I am new to this

[Emarie]

Hello, my boyfriend of over a year committed suicide 27 days ago and I found him. We have lived together everyday before this whole pandemic started and we were so happy and loved being with eachother. I thought he was my forever my everything and when he was upset i was upset when he was happy i was happy. He always made sure I knew he loved me and I just don't understand what he was going through, I seen no signs of anything and after being together everyday for a year i think i would have. I miss him so much it hurts so bad all the memories now just hurt I have to try to push them away. I want him to come home, this is not real. He would never do this to me, his two kids, the dogs, his parents. It's all just so much. 

[Perro J]

Hello Emarie.

My sincere condolences to you. It is absolutely overwhelming at first. My, and the experience of many others here, is that the grief comes in waves. You'll feel a little better, then a lot worse, then not as bad, etc. The pattern doesn't seem to be exactly the same for anyone and there doesn't appear to be much rhyme nor reason to it. I wish you hadn't cause to join us but welcome nonetheless. I hope you find some comfort and solace here.

[SDC]

I'm terribly sorry for your boyfriend's death and for the trauma you experienced. You must be overwhelmed with sadness, confusion, anger, and helplessness. Are you talking to a professional? I hope you are or soon plan to. All death is hard, but suicide is different and harder (not that loss is quantified or a competition--but suicide of a loved one is absolute trauma). I think you need someone who has experience helping someone who lost a loved one to suicided. Coming here is helpful---we've all lost our closest person (my spouse died suddenly last April at 56) and we relate to each other's emotional turmoil. I think reading through posts would provide some solace--to validate that all you're feeling is "normal" in the brutality of grief. I also suggest you find any suicide survivor resources online. Hugs from an internet stranger. 

[Sparky1]

Emarie, I am very sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. Losing a partner to me is the worst loss that anyone can endure. The grieving comes with many emotions and trust me, what you feel is common among most of us. Guilt, fear of the future, anger, emptiness, loneliness, etc. I know I have gone through all of them and I am still going through them. Coming here and sharing your emotions will help as you can find some comfort, since we understand what it means to lose a partner.

[steveb]

Emarie, I am so very sorry for your loss and pain.  My wife committed suicide on 31 July 20. I found her.  My life was shattered into a million pieces.  Slowly, I’ve been piecing my life back together, but it will never be the same. This forum and the wise advice provided, has helped me immensely. We are here for you.  Lean on others that you love and trust.  My children and I will never truly know why their mom took her life, but we definitely knew that she loved us.  Just like your boyfriend loved you. Again, I hope we can help you. God bless, Steve

[KayC]

@Emarie  I am so sorry!  I can't help but feel suicide is one of the hardest because so many unanswered questions.  It was not you, I can assure you, it's something he struggled with so I hope you don't blame yourself wondering what you missed, because they usually keep this struggle within themselves private.  I knew someone who also committed suicide, I'd known him all his life and close to his whole family, he also was a coworker (boss' son) he never gave any indication he was going to do this.  He was getting therapy but evidently didn't think he could make it one more day to his appt.  Losing someone suddenly/unexpectedly is very rough as it's hard to process!  But then so is watching someone die slowly, I've been through both.  However you look at it, it's very hard on the griever.

I welcome you here and hope you'll continue to come here, read and post.  It does help to know others are going through similar things as otherwise we might think we were crazy or losing grip.  You're not alone here.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.