A year ago

[Perro J]

My life changed, my future changed. A year ago I learned she had cancer. A year ago we believed we could defeat it. We were going to get married. We were going to travel together. We were going to do whatever we could to support one another. Help our dreams along. Somos un equipo - We are a team.

The story did not turn out like that.

She should still be here.

[Mark loves Sandra]

Yes. Just yes.

Somehow, by the luckiest twist of luck / fate / destiny / whatever, a person entered your life out of the clear blue and you knew she was it.  The more time you spent with her, the more clear it became -- this was your one.  That person that you would sacrifice everything for.  That person who made you feel unworthy of such trust, such intense love, such commitment.

She wasn't perfect -- she had her idiosyncrasies -- and they made you love her all the more.  You loved the complete woman.  You were "all in" -- the thought of spending your remaining days on this Earth loving her was the most fulfilling thought.  The adventures you would have.  The obstacles you would overcome.  The joys you would share.  Together, the world seemed like such a wonderful place.  You thanked whatever / whoever was responsible for this gift that had graced your life.

And then the rug was pulled out from under you.  Where once life had felt like your pearl, suddenly you were struggling to hold onto your gift, feeling her slipping out of your grasp.  Desperately wanting the intensity of your love to protect her, to ward off the darkness that was enveloping your angel.  Surely something so good, so wonderful, so powerful, couldn't simply blink out like a candle at the end of its wick?  And then it did.

Leaving you to rage against the darkness.  What was the point?  Why allow you to experience something so special, so deep -- and then take it away so cruelly.  That's not how it was supposed to go.  How can she just be gone?  Not here for you to feel the warmth of her kiss, the strength of her embrace, the depth of her love.  Did you really experience all of that?  Was it real, or just some fantastic dream?  Yes, it was real, if only for a fleeting moment of time.  And now a piece of you is gone.

This just cannot be.  But it is. She's not in your arms.  Her clothes hang lifelessly in the closet. Where is she?  The deep aching feeling in your chest tells you everything -- she's not with you.

It can't be like this.  But it is.   You need her back.  It's just not fair.

Knowing what you feel,

-- Mark

[Sparky1]

Mark, you put to words exactly how I feel about my wife. So many thoughts going through my head, wondering why, how, if, and so on. So many questions and no answers, I can't comprehend why this life shattering event has come into my life. I know there has to be reasons why, but I don't know what they are. The pain is unbearable at times and it feels so hopeless that the despair  overwhelms me. I still can't believe she's gone, little things trigger me very easily and it gets repeated over and over.

[AnnRA]

Hello Perro, Mark, Sparky —  Yes, how good it was until the day that each of our happiness ended. When the future sounded good, not unbearable.  I am finding I just cannot look back.....yet...... but we will be able to, when the pain gradually lessens a bit. 

Our loved ones now definitely want us to go forward, just day by day. Remember that they STILL DO LOVE US. THEY ARE HERE WITH US, but we cannot touch them, see them. I am trying so hard to be the best I can be, for him, until i can do it for myself. 

Try to focus on the love, not the sickness, not the end, not the loss.  That is what they want us to do now....that is what we would want for them, if we were the ones who left them.     My heart goes out to each of you. 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, AnnRA said:

Remember that they STILL DO LOVE US. THEY ARE HERE WITH US, but we cannot touch them, see them.

Thank you for this positive input.  It's the hardest thing in the world, yet we know our love never stopped, just because we can't see/touch/interact as we once did, the love continues...hang on by faith/hope until we can be together again.

[foreverhis]

On 3/7/2021 at 3:28 PM, Perro J said:

My life changed, my future changed. A year ago I learned she had cancer. A year ago we believed we could defeat it.

I'm so sorry you have faced one of the most painful "anniversaries."  I do understand that feeling of, "Okay, this is cancer; it's bad.  We are going to beat it!"  I simply could not believe that we wouldn't make it through as we had every other challenge.

There are no magic words I can say to help you.  All I can say is that I am thinking of you and sending you huge virtual ((HUGS)).

[Perro J]

Thank you foreverhis, I always enjoy reading what you write.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

All I can say is that I am thinking of you and sending you huge virtual ((HUGS))

Ditto, I am a "fixer" but this is one thing none of us can "fix."  All we can do is send our support and caring thoughts & prayers @Perro J...and that we do.