Loss my mom to breast cancer

[Coleycole]

Hi, I recently lost my mother.. my best friend to breast cancer. Having a hard time finding support that understand this feeling of not knowing how to go on. Would love to chat with people that can understand where I’m at mentally. 

[James71]

Hi 

I watched my mother survive breast cancer at the age of 19 , I also lost her two weeks ago due to Covid , she was 54.

First of all i would like to say sorry for your loss.

I would also like to say I know how you feel and would like to think I know what you are going through. But we all have our own stages of grief and how to deal with the sadness of loosing a parent.

It hurts, our stomach churns but what is really getting me through is thinking about what my mother would be telling me as a person if she was here . Its finding your own coping mechanism and what triggers you.

 

 

[Coleycole]

I’m sorry for your loss.. I really like that mindset of thinking what my mother would say to me if she was here. Something that I want to keep at the forefront of my mind. My father died in 2018 from pancreatic cancer so I am stuck finding my way again after losing my mother. It’s never easy I am trying to take it one day at a time as best as possible. 

[ektk]

So sorry for your loss. I can feel.your pain intensely as I recently lost my mom as well. She suffered with cancer and illness for 10 years and although I know I should find comfort knowing she is no longer on pain, I also struggle with how to continue. Being a parent of.young kids myself, I know that it something happened to me, the only thing worse than seeing my kids sad would be seeing them not continue to live an enjoy life bc of my absense. I'm trying to get to a place where instead of thinking of my mom being gone, I'm trying to learn to have a different kind of relationship with her (spiritual one)...not sure what thato looks like yet though.

[Coleycole]

I am sorry for your loss, It is so hard to figure out how to go on. I have tried to connect with my mother spiritually as well so i can relate to that. I really try to keep the thought that my mother would like for me to proceed with living and be happy. But waking up with the gut wrenching feeling that I cannot talk to my best friend like I always do is still a serious struggle to get through. I know she would be disappointed with how I have been feeling and the feeling of not being able to go on. It makes me sad to know that. What types of methods have you used to connect with your mother spiritually if you don't mind me asking? I know I have recently tried some meditation.

[ektk]

I totally get it. I feel like I know all the things she would say to me and that she would want me to live for her and be happy....it's like I know all this stuff logically, but my heart doesn't quite get it ya know? I haven't done a whole lot yet as I'm still trying to find my way....so far I've just tried talking out loud to her and some attempts at meditation. Even though I saw her pass away, there are sometimes where I almost have to remind myself she is gone bc it feels like she isnt. I don't know if it's denial, or if it's that I feel her presence. I've actually thought about trying to talk to a medium to see if that brings me comfort. I've never done it before, but figure it couldn't hurt. Do you have siblings/other who were as close to her as you were? For me it has helped a little to talk to people who loved my mom on the same level as I did.

[BEQUET93]

I think the idea of realizing that you can still have a connection to the deceased is a good one. Mom and I went almost everywhere together, so, when I am driving, I will talk to her. She liked watching Westerns, so I will leave the television on one of those channels. I already had a little shrine for my grandma and I now have one for my mother. I like to paint and have been doing a new portrait of her, each month. On what would have been her 72nd birthday, I am going to release a balloon and buy a cake. When asked her favorite type of cake, she always said "birthday cake." She is no longer physically here, but that doesn't mean I can't keep her in my life. l wish you all the best. I know how very difficult it can be and it will definitely take some time, but we will all eventually feel better.

[Orlando Ooi]

Hi ColeyCole, I lost my mother to 4th stage colorectal cancer. She passed away on August 20 2019. Just this second, I joined this forum because I realized that i want to go through grief better or maybe i can help myself by sharing my stories with another person so on and so forth. Please do understand that each person goes through grief differently. I can tell you that I have come a long way from a guy who had to motivate himself just to drink a cup of water when i just lost my mum. 

From the moment my mother got cancer till her death, none of my family members nor friends even bothered to contact me or ask how i was doing when i was in another state studying for my degree. Thinking back, I chose to fulfill my mother's wish to see me graduate but sadly she passed away months before. Since you want to know where your stage of grief is at, let me share mine. For the first month, I was numb or rather shocked about her death. I kept hearing someone was crying. I was aware that no one was there so i understood it was my heart or mind. I visualized myself to walk towards that crying voice and told myself that everything is fine. I will be there for you was what i told myself. It was then i started to have dreams of my mother. There are times I woke up thinking I was hugging my mother but it was just my bolster. I finished my studies and went back to my hometown in another state. I find myself among family members who were grieving. I was angry at them because i felt that they did nothing for me and my dad. I was also confronting my own denial? Couldnt tell honestly. I couldnt believe she was gone. There are times where i can find myself just shy of hearing her calling me. Do know i was staying at my aunt's house. My dad probably decided it was best not to move back to the house my mother was in. I had dreams of eating a meal with her, dreams of going to her home in heaven and having a meal with her. It was very sad but also beautiful. My mother's final words to me was did i regret anything? I told her no because i will never regret trying to fulfill her wish of seeing me graduate. I will never regret giving her a goal or rather hope for her to cling on to. To fight for just another second just another moment. 

Two months after her death, I decided to move back to my own house with my dad. It was then i started to get bombarded with grief at its strongest or rather the most painful. It felt like a building just crashed onto my heart and it hurt like hell because of the memories or perhaps her presence. I realized that the heart cant be broken for it is made of flesh. It bleeds, it hurts but please remember that no matter how painful it is, it is because that person is important to you. I kept asking myself why am I in so much pain, did i do something wrong? why cant i be selfish for once? Like run to another state, maybe another country just to hide away from the pain but I did not run away. It is because you cant. I shut myself inside of my room, only to come out just to have meals. I didnt bath much, didnt sleep much, just indulged myself into playing dota 2. I used dota 2 as a distraction when my heart is roaring in pain and agony which occurs at night. I couldnt sleep well, I cried almost every night. I can tell you from experience that you should find something you can put your mind into. Not drugs or anything bad but like swimming or a personal hobby because it really helps to pull you through. It is a step by step process and I advise you to never give up. There was a time I was so angry at myself that I couldnt do more. I sat myself with a chair at the balcony and I asked myself, are I really giving up? I never did.  Today, i still feel the pain but it is at a manageable phase that I can write this reply without losing myself in grief or anger. Every morning, even now, I wake up feeling a ton in my chest. There are times where I cant muster up the strength to bring myself up. There are times when I thought i was done grieving only to be hit harder the next moment. It is very unpredictable at times when you are dealing with grief. What kept me going was that my mother asked me to take care of my father. The memories my mother and I spent together, with my dad or with others, it will never go away. I believe that no matter where we are, we are always connected in some form or some way. I may never hear her voice or feel her touch or her cooking or her nagging anymore, but I know that she will always be with me. Just like I will be always be with her too. Most important of all, this workaholic mum of mine gave up her job just so she can raise my sorry ass. I wouldnt be the person I am today if not for her and not for a moment where I will ever let her effort and love she has showed me go to waste. 

Imagine a guy trying to cope with grief only to be met with covid quarantine. Swimming was the only thing that did helped me through grief but sadly, I had to stay cooped up in my room again. So I decided to try my hand at meditation. At first, I dont even know what the hell i was doing. Just sitting there, feeling my own sensations. Being awareness of this pain that is either on or in my heart. I am not trying to sell meditation to you or anyone here but I learnt how to sit with the pain through meditation. Imagine someone is poking at you or tickling you while you are trying to focus on something. It is something like that. The pain in my heart is not going away anytime soon and I dont even know if it will ever. I am still learning how to cope with grief. Whether i like it or not, this thing that put me through so much is here to stay. I am already 24 this year. I got alot ahead of me, I am still job hunting and pray that i can get a job soon. You wanted to know which phase you are at, I have shared my own journey with you. I hope with my story, it can help you further understand where you are at right now but please understand that you may go through what I have written in a different sequence or perhaps even completely different. Unlike most, I had the chance to grief for a year without distractions or a job. So please dont feel discouraged if you think this is taking too long for you. Time will heal your wounds but it will not heal if you dont help yourself. The last person you should never give up on is yourself. The way i think is that, I am the only child of the family. There will be a day I will lose my dad too or perhaps my dad will lose me. I have to keep going regardless because, despite all the **** people I have met or will meet, no matter how much misfortune I may meet or met, dont ever give up because you can still live to see another day. I think i come from a well to do family in terms of finances so I cant speak much for the lower class income earners but I really mean it when i say it. I dont think the honored would want you to give up. Whenever you think you want to give up, please remember the times where someone helped you get back up on your feet, please remember the times where someone was there for you, do you really want them to see you give up? Dont you want to show them that you did not let their kindness go to waste? No matter how small or insignificant it is, it is the thought that counts and I hope you dont shunned away the people that have given you or showed you kindness. This is all i can say honestly. I hope whatever i have written here can help you along your journey in life. Good and bad days dont last forever. Cherish the good days and have the strength and courage to pull through the bad ones. Never ever seek a permanent solution to a temporary problem. God bless. I am going to sleep now.  

[Coleycole]

@ektk I can relate to this a lot. I am still in denial that she is gone, it really doesn't feel real at all. I also watched my mom die and it was the hardest thing that I have ever had to witness. I get anxiety just typing it because it brings me back to that moment so strongly. I talk to my mom out loud often as well; when my mom first died I had this super strength. I wasn't crying as much as I thought I would and I definitely believed that her spirit was giving me strength. I hope that visiting a medium will  give you some clarity. I have also been seeking out some ways to communicate with her or her spirit. I often feel like I cannot operate at all without her, and its hard for me to keep going but meditation has helped me through some of that. As far as someone as close to her as I was, I would say no. I do have a brother but he threw himself into work and had his first child while our mom was sick. I was her primary caretaker. I do have some family that checks on me sometimes, and me and my brother have been working together to handle her affairs. But damn its so hard!! just doing basic tasks feels so heavy. I wonder when or if that feeling will ever go away. 

[Coleycole]

@BEQUET93 I really enjoy that you honor your mother so much. I want to keep that in mind when I am feeling down, maybe think of ways that I can honor my mother. I do agree that it will get better eventually..I honestly don't think that it has hit me fully. It seems like every month that comes it gets harder. I am focusing on meditation and prayer to get me through and to help with the feeling of not wanting to go on. I need it more than ever at this point. I also got some crystals to help with healing. I hope it helps. 

[ektk]

@Coleycole I know what you mean by everything feels so heavy. Mornings are the worst for me. it's hard to get out of bed and do everyday tasks that seem so insignificant now. In the moments that I don't feel anxiety or the heaviness in my gut, I feel somewhat normal like nothing happened... I try to focus on these moments and feel like maybe it is her presence that has me calmed. Sorry to hear that you might feel like you are going through your emotions alone since your brother is a little bit disconnected from it...I suppose everybody handles it in a different way. Hopefully you can find some comfort in knowing that there are other people, like me, that are having to deal with similar struggles on a daily basis at the same time as you are. And as much as it hurts to think about being there when she passed I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that your presence calmed her and helped her in her transition to the next place. Please reach out when you ever need to vent.

[Coleycole]

@Orlando Ooi I'm sorry for your loss.  I just want to say that I hope that you are doing ok with COVID still going strong. It has def been challenging to I guess I would describe it as "staying above water". Or just hanging in there. Every day I think about my mom and how wonderful of a person she was. Just typing was is kind of triggering because I never imagined she would be gone by the time I turned 32. I am leaning on the support system that I do have in place. The only issue is that my married friends don't have much time for me. Most of my friends are married. But I am def not shying away from them in my times of need. I appreciate every time they help me get up when I feel myself slipping. I have also been actively making sure that I communicate openly with my brother. He has been reminding me that my mother would not like for us to fighting or not close during this time. He is in Minnesota so I cannot see him in person yet due to COVID. That has also been hard to deal with in regards to seeing family members and friends that are out of state. I am in a place that I have only been living in for almost 2 years and I really dont like it here. On top of grieving I have to deal with the estate for my mother because my father passed away in 2018 from cancer as well. I def feel like I am going to have cancer at some point and die as well. Maybe thats being negative but I feel like I am being a bit realistic. With that said I have def turned to meditation and crystals. Today I have an appointment with an online mental health company to possibly get therapy at this extremely hard time. It has been challenging but I will continue to fight.

[Orlando Ooi]

@Coleycole Thanks for the reply. It is understandable you would think that way but maybe you can do like a yearly medical checkup just to be safe. I am sorry to say that I cant help much. Advice given to me by my uncles, take things one step at a time. As for "staying above water", to me it was like navigating through a dark cave. Because to me, I dont know who i can lean on or trust.  None of them actually bothered to send like condolences or maybe just writing a short message like I hope you are doing well. etc etc. Instead, all i got was lies and "friends" trying to provoke me. It made me feel worse than it should but I learnt to accept that, perhaps they are busy with their lives too.I agree with you, it is hard right now but dont give up trying. All the best to you Coleycole. Maybe take a short vacation away just to take your mind off it.

[imissmydad55]

Hi there. Sorry about your mom. I just lost my dad three weeks ago.

I find a ton of comfort in talking to my other friends in their mid 30's who have lost parents. Thats where I get my immediate support from.

And obviously I am here for the same reason as you. I'm in denial, shock, fear and a state of sadness that 1000% has not fully hit me yet.

I don't know you and you don't know me, but if you'd like to have a phone call and just talk I am here for you. 

Vibes to you and I hope you take good care of your self.