How to live with rational guilt

[SunnyM]

It's not the first time I lost a parent and I'm not new to grief and guilt. I'm intelligent enough to know the difference between rational and irrational kinds of guilt after death of a loved one. I struggled with mostly irrational guilt when mom died and somehow I managed to forgive myself about those. About things I didn't and couldn't have known. About accidentally hurting her while taking care of her at the hospital. Even about feeling grateful to be alive while she was dying.

Now I'm paralyzed with a rational guilt. Rational, because I was fully aware of the wrongness of my action as I was doing it. I did it anyway. I took care of my dad for 4 months before he passed away. I didn't get more than a few hours of sleep a night and towards the end I was so exhausted on many levels that I didn't get up to hold his hands when he reached out in despair. Not every time. I even was angry at him for making me go through what I can easily call an inhuman situation. The fact that I did hold his hands for 4 months is not helping me forgive myself for that 5 times I didn't. The fact that a human being has her limits of exhaustion is not helping me forgive myself. 

I don't want to not feel guilty. I don't want to hear that it wasn't my fault. I did something wrong and I need to carry the burden of it. I just need help from anyone who had similar experience about how to carry it and still continue to live. The weight has made living unbearable. 

[Monty]

I have no words of wisdom as I have not been through what you have been through. I can only imagine how physically and emotionally exhausting and devastating it is to watch your loved one like that and be caring for them.

I too am not a stranger to grief and have experienced rational and irrational guilt at the loss of my parents. I know that guilt is a normal part of grief for many but it does not make it any easier. My father sent me a text message asking for help as he had collapsed. I did not find it for an hour as I was working. I feel intense guilt over this? Would his outcome have been different if I had sought him help earlier? 
 

All I can say is that you are only human. You have physical and emotional boundaries and it sounds like you reached those many times over. You did an incredible thing for your Dad. Caring for him like you did. Hopefully one day those images you have of him reaching out to you will be replaced with happier memories of earlier times.

Take care. I am sorry for your loss. 

[SunnyM]

Thank you Monty. You couldn't have known about your father's collapsing. We can't check our messages every second. And I fully understand your guilt, it is a natural part of grieving. Yes, it was excruciating to watch my dad suffer for 4 months, but I don't believe what I did was anything special. It was natural that I took care of him. 

I know you're right about being human. The pain is making me question my humanity. For some reason I feel less human after this whole experience.

In my humble opinion people die when they want to. I don't have any religious belief about this, I've just seen it over and over. Even in the untimely death of a 4 year old boy as a result of an accident. On a very deep unconscious level, people choose to die. They choose the timing and the reasons are not visible to most, including the dying person. And that's ok. So even if you got your father's message on time and the result was different, it all would depend on his soul's desire. My dad was so  obsessed about having cancer for 2 years that he finally brought it upon himself. He was longing for it without being aware of anything. The cancer couldn't kill him, Covid couldn't kill him despite his many other serious diseases, but an extremely rare side effect of a medicine did. A medicine he insisted on taking against all odds. 

I'm sorry for your loss too. I hope you can find peace.