Members Missy1 Posted March 9, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 9, 2021 Does anyone ever feel like every day is just pretending to be okay and in reality none of this is okay? People say, you will be okay, but I am not the same. I listened to some of his voice messages today, I needed to know that he was real and our love and life was real. 13 months ago seems like a thousand years but still the pain is like I lost him yesterday. I hate this life, always lost, looking for some peace, remembering the life when I laughed and looked forward to a future. This does not get easier as time passes, it gets more complicated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jmmosley53 Posted March 9, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 9, 2021 Hi Missy, I am sorry that you are feeling such difficult emotions. Yeah sure, there are times when I know I'm doing the 'fake it till you make-it' thing. I'm just going through the motions, but I don't think that is really a bad thing. It is like muscle memory. It sort of proves to me I can live, I just need to start paying a little attention and try to get out of my own head. When my mind wanders it almost always goes to Richard. I don't think that will change for a long time but, it is true that I am starting to focus on other things for a little longer periods of time. It seems to me that time in general has changed for me. Much like BC and AD - I view things as how it was before, and how it seems now since Richard's death. I almost always rebel against change for a little while then I find I do what I have to do. Don't be upset with yourself, for having feelings. But try not to allow those really sad emotions have too much time in your head. Go ahead and do your pretend for a bit to keep that muscle memory in tact. It isn't easy but it is the best I can come up with right now. Our grief is a part of us but, it is not the total of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 9, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted March 9, 2021 9 hours ago, Missy1 said: This does not get easier as time passes Oh gosh, Missy, it takes so much time to process this, it took me years! It took me even more years to find purpose! And more years yet to build a life I could live, and then Covid came along and destroyed all that I had built, with its social isolation. Our lives were so intertwined, our love so all-encompassing, how could it be any other way?! I'm no longer hit with constant triggers, no longer expect him to walk in the door or call, am "used to" being alone (as "used to" as someone can be), I realize fully how alone I am, that doesn't make it easier to do. I rarely cry anymore, but instead carry a kind of sadness, the weight of grief inside my heart, I carry it with me, always. Easier/harder? Hard to compare. I would not relish going back to the earlier days, that's for sure! The shock, the trauma to our brain and hearts, so in one sense it has to be "easier" than it was, but "easy?" No. Nothing is as it was "before," when we innocently expected life to continue as it was, loved and loving, sharing in all of life, good and bad. The load shared is immensely lighter! That innocence shattered, we can never take anything for granted again! Feel what you feel, it's all legit, we get it, we're getting through this, but damned if it's not for wimps! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DMB Posted March 9, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 9, 2021 I agree. For awhile I thought things were getting just a little better. Then, something happens and you feel like it will NOT get any better. So, now I'm out here faking it with medication! It's been several days, and the physical symptoms have already disappeared. For me, I hope this helps get me thru the next few hurdles of finishing the beach cottage he started, and his first anniversary. He'll always be with me, and I'll always have some level of grief. It was the sheer level of stress on my body that I couldn't handle any longer. The being alone, and carrying on with things on our own. It is a whole new world, one which I didn't choose to participate in, yet if one of us had to go first, I'm Ok that it was him. I hate to think how he would have handled my death. Hope he's at least proud that I'm doing the best that I can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ScotJ65 Posted March 9, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 9, 2021 @Missy1 Yes, I feel that way too. It's fair to say that none of us will ever be quite the same again after losing the love of our life. I'd describe it as like battling through a storm, at first it hits you like a tornado & you just feel absolutely desolate. For some, it could take years to come out the other end, for others perhaps not so long. But the one thing that really keeps me going day to day is my absolute, unshakeable belief that I'm going to be reunited with my beautiful woman again. If I didn't believe, then the truth is I may not even have been here today. I hate this cruel, unjust life too. But I'm totally convinced there's another one to follow. One that's so perfect it's beyond comprehension. For you, for me and for all good people. So keep going, keep believing and be kind to yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoveNeverDies Posted March 9, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 9, 2021 There is two sides of me , the public side where I try to stay composed so people don’t think I’m a nut case and the private side when I’m home and a big weeping mess. It’s not getting any easier for me either, if fact people seem to think we get better as time goes by. It doesn’t get better at all !! I think we just learn to function without our love ones. But the pain and loneliness is always there . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted March 10, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted March 10, 2021 @jmmosley53 I like your perspective, we only have to fake it around those who don’t or can’t understand the depth of our grief. Which turns out to be most people except those who have gone through it. We will keep doing this as we have no choice. Maybe there is some light ahead, I hope so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted March 10, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted March 10, 2021 @Kay C I appreciate you so much, I want to find a new purpose someday. Serve God and be here for others as you have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted March 10, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted March 10, 2021 Someone shared this and it really stuck with me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SDC Posted March 10, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 10, 2021 Yes. I could have written your post myself. The one year mark is next month for me and I'm feeling as lost and panicky as I did soon after his death. I put on a show for people because no one seems to care how I really feel. I'm astounded and saddened by how quickly support fades. I don't know what I expected from people, but I didn't expect them to ignore my grief. It's all exhausting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted March 10, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 10, 2021 On 3/9/2021 at 12:19 AM, Missy1 said: Does anyone ever feel like every day is just pretending to be okay and in reality none of this is okay? People say, you will be okay, but I am not the same. I listened to some of his voice messages today, I needed to know that he was real and our love and life was real. 13 months ago seems like a thousand years but still the pain is like I lost him yesterday. I hate this life, always lost, looking for some peace, remembering the life when I laughed and looked forward to a future. This does not get easier as time passes, it gets more complicated. Yes, when I go to stores or to work, I have to put on a show face. Okay, from the eyes down because of the mask. When I'm alone though, I usually have tears in my eyes, then my true feelings come out. It's very difficult to try and hide the true emotions, but thankfully at work I am alone and can let it out in short spurts. When I'm out at stores, I feel like I'm naked without my wife beside me. She's not there and I feel like I'm the only one in the store, even though it is full of people. My mind feels detached from this reality, almost like an episode out of the Twilight Zone. I feel so empty, so lonely, every day is not getting better. I still long for my wife and for me, that will never change. 27 minutes ago, SDC said: I'm astounded and saddened by how quickly support fades. I don't know what I expected from people, but I didn't expect them to ignore my grief. It's all exhausting. Regarding the people that were tripping over themselves to offer help at the beginning, they've all evaporated into thin air. Thankfully, I do have a few good family members and friends that I can trust to at least chat for an hour or so. Like I said before, unless someone experiences the loss of their partner, they just don't care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Yoli Posted March 10, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 10, 2021 4 hours ago, SDC said: I put on a show for people because no one seems to care how I really feel. I'm astounded and saddened by how quickly support fades. I don't know what I expected from people, but I didn't expect them to ignore my grief. It's all exhausting. All I can say is, ditto. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 10, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted March 10, 2021 On 3/9/2021 at 7:38 AM, DMB said: I agree. For awhile I thought things were getting just a little better. Then, something happens and you feel like it will NOT get any better. So, now I'm out here faking it with medication! It's been several days, and the physical symptoms have already disappeared. For me, I hope this helps get me thru the next few hurdles of finishing the beach cottage he started, and his first anniversary. He'll always be with me, and I'll always have some level of grief. It was the sheer level of stress on my body that I couldn't handle any longer. The being alone, and carrying on with things on our own. It is a whole new world, one which I didn't choose to participate in, yet if one of us had to go first, I'm Ok that it was him. I hate to think how he would have handled my death. Hope he's at least proud that I'm doing the best that I can. This could have been written by me, I'm not on antidepressants but I do have anti-anxiety and sleep meds, we get through this however we can. I, too, am glad George isn't in my place suffering through this. I'm not sure he could have handled it. Nothing about this is easy. 19 hours ago, Missy1 said: @Kay C I appreciate you so much, I want to find a new purpose someday. Serve God and be here for others as you have. You will. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members myloss123 Posted March 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted March 17, 2021 Charade is the right word for this. I lost my fiance 16 months ago due to cancer. She fought it off for 2 years when they gave her 3 weeks. Eventually friends and family were informed, and they all disappeared at various points. I don't think anyone who hasn't gone through this loss of someone who is always there, who you decided to build a life with, understands, and are uncomfortable with what you say, including their name. I was in a fog the first year. It's gotten worse in this second year. People expect you to behave a certain way, like you're moving on, because they read some article, or saw a movie or show, and think that's reality. You're taught there are stages of grief, and every one has a duration and goes in order. As a psychologist, I believed it at first, until I had to go through it. I still have to put on faces for family, for friends, for clients. Different ones for everyone, in order to protect myself. We all do. It's hard doing this in my mid 30s, when I should be able to enjoy my life a bit, with plans we made, that are now completely gone. we just go on, pretending, protecting ourselves, as long as needed. There is no cure for this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 17, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted March 17, 2021 @myloss123 I am very sorry for your losses, I responded in your other post, so won't repeat myself, but I'm glad you've found your way here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.