Nightmares about seeing my Dad before his funeral

[Astridan]

Hi all. I am suffering with nightmares and flashbacks when I am awake, of seeing my dad at the chapel of rest the day before his funeral. He died unexpectedly on 1st December last year at a very young age (a coroner investigation is opening) and I hadn’t seen him in over 13 years him before he passed. I have little memories of him and these are no so pleasant, as he struggled with drink and drugs and couldn’t be around me. I always wanted to have a relationship with him but he was too deep in his addictions to consider this. His funeral took place on Christmas Eve. The images of seeing him for the last time in his coffin haunts me every day and every night. I wake up crying. I try to block it out, think about something else but it is destroying me. Has anyone else experienced this type of trauma and have any advice? Many thanks 

[Monty]

Hi Astridan,

I am so sorry for your loss.
My Mum died suddenly 4 years ago and I too experienced flashbacks all the time. Like seeing her on the floor, seeing her in the body bag. All of the police and ambulances, soo many people, the flashing lights and my father’s voice as he told me. I would also wake up crying. I can tell you that as time has gone on these images/flashbacks became less for me and now happen every now and then but are not as intense. I now wake up crying for a different reason as I too recently lost my Dad. 

You are not only grieving the loss of your Dad but the loss of a relationship you wish could have been if he had managed to overcome his addictions. Now that has been taken from you too.

Most importantly be kind to yourself. I hope this helps. 

 

 

 

[Astridan]

Hi Monty, thank you so much for your reply, it has made me cry tears of relief- I am not the only one who has these images and flashbacks. I hate them so much but I hope it will get less as time goes on, everything still feels raw at the moment (plus I started my promotion in January) I am feeling exhausted! Thank you so much again 

[mp1985]

Astridan, I lost my dad three weeks ago, and because of COVID, I hadn't seen him in a year, and couldn't see him at the wake or funeral in person. And these flashbacks - these memories - I saw him everywhere, and they still come to me now, at moments that shock me, out of nowhere. I knew I had to see him again before he was buried, but I cried as the iphone holding me was raised to him. I couldn't, however, see the burial, I couldn't bring myself to watch the funeral. And I'm ok with that, though I cried for days, wondering if that decision would haunt me. I echo what Monty said - be kind to yourself. Grief isn't just about the death, it's about losing what could have been, the memories you might have had. Do what makes sense for you. We are doing the best that we can. That's all we can ask of ourselves. 

[cc367]

Hi Astridan, I lost my dad about a month and half ago. He lived by himself and was not found for days. It was not unusual for his phone reception to be spotty (as he lived far out away from town) and we just thought it was another incident where his phone was acting up. He had not been sick and his death was completely unanticipated. 

I finally went on my two hour drive to go check on him figuring he would just be fine. Even picked up a meal for us. My biggest concern had been getting him vaccinated for Covid 19 and I had finally gotten him an appt which he was excited to go to the next week. Little did I know then.

I got a little scared when I went to his mailbox and found mail that had been there for about a week. Then when I drove to his house I saw a delivery from UPS on his door that had not been brought inside and I began to worry. Long story short: I found him face down on the floor dead. He had turned blue. When they turned him over his nose was bent and he had blood coming out of his mouth. The funeral people could not embalm him. The first funeral home said we would not be able to view him at all. I had him transferred to another funeral home and they suggested we see only his hands. This was better than nothing but not normal. It felt strange seeing the cloths covering him and only seeing two hands crossed over his body. It was hard to say goodbye to just hands. The next day my other sister and I went in and saws him again and we chose to see his face this time. It was swollen and purple but it was my dad and I was able to say goodbye to him. I needed this closure. They had advised us not to see him but I'm glad I did. This was not the way I wanted it but it was the way it was.

I had not seen my dad this year as much as I normally did but we were close and had a good relationship. Still now I beat my self up for not going out there more often and I have played out my final visit to him many times. Why didn't I go sooner. Did he suffer or did he die immediately. I hope for the later but I will never, never know....and that will haunt me forever. 

So my point to you is it is never easy to see our loved ones deceased, It does haunt us for sometime. Our minds spin and spin out of control. I couldn't do anything except stare into space for the first month. I still find my mind playing our conversations we had toward the end over and over. I have regrets for what I didn't say. Did I act caring enough when he told me he was overwhelmed with the repairs to his house or did I seem unconcerned. A thousand things I would do different now if only I could. So, you see it doesn't matter if we are close to them or if we haven't seen them for a long time. Either way death sucks!!! It is the worst and it will mess with your mind for some time. Death is the worst but we have to forgive ourselves and move on.  I am only now beginning to do this and I still think about him all the time. But there are hours that go by that I enjoy life and I am surprised by my will to keep going. I even feel guilty for being okay but then I remind myself that he would want me to be happy and to go on. He would rather have a functioning daughter then the zombie daughter that I became immediately after his death. Hope this helps. Please have faith that this will pass in time and be good to yourself!!

 

 

[Astridan]

On 3/7/2021 at 3:00 AM, mp1985 said:

Astridan, I lost my dad three weeks ago, and because of COVID, I hadn't seen him in a year, and couldn't see him at the wake or funeral in person. And these flashbacks - these memories - I saw him everywhere, and they still come to me now, at moments that shock me, out of nowhere. I knew I had to see him again before he was buried, but I cried as the iphone holding me was raised to him. I couldn't, however, see the burial, I couldn't bring myself to watch the funeral. And I'm ok with that, though I cried for days, wondering if that decision would haunt me. I echo what Monty said - be kind to yourself. Grief isn't just about the death, it's about losing what could have been, the memories you might have had. Do what makes sense for you. We are doing the best that we can. That's all we can ask of ourselves. 

Thank you so much and I am so sorry for your loss. You are right about grieving not just being about death, so so true and something I never thought about before. I am rethinking my whole life with him, trying to find new meaning to it it hurts so much 

[Astridan]

Hi cc367 I am feeling just like you, I am haunted day and night. There is an coroner investigation to determine his cause of death. I feel like a awful daughter, he never kept in touch. I found out from the homeless shelter he was getting help from, he was in a bad way before he died and had bitten some of his tongue off a week before he died due to a seizure. I want to go back in time and help him, bring him home with me and support him. I keep thinking what if and it eats me up. Sending love and strength to you 

[cc367]

You cant blame yourself for something that was not in your control like him not keeping in touch. It would be so hard to find out about your fathers passing through the shelter. How awful that he was suffering before he died and had the seizure. I know you want to help but you probably helped him more than you know by not turning your back on him and loving him even though he had not been there for you in many ways. Do you know how incredible that makes you!!

The waiting is the worst. It must feel like an eternity waiting for the investigation to be finalized.

I can relate with the waiting in this way.... The Sherriff that came (the night I found my dad) out took some pictures of my dad and said he'd look again at my dad to determine if there was any foul play once the mortuary people came and turned him over. But when the mortuary people arrived to pick up his body many hours later (they said it was one of the worst bodies decay wise that they had ever picked up..which hurt me to hear)... the Sherriff just drove off. He never looked at my dad again. So, my sisters and I wanted to know what the cause of death was...did he have a stroke, a heart attack, Did he fall and hit his head and pass out, but when he went to the first mortuary it was like they stole his body and we no longer had access to him any longer. It was awful.  We entertained an autopsy at first but since the sheriff listed natural causes we would have to foot the bill for an autopsy out of our own pocket. I think the family ends up paying most of the cost for autopsies anyway sadly.

Then when I couldn't get a Doctor to sign the death certificate his body lay in the mortuary un-embalmed rotting away. It was awful. I had to pick out a casket for him and noticed they had all these candles burning that they had not had lit previously. When I went into the casket area to select one..I could smell the horrible rotten smell...It made me feel like the worst daughter ever...I would have had him cremated but he had teared up once when he told me to cremate him to save money. Therefore, I felt that option was out...

 The funeral was about 10,000 and I didn't know if I could pay for the autopsy so I gave up that notion. Now, I wish I had of had it done. It would provide some much needed closure. But even if I had an autopsy done it still wouldn't take away the pain that he died alone, and may have suffered for hours/days... This article helped me to cry and move on a little. I hope it helps you too. 

Please don't blame yourself for the loss of a loved one:

I don’t know why it happens. I don’t know when. I don’t know if there’s any underlying plan or reason. Sometimes I feel just like you—angry, lonely, scared, sad, confused—and I shake my fist at the sky, asking God over and over again. Why?

Why does He take the ones we love away?

If I could give you an answer, I would.

I believe it’s because He has bigger plans for their lives, or He wants to rid of their suffering, or He wants us to lean into Him, to trust Him, even on our darkest days.

But we are only human.

And letting go of the ones we love and lose is hard. Is so very hard.

But I want you to understand something. I want you to hold this close to your heart and never let it go. I want you to know that you are a good person. A good man, a good woman, a good daughter or son, a good father or mother, a good friend or lover or wife or husband or person walking on this earth.

I don’t know what makes fate play out as it does.
I don’t know God’s plan any more than you do.

But I do know that death is something humans cannot control.

We cannot put our finger on the answers. We cannot create a fix that will keep the ones we love from slipping through our tight grasps. We cannot make sense of when they will leave us, or why it happens when it does.

But we must know that in their death, their pain is lifted. That they are free of this earth and the struggle that comes with it.

Please, find comfort in your loss. Know that the person you love is looking down on you, is proud of you, is so filled with love for you.

You cannot take responsibility for their passing. You cannot carry the weight of their death on your shoulders like a lead blanket, dragging you further and further down.

You must know that you did what you could.

That you loved them while they were alive, even in their brokenness. You loved them even when they didn’t deserve it, and maybe you could have loved more, sure, we can all play that painful game with our hearts. But what matters is that you did love. Is that you were there.

Is that you mourn their loss. And now hopefully celebrate their life.

I know I cannot take away your pain or make the loss any smaller. And I don’t want to. You need to grieve. You need to feel. You need to let yourself heal, piece by piece, moment by moment, day by day.

But I want you to know that you are not at fault. That you are not a bad person because the one you love lost their battle. There is nothing you could have done differently to change the course of life, to change God’s plan, to change the path we are traveling on.

You loved. That’s what matters. And you love now.

And you will keep loving. You will make a purpose for this loss, you will use it to move forward, to become stronger, to bless the lives around you.

So please dig yourself out of the hole you’ve created. Release your guilt, your fear, your anger, your pain to the sky and breathe in fresh air.

You are a wonderful person. Your existence matters. And in the absence of someone else’s existence, you need to hold onto that even more.

Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Let go.
Trust that there is a purpose for pain and a reason for the end of a life.

And lean into love once again.
The world needs your smiling face.