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I lost the most important person in my life


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On January 29th I lost my mother twice. Once a week we would meet at her house, drive to the grocery store, pick up groceries, come back to her house, and have lunch. Because she had a basketball sized hernia I would bring in her groceries for her. Since I didn't have to work on Fridays this worked out well and with her being important in my life would do everything to be apart of her life. If she wanted to watch XYZ on Netflix and i was free I'd come over. She lived less than a mile away from my apartment, so was glad to stop by. 

Nothing seemed out of the normal on Friday. I brought her groceries in and we were discussing lunch and five minutes later she said she felt dizzy. She sat down on the dining chair and started having problems breathing and gasping for air. I didn't want to try and nudge her to the floor because of the hernia and potentially doing more bad than good. At this time I called emergency services and gave them the address and moments later she quit breathing. She became unresponsive. Her eyes rolled up and her tongue was blue. I panicked and started shaking her shoulders (carefully) and yelling MOM...MOM...excessively and she came back. After the phone call I had called my grandmother that mom was having a health emergency and that EMTS were on the way. Relayed what hospital she would be taken to and everything that came to mind. 

When the EMTS came she was throwing up and saying 'she's okay...she's okay'. Which she definitely wasn't and agreed to go to the hospital. I would have driven up there myself but covid restrictions and figured it would be better for her mother to be there. The other element that played into this was that she gained legal guardianship of an individual twenty years ago that's diagnosed with multiple behavior and physical limitations. THANK GOD SHE WAS NOT HOME AND WAS AT WORK. That would have made the situation a thousand times worse. 

For two hours I paced back and forth in the living room and prayed for a miracle to whatever God that may or may not be listening (or if a God even exists)... just begging that she was okay. 

I got a call from my grandmother's line and my mom was on the line. She sounded like her chipper self. She said her blood pressure was seventy over forty and that they were going to do tests to find out what happen. A SIGH OF RELIEF LEFT MY LIPS. Again everything seemed to be okay. That she would be getting discharged within the next seventy two hours or possibly even that day. I said I love you and will speak with you in a bit. 


I got a call from my grandmother saying that she had another heart attack when they put the heart cath. in and that she coded twice. I BOLTED TO THE HOSPITAL. The security were hesitant of letting me inside and I pleaded with them. Even broke down in front of them. Thankfully they let me in where I was sitting with grandma. About twenty...thirty minutes later the doctor came in saying that she was gone. 


My mother was very important to me. She accepted me for being gay. She accepted me for me. She had a heart of Gold. If you had someone who needed a bedroom because they were in a bad situation she'd offer you hers while she slept on the couch. She cared about her family and others beyond comprehension.

I love my father, but given the physical, mental, and sexual abuse and history of derogatory comments to people of color, women, LGBTQA+ community, homeless, abortionists, muslims, etc I kept a distance. I didn't want to be around that type of hatred.

I've never been close to my siblings due to large age gaps and really don't have many friends given my introvertedness.

Aunts and uncles live hours away

I lost only person that supported me for liking guys and enjoying cosplay. The one who served as a support beam through all the years. 

I'm going to miss having coffee with her regularly while she fed the squirrels that visited her every morning. 

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My heart goes out to you, my Mother was also the center of my life, I lost her on 2/26/2021. She meant the world to me, I have chronic health problems and I find that making friends is a very difficult proposition as most people run from you when you are sick, so I basically gave up on trying. My Mother was always there for me no matter what, I lost my one and only true friend when my Mother died.

From one person in suffering to another I offer you my condolences, we both need to find a new purpose in life. Days before my Mother died she said "Don't you dare die on me." She knew that I would take her death extremely hard, but she wanted me to live my life the best way I know how and to take care of myself with every fiber of her being. I am sure that your Mother loved you with her whole being also and that she wants the same for you, to not give up and to live the best life you can. Right now I am sure that we both have no clue how to do this as we both lost the only person in this world who truly understood us, but to honor the love our Mother's gave us we need to try no matter how hard it is. Please try to take care of your health both physically and mentally.




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