also had a 22 year career in the US Army. He did both active duty and reserves. Don retired some time ago and I myself recently retired. We were hoping to travel more and see the grandchildren more often, but out of the blue this terrible disease came along. Don was never ill, but one day in early January of this year he told me he wasn't feeling well and felt like he couldn't breath. Fast forward to 3 days later and I took him to emergency room where he was diagnosed with Covid and I was told he would be admitted. He ended up staying in the hospital fighting for his life for three weeks and I was unable to see him. We did however Video chat when he was able to talk. I do believe the Dr's did everything they could to help him as they tried multiple procedures to get him well. His primary Dr. even gave me his cell number and told me to call for updates. I spoke with the hospital nurses x 3 a day for three weeks but in the end he could no longer fight it. It took a toll on his heart and other organs. I thank god the Dr. did allow me and our sons to physically see him the night before he passed when he was still alive and able to see and understand us. I came back to the hospital the following morning and he was intubated and non-responsive. He passed away shortly after. May he rest in peace. He was a fantastic husband and father.  

[steveb]

Susan, you will find some solace here. I know I did. I found this site when I needed it the most. We are all kindred spirits on this forum.  I sincerely hope we can ease your pain.  

Most of my family is in upstate NY (Albany area).  In fact, my brother works for the state as an auditor.  
 

 

[Diane R. E.]

Hello Susan; I too, am so sorry for your loss! Other than the cause being Covid, my husband's story is somewhat similar to yours. I also recently retired, and we had just moved from MN to AZ to begin our dream retirement. So I get the devastation you are going through. We all are grieving not only the loss of our partner, but the loss of our future with them. As others have said, this forum has been a tremendous source of support. ((Hugs))

[KayC]

On 3/9/2021 at 2:18 PM, SusanAndDonald said:

Hello, My husband of 30 years recently passed away from respiratory failure due to COVID 19. I am having a hard time with this. His grieving wife.

I am so sorry, Susan!  It's the hardest thing in the world, bar none.  Each Covid statistic was someone else's world and it shatters me to think there is this much grief in the world.

https://keyt.com/news/national-world/2021/02/03/loneliness-pandemic-how-widows-are-dealing-with-grief-amid-covid-19/
https://healthmatters.nyp.org/how-to-cope-with-grief-amid-covid-19/
https://www.funeralservicefoundation.org/grief-book-page/

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.