guilt and grief

[Valerie Rose]

I lost my husband 3 months ago.  We were ever so close. Everybody around says they thought our couple was wonderful. The day before he died, I told him how much I loved him. I didn't know he was going to die.

He died suddenly and unexpectedly, and I didn't have time to say good bye, or to ask for forgiveness for the stupid little things I did.  Anyway, I am now going through the guilty phase.  I feel bad about all the petty things I did.  I wonder if others feel like me. 

[ScotJ65]

@Valerie Rose I'm so sorry for your loss & having been through the same experience I can relate to how you're feeling. My beautiful partner died last November. She was my world and I miss her so much. Everyone who has lost the love of their life will go through a multitude of emotions, including guilt, despair, anger and confusion. I know I certainly did and still do. Could I have helped more? Did I say the right things? Why wasn't I there for her when she needed me? Did I tell her enough how much I love her? It's perfectly natural and normal to ask yourself these questions. You're not alone, and will find plenty of support on here. God bless you and thanks for sharing your journey.

[Valerie Rose]

Thank you so much.  It's good to know others feel like me.  I lost my lovely husband in November too. It was so sudden and unexpected.  I thought he was going to live forever, and of course I think about moments when we argued, when I was stressed or lost my temper for nothing at all. How nagging I was. And now I would be happy to take on all the stress in the world just to have him back. I too think about what I could/should have said or done. More reassurance maybe. Being there more, listening to him more, all that sort of thing. Make things really really good for him. It's so important to remember all the love we shared, all the happy moments, our happy life, our closeness. I found a good webinar on Youtube which explains the mechanics of guilt and grief, would it help you or anyone else ? 

[ScotJ65]

@Valerie Rose Yes I'm sure the webinar would be of interest to many people. Thank you so much for that.

[Valerie Rose]

Here's the link. I have found it very useful coping with the difficult guilt feelings I've had on and off since my lovely husband died.  I still find it hard writing "died" - it's as if he hasn't left.... 

Anyway, here's the link : I hope it will help others. 

 

[KayC]

@Valerie Rose  Welcome here, although I am very sorry for the reason you're here.  Losing my spouse was the hardest thing I've ever been through and losing the dog that was by my side all these years in my aloneness felt very akin to that. 

Guilt is very normal/common in early grief, we none of us get the benefit of hindsight beforehand.  Sudden unexpected death leaves us no time to process anything, we're just in shock, grappling to assimilate this.  

Thank you for sharing the video, it's sweet you're trying to help others in the midst of your own pain.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Valerie Rose]

Thank you so very much for your welcome post.  It's so nice to feel a sense of belonging to a community.  As you wrote, losing the love of my life has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to face. I thought we would be together forever, and whilst I know we will meet again, there isn't a day when I don't feel heavy with grief and sadness. Sharing some of that helps. Thank you

[Sparky1]

Valerie, I am sorry for the loss of your husband. The end of last year was bad it seems for a lot of us. I lost my wife at the end of October and am still having a hard time with it. She was my world, my everything and every day I wonder how I can live the rest of my life without her. Life without her is so empty and lonely, the house is not the same without her beautiful presence, the sound of her sweet voice. I also believe that we will be together again but the waiting is very torturous.

[Yoli]

Valerie, I too share your feelings of guilt. For little things and big things. All of the things I could have done better. I lost my partner suddenly in May last year. The weight of the grief feels like it could tear me in half. I can't bring myself to say 'died', I always say 'passed'.

[Valerie Rose]

Yes, we will be together again. I'm sure of that. So many signs ...  I find a lot of comfort when I read about near death experiences; I know that my lovely husband is in a much better world where he is now and I'll join him there. As for the guilt, Yoli, if you find it in yourself to watch the webinar I gave  a link for, you'll find you're not alone at all to have those awful feelings. Guilt seems to be a part of bereavement. The webinar has given me comfort and suggestions as to how to deal with it. It's so easy to think of the things we feel we should have done better, and to forget the lovely moments, the joy, the happiness we had with our loved ones. Please remember you're a good person and you were loved. That's what counts. Take care. 

[Valerie Rose]

Sparky, I'm sure your wife wants you to be as well as can be.  She is in a much better world now where time and space don't matter.  She's looking after you.  Where love is, there is light and beauty.  Our loved ones are with us, each step of the way.  It's just hard for us not to have their physical presence. But I'm sure that if we open our heart to them, we will sense them close to us. Do take care. 

[SDC]

I'm sorry for your loss. It's brutal. I lost my love suddenly last year after an accident (he was 56). Guilt is a tiresome part of grief. Well, it's all tiresome. Our brains do truly weird stuff while grieving. I ruminate about my behavior during the 38 years we knew each other, of course focusing on the worst of myself. It's exhausting and self-destructive. I'm finally better at stopping the guilty thoughts before they start looping. 

Your grief is very raw and new. Be patient and kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself for wherever your mind goes or how you react/behave. Don't let anyone tell you what to do or shame you for how you act/how you feel. Some practical advice: be careful driving (you're distracted) and be sure to drink water. 

[Valerie Rose]

Thank you.  It's so very useful feeling supported. Knowing that others are embarked on the same journey of grief. I'm so grateful. Thank you

[Gail 8588]

MikeyD, 

I am so sorry you are still in such a hard place. You and I are the same age and we both lost our spouse in 2017, though my loss was about 5 months before yours. 

I hope that you can find a way to go on after your mother passes.  Perhaps as the nation, and the world, comes out of this pandemic there will be reason to live.   

You are clearly a caring and generous guy, having taken care of your wife through her cancer and now taking care of your mom.  You deserve to have a contented and happy couple of decades ahead.  

Don't give up. 

Gail

 

 

[jmmosley53]

I sometimes think about how it would be if I had a DO OVER.  If every action and word were filled with perfect kindness.  It would still hurt when he died, I would still cry, my heart would still be broken.  

Someone once said to me 'you must get something out of it, you keep doing it'   That comment  made me wonder what I get out of my feelings of guilt.  I don't know the answer.

[widower2]

On 3/2/2021 at 4:07 AM, Valerie Rose said:

I lost my husband 3 months ago.  We were ever so close. Everybody around says they thought our couple was wonderful. The day before he died, I told him how much I loved him. I didn't know he was going to die.

He died suddenly and unexpectedly, and I didn't have time to say good bye, or to ask for forgiveness for the stupid little things I did.  Anyway, I am now going through the guilty phase.  I feel bad about all the petty things I did.  I wonder if others feel like me. 

As you've seen from the other replies, absolutely. Grief and guilt are old friends. It's inevitable and I suspect extremely extremely few if any don't feel it. We all rue how we didn't say I love you enough, or show it enough, or appreciate that person enough, no matter how much we did so. Take it from a world champion.  

I know this is easier said than done, but try to go easy on yourself. I think beating ourselves up is largely a way to vent, to justify how horrible we feel, not necessarily a valid justification for our alleged "crimes." Keep that in mind.........

 

[Valerie Rose]

Mickey D and everyone else who's reacted to this post about guilt, you're all so nice and supportive. Surely, the fact that we're talking on this forum about how terrible we feel, how sad, lonely, broken we are since our loved one has gone, that says something about us being ok people. Doesn't it. A friend of mine said to me yesterday (she's not lost her husband) that they get stressed at times by everyday life, and they get impatient with eachother.  She says she then feels guilty about what she's said to him... so you see, you don't need to lose your spouse to feel guilty.  We ALL get stressed and impatient; there is no relationship without occasional arguments I don't think. And if that relationship exists, then, it must be wonderful.  Mickey, take courage. You are not alone.  My mother too has Alzheimer and my daughter is battling with depression.  I feel as though my whole world has collapsed, but I want to remember all the beautiful things my lovely husband and I have shared, and how we will share again after this life. There must be a meaning to all this. Thank you everyone. 

[Roxeanne]

3 hours ago, Valerie Rose said:

. A friend of mine said to me yesterday (she's not lost her husband) that they get stressed at times by everyday life, and they get impatient with eachother.  She says she then feels guilty about what she's said to him... so you see, you don't need to lose your spouse to feel guilty. 

Feeling guilty for us is so heavy 'cos we not longer have a chance to apologize.

It seems obvious but it makes all the difference in the world!

We are at the foot of a wall which is impossible to climb.

Even if sometimes i think that our loved ones could answer us, they would probably tell us: "honey i really don't care!"

[KayC]

11 hours ago, MikeyD said:

I wanted to say I loved her always. I never got the chance. That’s something I can’t let go.

@MikeyD  If you told her while she was comatose, she may very well have heard you.  My sister was in a horrid car accident when she was 25, it took her three year old son, she was brain damaged and left quadriplegic, they butchered her vocal chords trying to save her.  She was in a coma for 4 1/2 months.  She later told me she heard people come into her room and talk about everything but didn't talk to HER.  I never forgot that (I was 14 at the time).  I learned to talk to people in comas, proceeding on the premise that they could hear.  Another thing, we don't know a lot about how all this works, who is to say they can't hear us when we talk to them after they die?  I talk to George, I even talk to my Arlie (dog that passed).  Journaling helps too.  You can write a message to her and burn it, so the words contained go to her on a vapor.  I doubt there's anything we haven't tried, and none of it's wrong.  Faith is believing in something you can't see or prove, I proceed on faith, it's all I have.

 

9 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

You deserve to have a contented and happy couple of decades ahead.  

Don't give up. 

I agree, even though you can't see it right now, the pain eventually diminishes and we learn to look for good and embrace it, it helps.

 

7 hours ago, widower2 said:

Grief and guilt are old friends.

For sure, it's very common in early grief.  
 

5 hours ago, Valerie Rose said:

We ALL get stressed and impatient

Yes, none of us are perfect beings.
 

 

 

2 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Even if sometimes i think that our loved ones could answer us, they would probably tell us: "honey i really don't care!"

Yes!

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Faith is believing in something you can't see or prove, I proceed on faith, it's all I have.

Kay, thank you. That is the exact sentiment that I have. We're left devastated by the loss of our loved one, and there is only hope that one day we can be together again. Without that, I have nothing. Life is very tough, and we have to forge ahead. I know I myself have lots of questions, and don't know the answers or the reasons why, but by faith I have hope.

[Maria_PI]

@KayC wow! Thank you for sharing this experience with your sister! Although I am sorry for what happened to her! But it's so rare that we can have a feedback from someone who has been in a coma. I do believe they can hear even though they can't react or respond. My husband was in a coma for over 24 hours waiting for the hospice to move him to our home. I talked to him all the time even brought his basses to touch them while he lay there. Then I had to drift for a few hours after being awake for over 24 h myself. Then something woke me up in the middle of the night, I felt his pulse and couldn't find it, although he was still breathing through the machine. Then I thought this was it and I had to call his daughter in South Africa to give her a chance to say good bye. She spoke to him to tell him she loved him, asked for forgiveness and not even 15 minutes after we closed the call he drew his last breath. You could see the peace on his face. I think he heard every single thing that was going on around him till the very end. I don't know about after that but I still talk to him often and sit with him on occasions like Valentines Day or our anniversary and feel completely at peace as if he is really there across from me. 

[widower2]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

@MikeyD  If you told her while she was comatose, she may very well have heard you.  My sister was in a horrid car accident when she was 25, it took her three year old son, she was brain damaged and left quadriplegic, they butchered her vocal chords trying to save her.  She was in a coma for 4 1/2 months.  She later told me she heard people come into her room and talk about everything but didn't talk to HER.  I never forgot that (I was 14 at the time).  I learned to talk to people in comas, proceeding on the premise that they could hear.

That bears repeating. When my beloved lapsed into a coma for the last few days of her life, I talked to her, maybe partly because of the hope that she could hear, but really I had nothing to lose; why assume otherwise? If it wasn't true, nothing was lost, but to assume she couldn't when she could would have been stupid. In fact at one point some hospital workers (don't recall exactly who, some kind of social workers or something, not med tech people) were sitting there talking about her in her room. I will forever be mad at myself for not ripping them a new one (but one of many things I am mad about not handling well). How idiotic and insensitive. NEVER assume someone can't hear you just because they can't respond or react in a situation like that. 

[Missy1]

@Valerie Rose I am so sorry for your loss. It is truly is the most profound, life changing event one can experience. It really puts life in perspective.  I am on 13 months and  have cried every day, I love him so much, almost 30 years together. I carry on our way of life and take care of what is left of our lives. Really one wonders, who are we now, how do we live without them, why did this happen to me... we are all feeling these overwhelming feelings and thoughts. No one has answers, only more questions each day. 

The day before my husband died I told him that my love for him was greater than anything I had ever even imagined, that I loved him more than anything in the universe. 
 Now I am just a lost soul, treading water along with so many.

[KayC]

On 3/6/2021 at 5:32 PM, Maria_PI said:

But it's so rare that we can have a feedback from someone who has been in a coma.

My grandmother had a major stroke that left her comatose for 13 years.  My grandpa went to see her every day, he held her hand, brushed her hair, talked to her, read her letters/cards from the kids & grandkids.  She never responded but he continued as if she was there, and could hear.  I believe that is how we should do!  He was a great example.  They were married 72 years.

My mom had Stage IV dementia and was in a coma at the end.  I also talked with her, touched her, her eye twitched/flickered when I did, I believe she could hear me.  Early the next morning she was gone.

On 3/6/2021 at 5:32 PM, Maria_PI said:

I think he heard every single thing that was going on around him till the very end.

I believe that too!  And I like to think they can hear us also, I try regardless!  Who's to say they can't?!

 

[Bennie Jets]

On 3/6/2021 at 1:02 AM, jmmosley53 said:

I sometimes think about how it would be if I had a DO OVER.  If every action and word were filled with perfect kindness.  It would still hurt when he died, I would still cry, my heart would still be broken.  

Someone once said to me 'you must get something out of it, you keep doing it'   That comment  made me wonder what I get out of my feelings of guilt.  I don't know the answer.

I am not sure there is something we get out of guilt - maybe we feel it because we are good people at heart and when something bad happens we wonder if it is our fault so we don't do something wrong again if we can see our faults - I think that is a good thing that good people do - maybe Bill Webster is right and it is a way to get out of helplessness and feel more control in a situation where we are very much out of control with horrible consequences - if we are guilty, it gives us the feeling that soemthing could have been done to prevent this and the guitl may be easier than admitting that we were completely vunerable and helpless here - this is Bill Websters video that I have watched many many times to let his message sink in and it had helped me a lot with guilt

Grief Matters: Guilt - YouTube

 

 

[Valerie Rose]

Yes, I agree. Guilt is a feeling which gives us the impression we can regain some control, when we can't really.  It's a terrible feeling which seems to be a part of bereavement.  I have it on and off. When I don't have it, I'm terribly sad. Thank you for the link to Bill Websters' video. It's very useful. 

At the moment, nearly 4 months after the death of my loved one, he seems to be everywhere in my mind and my heart. I see long forgotten memories, holidays I had nearly forgotten. I still wonder whether and to what extent I can live without him. 

[Kklk2242]

Valerie I can totally relate I lost my wife of 13 years 5 months ago suddenly. I will be 40 this year and she was only a couple years older. I am still trying to find my way back to some sort of life. You often hear ppl say their spouse is their best friend well there isn't a doubt Elisabeth was that and so much more to me. People have been kind but noone can relate or seems to have lost their husband/wife this young. I wonder if the sun will ever shine on me again. I think being the one who found her in our home and seeing the light gone haunts me most but also the fact I don't feel her presence like so many do who have loved and lost. I had one dream a couple months after losing her and we were watching a movie on the couch as we loved. I turned to Lis with tears in my eyes and asked if I was dreaming..she showed that beautiful smile i miss and said yes Kevin and I woke. I have never been so lost the pain is unreal and i miss so many little things I wonder inside at times if i did something and am being punished. In my heart i know its not true as I have been a good man and husband my whole life but would love to find some like minded people yo talk to my email is kketron242@gmail.com

 

Thanks Kevin 

[Kklk2242]

@Missy1

I am in the same place I believe the words you shared the day before your husband passed is a moment one day you will cherish. I hope so I never had the chance Lis died the day after my birthday and i wish i could have just a few minutes back. I am here to chat and also need help the conditions under which I lost my lissy have made this process so much harder. I have dropped 55 pounds in 5 months and was laid off from my job as SR Cyber Security Engineer so it just keeps snowballing i wonder if ill ever find my wits again. 

 

Kevin 

[Kklk2242]

@Sparky1

 

I also lost my wife in October bud the pain has been unbearable I hope it gets better and this site is a god send as I haven't really had anyone that could relate to talk too. KK

[Valerie Rose]

Yes Kevin, it is very, very hard. All those treasured moments, those dream we had, those plans.  It feels as though we now have to keep those close to our heart and who can we share them with ?  And sometimes, it hurts so much just seeing our beautiful partner everywhere outside or as we work on our computer, or as we are talking to other people. All of a sudden, it feels like these earthly preoccupations don't matter. Everyone says that things will get better one day. How can they, we ask ourselves. How can they. And do we want them to "get better". Different perhaps, but not better. 

I miss my husband terribly,our closeness, our relationship (unique of course), our jokes, our lovely moments.

And yes, we wonder what we may have done wrong to deserve this.  Why me and not those other people who still have their partners with them ? All sorts of thoughts cross the mind.. and we feel powerless. 

Yet we are not alone. So many of us suffer every day and just put one foot in front of the other.  Being able to share is very good. 

[Sparky1]

6 hours ago, Kklk2242 said:

I wonder inside at times if i did something and am being punished

Kevin, I'd like to give you my deepest condolences for the loss of your wife. Losing the love of my life is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. As for the quote above, I think this is the first I've read from someone that has this feeling. I keep thinking and asking, why, did I do something wrong to deserve this? Did she do something wrong to deserve it? Sure, we all have our own quirks, nobody's perfect, but we both tried to live a good and honest life. Like I've said in other posts, there are so many questions but I don't have any answers. All I know is that my wife as well as yours, could have had many more years. Now we are left alone, drifting in an endless sea of tears and heartache. Coming here will help you a bit, as it has helped me. It's good for us to relate our experiences and there are many here that will provide comfort, as we are all going through this.

[Kklk2242]

Thank you sparky it means a ton to me I feel like im starting life over lets keep in touch. Kevin 

Thanke Val these words are exactly what i needed to hear now I need to find a way through the fear and overwhelming pain a day at a time 

[Valerie Rose]

Yes Kevin, it's very much one day at a time. And we're in this together even if sometimes we also feel so terribly lonely. It's true to coming to this forum helps a lot. Share with us when  you need to.  We're all in pain here and somehow finding comfort in not being totally alone. 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Kklk2242 said:

@Sparky1

 

I also lost my wife in October bud the pain has been unbearable I hope it gets better and this site is a god send as I haven't really had anyone that could relate to talk too. KK

I am so sorry for your loss, that anyone else has to go through this brings me immense pain!  I am glad you found this place as no one should go through this totally alone and often friends/family don't get it, not having been through it themselves.  Welcome here, I hope you continue to come here and read/post.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Kklk2242]

@KayC

 

Thanks a ton this list is something tangible and i can use I appreciate all you guys. Ill always love my wife Elisabeth her middle name was Faith and i have to hold on to mine and believe we will see each other once again..just not yet

[Valerie Rose]

Yes,hold on to your belief and to Faith.  I am sure I will see my John again too. 

[KayC]

I love that that's her middle name...faith is what we all live by now. 

[Valerie Rose]

We do. I agree. We have faith that we will join our loved ones, and that they are with us now, guiding and helping us.  I do believe that strongly.